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Meanwhile, Jax was out taking a stroll and enjoying the holiday lights with his dream girl, not a care in the world. I guessed in all fairness, I’d told him to do exactly that. I’d pushed him away, asked him to leave me alone. Looked like he’d gone and done it.
I still seethed in jealousy. What I wouldn’t give to be in her shoes, walking along on his arm, so carefree and happy by his side. I wondered if I’d ever been as happy as she looked in that moment, like she was in an ad for sunshine or youth.
As I struggled with the fact that Jax had a girlfriend, a few days later I saw proof that my husband did as well. Mike had been staying away nearly every night. I liked it that way. When he was around, he got really mean.
“I own you,” he’d hissed at me one night last week. “You try to leave me, you see what happens. You know who would miss you? No one.”
To be honest, I felt numb. I barely reacted any more, and that seemed to really piss him off. Every little thing I did or didn’t do made him enraged.
When I saw my husband downtown, not too far from where I’d seen Jax, I knew right away it was him. That was because I didn’t try to see Mike. I didn’t look for him in crowds, or fantasize about running into him. When I saw him walking along the street I simply thought, “there’s that motherfucker.”
He was with a woman, too. She had black hair and high, high heels, the kind I never wore. Her breasts were way bigger than mine and she wore a shirt so low-cut I could see about four inches of cleavage. Holding my breath, as if Mike could see me, I pulled over and double-parked. There in the car, I peered at them, watching as his hand drifted down to her ass and gave it a squeeze.
As I watched them, I did not burn with jealousy the way I had when I’d seen Jax. Instead, I simmered with indignant rage. No wonder Mike had accused me of cheating. He was doing it himself. They headed up some stairs. She turned her key in the lock and led him inside. So domestic. I wondered if he could get it up with her. He hadn’t gotten it up with me in months.
Later that week, I turned 25. I promised myself, by my next birthday I’d be in a better place. I hated the person I’d become, fearful, angry and isolated, watching others live their lives through my car window. I’d never wanted my life to turn out like that. I’d never believed it could get so bad until there I was, in the middle of it.
Next year, I vowed, when I turned 26 I’d have turned things around. Because a life like the one I’d been living couldn’t go on much longer. Something had to give.
10
Jax
She wanted me to leave her alone. She’d told me a whole bunch of times, showed me with her actions, too. So I did as she’d asked, no texts, calls, and no more visits. Yet Sky haunted me like a ghost.
I thought of her when I visited Ace, of course. It made sense in that context, where I’d seen her, touched her, heard her laugh. When I passed the supply room where we’d folded sheets, of course it made me think about our stolen moments, the way she’d looked up shyly into my eyes. When I looked in the mirror over Ace’s vanity, it was Sky’s face I remembered looking back at me as she shaved my head. The feel of her fingers against my neck, gentle, tantalizing.
I thought of her when I bought her pies. Good thing I was a big man and I worked out a lot or I’d be getting fat off those things. I swore she put crack in them they were so addictive.
But I thought of her other times, too, when it didn’t make as much sense. Even when it would have been a hell of a lot better to not be thinking about her. Like when I started spending time with Nikki. She’d worked as a waitress at Ace Bar last year, then left to work at a gym as a personal trainer and spin instructor. She had a body that wouldn’t quit, a pretty smile, and an easy personality. We’d always gotten along fine, and when we’d run into each other at a local coffee shop one thing had led to another.
To be honest, mostly I started dating her to get my mind off Sky. We weren’t exclusive, but we started hooking up around the holidays, which meant that by the end of January we’d been spending time together for a couple months. It wasn’t exactly the stuff that filled romance novels, but it was something. And I could tell, Nikki was starting to feel something more. She was getting attached, wanting to go to the next level. There we were, both of us 28 with friends of ours getting engaged and married.
Last year, the first of my good friends, Chase, had tied the knot. I’d been shocked as hell. All he’d focused on that I knew of was swimming, training hours and hours each day, getting so good he made it to the Olympics. But apparently somewhere in the middle of all that he’d gone and decided to get married. I guessed from a certain perspective, it made sense. Once he fell hard for someone, he’d gone for broke. Chase was so intense that he never did anything half-assed.
