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A sudden gust of wind blew in, bringing rain with it, and I sat until I was soaked to the bone in my cheerleading uniform. It became apparent after a second hour of unanswered knocking that Jessie didn’t intend on opening the door for me, so I gave up and drove home.
It was one o’clock in the morning when I walked through the door wringing wet. My mother was waiting for me in the living room and said, “You look awful, but I guess you should since you’re supposedly sick.” I didn’t say anything and she continued, “Forbes called to check on you. I told him you were asleep.”
Again, I didn’t respond and she said, “Where have you been since you obviously weren’t with Forbes?”
I could lie and avoid the whole confrontation, but I was ready to get it all out in the open. “You made Jessie break up with me.”
“Claire, come sit with me for a minute so I can talk to you,” she ordered.
I did as she asked and fell into the chair across from where she was stretched out on the couch. She turned the television off and started, “You are my daughter and I love you. What I’m about to tell you goes against everything I stand for as a counselor, but you are more important than any oath I took. I know you love Jessie, but he isn’t who you think he is. He’s dangerous and no good for you. He’ll only hurt you.”
“I know what he has to do for his grandmother, but it’s not because he wants to. He told me everything and it doesn’t change how much I love him. I still want to be with him,” I pleaded to my mom.
She rose from where she laid and sat on the edge of the couch. “Jessie is a nice boy and he has endured some horrific circumstances. It’s an absolute miracle he is still alive, but I won’t allow you to become part of his world. It’s simply too dangerous.”
I felt the fury within me growing. “I just love how the two of you have made all of these decisions about what’s best for me,” I yelled.
“Jessie is smart and he knows your place isn’t with him,” she replied.
“If you know everything about him, then you know he doesn’t want to do it and he’s only living there until graduation,” I explained.
“We are not going to argue about you dating a boy that sells illegal drugs because it’s not happening. This topic is no longer up for discussion.”
I had to make her see. “He’s never had anyone to depend on in his life and look how he has turned out. He’s highly intelligent and so athletically talented. He is going to make something great of himself. He won’t always be like this.”
“Well, you’re not having anything to do with him while he is,” she insisted.
“I’ll be eighteen a few months and you can’t stop me after that,” I screamed in a tantrum as I stormed out of the living room to my bedroom.
I ran up the stairs to my bedroom and slammed the door. I prayed she didn’t come to my room to try to change my mind and she didn’t. It wouldn’t have done any good anyway because I wasn’t giving up until Jessie was back with me.
My mom didn’t allow me out of the house the rest of the weekend for fear I would go to Jessie’s. It was a smart move on her part because that is exactly where I would have headed even if he locked me out of his house and ignored me while I beat and screamed at his door.
Since I was homebound all weekend, I looked forward to school on Monday and I hoped Jessie didn’t skip. My muscles were tense with my jaw clenched tightly while I sat in my car waiting for Jessie because I knew what it was I had to do.
I saw him pull into the parking lot and I scurried out of my car and knocked on the passenger side window before he came to a complete stop. He hesitated and I knew he was weighing the pros and cons of letting me get in his truck, but he leaned over to unlock the door and I jumped inside before he could protest.
We sat in awkward silence for a minute, then I looked down at my hands in my lap. “I’m sorry about Friday night. I shouldn’t have come up in your house without you knowing. I guess that makes me no better than Forbes and I’m sorry I went all crazy on you like I did.”
I looked up and Jessie’s face was turned away from me, staring out the window of his truck. “I wish my circumstances were different, but there’s no way to change my reality right now. I love you with all of my heart, but I can’t have a relationship with you while I’m in the middle of this mess. You’ll end up hurt and I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.”
“I’m not afraid.”
He still wouldn’t look at me. “If I’m choosing between being with you or keeping you safe, I’ll choose keeping you safe every time.” He turned to look at me and said, “Friday night was a real eye opener for me. I hate to think what might have happened if he had gotten past me.”
“I think I did a pretty good job of defending you and myself. Do I need to remind you I’m the one that sprayed him with pepper spray?”
“Do I need to remind you that the only reason you had to spray him with pepper spray was because you were with me? In case you have forgotten, it was an addict that came into my house and killed my mom in front of me, then tried to kill me.” He reached out across the truck seat and grabbed my hand. He squeezed it when he said, “I would never forgive myself if…” but he was unable to finish his thought.
I was desperate to maintain any form of contact and I slid across the seat. I took his face in my palms and said, “Please don’t cut yourself off from me. If I can’t be with you the way I want, I’ll take whatever I can get.”
He wrinkled his forehead. “Are you saying you want to be friends if we can’t be together as a couple?”
I closed my eyes and put my forehead against his, not a friend move, but I didn’t care. I said I would take whatever he would give and I meant it. “I am if it’s all you’re willing to give me.”
I felt him shaking his head, causing mine to move with his. “I don’t know.”
I couldn’t stand the pain of going back to pretending he didn’t exist, but even worse would be him pretending I didn’t exist. “Do you really want to go back to the way we’ve been for the last month?”
He put his hands on top of mine over his face. “I don’t want to go to anything but being with you every minute of every day, but that isn’t what’s best for you.”
