Danielle and Adam are behind me, traipsing through the woods. It probably wasn’t the best idea to bring them out here right after we ate, but I needed to get out of the house. The impending doom of my birthday is weighing down on me.
I can hear their footsteps crunching on the fallen twigs as we stay on the path toward the pond. It’s not much of a sight, but it’s one of my safe places. I need the comfort of something familiar because my body is stuck in fight or flight mode, and I can’t get my breathing or my heart rate under control.
When I woke up and Adam’s face was the first thing I saw, I thought I was still dreaming. When I heard my parents whispering, I realized that I was not sleeping. I was wide awake and staring at a man who burns hot and then immediately flips to cold. The rush of emotions is part of the reason my body is still fighting to calm down. I’m worried one minute he’s going to go back to being an asshole, but that hasn’t been the case since we shared a bed.
The bed we both laid in, and I had to keep my hands tucked underneath my body so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself andreach out to him while I slept. The need to clutch something was still inside me, and I didn’t think he would appreciate me using him in the same way as I use my body pillow in college. It’s a small comfort I award myself, because it makes me feel as if I’m not alone, even if it’s fleeting.
“Boo,” a deep voice booms in my ear, and I jump, losing my footing. I’m going to fall. I’m going to fall and break something, and this is going to be horrible. My ankle gives out from under me, and I see the ground rushing toward my face too fast for me to brace myself for impact.
If I have to go to the emergency room and get pricked with needles, I’m going to be so upset. I hate needles of any kind.
“Oh fuck.” A hand bands around my waist. The scent of overpriced cologne fills my nose, and a comfort spreads through me at the touch. I’m not going to break anything. I’m not going to have to go get stuck with needles. Thank God.
Adam pulls me until I’m standing up tall, his face so close to mine. From my position, I can see his left eye is slightly darker than his right one. The cerulean blue is covered with a hint of a shadow. He doesn’t have much height on me, the tip of my nose coming to the bottom of his chin. But I feel secure and protected in his arms.
“You okay?” he asks, not stepping back, but I feel his arms tighten around me, the cords of his muscles digging into my lower spine.
“Yeah.” My voice is high, way too high-pitched to be considered normal. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I clear my throat, but don’t try to move away from him.
“Phew, I for sure thought you were done for. Adam, quit being a dick. It’s his birthday.” I cringe, pulling myself out of Adam’s grasp. The reminder of my birthday is a swift kick in the chest. And I shouldnotbe thinking about my friend’s boyfriendlike I am. So what if he’s the only guy that I’ve ever touched, period. I’m not so touch-deprived that I need it. It’s just… nice.
“I’m okay,” I reiterate, taking deep breaths and massaging the space over my heart with my hand, feeling the disastrous rhythm beneath my fingertips.
Danielle attempts to swat Adam with the back of her hand, but he dodges out of her way.
“Gotta be quicker than that, Dani,” he taunts, smirking at her.
She just rolls her eyes and starts following the path. We’re getting close to the pond, we have to veer off course a little bit, but it’ll be fine. I’ve walked through these woods enough times, we just have to make it back before it gets dark.
I take my spot, leading the way. We walk in silence, surrounded by nothing but the sounds of the bugs and whatever else can be heard out in the wild. Nothing like bears or anything, but I love watching the squirrels chase each other across the ground and up the trees.
When we make it to the pond, I’m hit with a wave of self-consciousness. Seriously, how weird is it that I brought them to my safe space, of all the places I could have taken them. There are so many more things to do downtown. The movie theater, bowling, coffee shops, a small bookstore, and department stores. The list could go on and on.
“This is—” Adam starts, and Danielle cuts him off, “So freaking cool.” Danielle breaks apart from us, making a beeline to the water’s edge and leaving Adam and me to trail behind.
“So, this is the pond?” he asks, and I tense, waiting for the mockery or judgment. I nod, not looking at him.
He grabs my arm, pulling me to a stop right under a tree. The cool shade is a welcome reprieve from the heat. In just a month, the leaves on the trees will change colors, signifying the beginning of fall.
“I like it. I like coming to places you like.” His face flames red, and mine matches. What the heck is going on? I risk a glance over my shoulder at Danielle. Her shoes are off and in her hand as she dips her toes in the water, completely oblivious to how hard my heart is pumping in my chest over herboyfriend.
“Thanks. I know it’s not much, but later we can go into town before dinner. There’s an ice cream shop.” This is not helping my embarrassment. Does Mr. Grumpy even eat ice cream? But with the way his attitude has turned around, I’m not sure if I know anything about him at all.
“That’s a good idea. Angie makes homemade ice cream at the café, it’s a ‘secret recipe.’” He air quotes with his fingers and then continues. “It’s some of the best ice cream I’ve ever eaten, but I’m willing to try something else to give her a run for her money.” His smile is boyish and charming.
“Yeah, she told me she does it, but I haven’t had a chance to go there recently. School has been busy.” Lies. But I would look pathetic if I said that I’ve been avoiding going there on the chance that he’s there. This unrequited, completely baseless crush I have on him is ridiculous. But it’s like a wave coming over me, and every time I think it’s fading, it comes back ten times harder. Having him here this weekend is already making it worse.
“Yeah, I get that.” His thumb absently strokes the underside of my arm, where his hand still rests. A fluttering feeling starts there and works its way through my body.
No.No.This is wrong. Danielle is my friend, the first one I’ve ever had, and I’m not going to mess that up just because her boyfriend is attractive. I pull my arm away, and Adam doesn’t seem to notice. Or if he does notice, he doesn’t say anything.
“Why don’t you like to celebrate your birthday?” Adam asks, his voice soft and gentle. Different than it should be when he’s talking about one of the worst days of my life. My birthday hasalways been a sore subject, and having other people here now and being subjected to it is making it worse.
“I just don’t,” I say nonchalantly, and he stares at me with his blue eyes, one darker than the other, as he waits for me to spill my guts. Newsflash: it isn’t going to happen. Not now and not ever. I refuse to be that kid who rambles on and on to their friends about their issues. Because the issues I have are minuscule compared to others’. So what if I don’t have any friends? That’s not even a need. It’s a want.
“I never got to celebrate my birthday growing up. My father didn’t want me to have a whole day spent beingspoiled.He said it wasn’t manly.” His response shocks me, and my jaw drops at this crumb of information. His dad sounds like an asshole, to the greatest extreme.
“He sounds horrible.”