But then over the holidays, the unthinkable had happened again. Easy-going Liam, voted most likely to be found at a beachside barbeque beer in hand, had popped the question. He and his fiancé were now planning a wedding the following summer. My friends weren’t exactly dropping like flies. Zeke, and I was sure Ian, were both still confirmed bachelors, but I could feel it around me, the subtle shifts in the sand. First one, then another. Before I knew it, bam, I’d wake up 30 and half my weekend plans would involve my friends’ kids’ birthday parties.
Ace wanted to meet Nikki. “When are you going to bring this girl by?” he asked me one Monday afternoon. It was raining in Southern California, a rare occurrence, and the two of us sat in chairs watching the courtyard get drenched.
“Dunno.” I ran my palm over my freshly-shaven head. I should probably introduce the two of them. Nikki had asked me about it, too, wanting to meet him over Christmas. But I hadn’t made it happen.
“You like this girl?” Even his unenthusiastic tone gave me the answer I had inside.
“She’s all right.” There was nothing wrong with Nikki. A lot of men would kill to be with a girl like her, all California blond good looks with her beach body and bright white smile. She was low-drama and easy to spend time with, no hulking violent husband lurking in the shadows.
But deep down, I wasn’t feeling it. I guessed on the surface it might look like I was being a typical guy, dragging my feet, not wanting to get into anything serious. But I knew a fear of commitment wasn’t at the heart of this. It hurt to remember it, but I’d felt pretty damn serious about Sky. That day I’d asked her to leave with me, if she’d done it I never would have looked back. No regrets, I would have become her man. I guessed once you’d felt that intense about someone, experienced that kind of electric connection, everything else paled in comparison.
“She’s nothing like Sky, huh?”
I turned to Ace, surprised, almost wondering if I’d spoken my thoughts aloud without realizing it. “Don’t worry, Jax.” Ace patted my arm. “Your secret’s safe with me. But sometimes I wonder if it should stay such a secret.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. You don’t have to play it cool with me. I know what she meant to you, how you fell for her.”
We sat there together, the rain falling fast and hard outside. He was right. I had fallen for Sky. I hadn’t seen her in months—four to be exact—and I still couldn’t stop thinking about her.
“Why don’t you go after her?” Ace looked at me direct and serious. “Tell her how you feel?”
“She’s married.” I looked out into the rain.
“That can change.” Ace had gone through two marriages himself. He knew a thing or two on the subject.
“The thing is, I did go after her,” I admitted. It felt good to tell someone. “Back in September, I went to go see her. I asked her to leave her husband.”
“And?”
“She said no. Told me to leave her alone.”
Ace let out a low whistle. “Not good.”
“Not good.”
“That surprises me,” he added. “She really liked you. I could tell.”
“Not enough.” I didn’t doubt that Sky had liked me. She’d a
s much as told me that. But real life seemed to throw in a lot of obstacles. Sometimes what you wanted simply wasn’t what you got.
“You know, son, it might be time for a change.” Ace nodded out into the rain, and I knew he was right. “I appreciate your moving back here to Cavallo. I know you did it for me. But I’m doing good. I’m happy. And I have you to thank for a lot of that.”
“Well, I don’t know about that.” Ace was too generous with his gratitude.
“I do. And I think the only thing keeping you here anymore is me. You should move,” he declared. “It’s time.”
“What about the bar?”
“Cash out. Open a new one. You only live once.”
I sat next to him in silence, thinking about his advice. It echoed the thoughts I’d been having lately, more and more, like a drumbeat growing louder by the day.
§
Over the next couple of weeks, Griller came into Ace Bar a few times with his girlfriend. It seemed like he’d given up all pretenses of having a wife. The two of them didn’t look like they were hiding a little something on the side. They looked like an all-out couple. They knew each other’s drink orders and called each other’s pool shots. Griller wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. I didn’t think he ever had.
