“Hmmm.”
“What’s that mean,hmm?”
“It means you have no problem arguing withme.”
Cain frowned at him in surprise. “Should I?”
“Nope. Though, you know, I am apparently the Big Daddy. But I’m wondering why you have a hard time saying no to your parents.”
Cain froze. “It’s different.”
“Well, yeah. Clearly. But you’re one of the bravest men I know. Christ, Cain, you threw yourself in front of abulletfor me. Why can’t you stand up for yourself when it comes to your parents?”
Cain said nothing, so Damon pushed on. “I’m not saying you want to come out, either privately or publicly. If you’re not ready for that, you’re not, and I would never push you to do something you’re not ready to do. But why not tell your dad to fuck himself when he tries to run your life? No more campaign rallies. No skiing with the Fassbergers.”
“Fassbenders,” Cain corrected. “And it’s just… not that easy.” He rubbed a hand over his head.
“So explain it to me, then,” Damon said, trying to mask his frustration. “I want to understand. I really want to know how you can be so strong sometimes, and then so…”
He bit his tongue before he finished the sentence, but not quickly enough. Cain laughed, but it was a bitter sound that didn’t mask his hurt. “Sowhat, Damon? So weak? Say it.”
“That’s not what I was going to say,” Damon lied. “I just don’t get it.”
Cain looked at the ceiling, his arms folded across his chest and his lips pursed. For a second, Damon was afraid Cain was going to cry, and he cast around for something to say, some way to distract him.
But when Cain began speaking a moment later, his voice wasn’t sad, but absolutely livid.
“Back when I was in high school, I was mostly out. I told you that.”
Damon smiled. “Emo gay boy. My Chemical Romance. Yeah, you told me.”
Cain nodded once. “Well, emo gay boy had a boyfriend. Another gay boy like me, but a jock. Big, built blond guy with a perfect GPA and a soccer scholarship. His name was — oris,I should say, since he’s still alive, even if I haven’t seen him in years — Jesse Porter.”
That Jesse person, Damon remembered Cain’s mother saying during that truly horrifying phone call. Someone she’d always known was a troublemaker.
Cain’s hand clutched at the handle above the passenger window, and he stared resolutely at the mountain road that rose and fell in front of them.
“I had a crush on him for the longest time. My second-ever real-life crush, after Cam Seaver.”
Damon’s eyebrows went up, and he saw a smile play at the corner of Cain’s lips. “Surprised you, huh? We dated a couple of times, too. But I wasn’t his type. For one thing, I wasn’t out, and Cam pretty much always was.”
Cain cleared his throat, and Damon said nothing, understanding that Cain needed to get this out, however long it took. “Jesse, though… he knew I was never going to want him to bring me home to his parents, and he sure as fuck knew I was never going to bring him home to mine. He had a reputation to uphold, you know. Super jock scholarship kid from a middle-income family. He needed a full ride to school, and he definitely did not want to be the token gay athlete. So, things started slowly. We flirted at a party, hooked up on a spring-break ski trip.” He darted a glance at Damon. “Proof that not all ski trips are bad.”
“Right.”
“And before I knew it, we were spending all our time together. He flunked an English test on Transcendentalism - I swear he did it on purpose - and the teacher asked me to tutor him. So the two of us had every excuse to spend our afternoons up in my bedroom with Emerson’s Essays open on our laps. Not that we read them,” he added.
Damon smirked. “Uh huh. I was that age once,” he reminded Cain. “I get it.”
“He was my first at almost everything. I was pretty sure I was in love with him. And then that summer… I kissed him outside.”
Damon blinked and tore his eyes from the road to glance at Cain. “Outside?”
“Yup. In a semi-public place.”
“Oh,” Damon said, as facts began to click into place.
“We were at a pool party at my parents’ house.” Cain’s voice was a miserable whisper. “I made him kiss me behind the pool house. Just kinda grabbed him, and—. My father saw us.”
