Zoey nodded. Yes, she understood what her aunt was saying, but that didn’t mean she could accept it. Not yet. Not now.
Chapter Ten
On Wednesday morning, Gabi said she felt too sick to go to school. “My stomach hurts. My head does, too.”
Even though she’d explained to her niece that the implantation was a common procedure, Zoey suspected Gabi’s malaise was the result of being told that Ivy needed a pacemaker. But a stomachache was a stomachache, so Zoey let her stay home.
Since Gabi said she’d keep an ear out in case Ivy woke up and needed something, Zoey set out on her daily run. Her interview was the next day and although she knew she should be delighted, she’d been far too busy and worried to really let it sink in. But a run might clear her head.
It was earlier than usual when she began the three-mile loop and she wondered if she’d pass Mr. Witherell on his morning jaunt around town. Then a morbid thought flashed through her mind:wouldn’t it be terrible if—now that she’s finally made up with him—Aunt Ivy dies before she gets to have him over for pie?
Zoey had barely made it halfway down the hill when her lungs felt so tight she came to a sudden stop, wrapped her arms around her chest and doubled over. No, no, no. She couldn’t allow herself to cry in public on Main Street for a second time this spring. Her feet leaden, she hobbled to the park and dropped onto a bench facing the water. How tidy it looked, with its flat, blue-green surface, a sharp line for the horizon, and the bright, white ferry cutting a straight path toward the island. As usual, the pristine scenery helped Zoey organize her thoughts.
Knowing what I know now, I can’t leave Aunt Ivy alone tomorrow. I’ll have to reschedule my interview. Or maybe I could pay Carla to come and stay with her?Then her thoughts drifted to Mark. She was going to have to tell him about their aunt’s upcoming surgery.I wonder if he’ll come to see her. He only visited his grandmother once when she was sick and her illness lasted formonths…
“Aunt Zoey? Are you okay?” her niece asked breathlessly.
Zoey hadn’t seen or heard her coming. “What are you doing here, Gabi?”
“I was looking out my window and I saw you stop running and hold your chest all of a sudden. I thought maybe something was wrong.”
Was she worriedIwas having a heart attack? She’s too young to worry so much.“I’m fine. Just lazy. You shouldn’t have rushed down here when you’re sick.” She tapped the bench. “Catch your breath.”
Gabi took a seat and immediately blurted out, “I don’t want Aunt Ivy to die.”
“Neither do I. But I think she’ll be fine once she gets the pacemaker implanted.”
They both were quiet as they watched a gull fly by with a spider crab dangling from its beak. Not the most appetizing breakfast.
“I shouldn’t have yelled those things about her telling the same stories over and over again,” Gabi acknowledged. “I know she heard me and it hurt her feelings. I told her I was sorry and she said it was okay, but I still wish I could take it back. I’m sorry I called you a spinster, too.”
“I forgive you and so does Aunt Ivy, so you don’t need to feel guilty. It’s behind us now.” As delicately as she could, she took the opportunity to level with her niece, saying, “You weren’t entirely wrong. Aunt Ivy does talk about the past a lot, maybe too much. I do, too. But sometimes people need to share their memories about times and people they love because it helps make them happy, or gives them strength or keeps them from feeling so lonely.”
“Yeah, but sometimes it makes them sadder. It makes themmiserable.” As teardrops streamed down Gabi’s cheeks and dripped from her chin, it struck Zoey that the girl wasn’t referring to Ivy. She must have meant herself.
“Is that why you don’t talk about your memories of your mom?”
Gabi pressed her palms against her eyelids, her sobbing punctuated with hiccups. She surprised Zoey by answering, “No. It’s because Dad talks about herallthe time. And then he gets depressed and he drinks. It’s been, like, six years. Why can’t he get over his dead wife?” It made Zoey wince to hear her refer to Jessica so callously but she understood the girl’s bitterness was directed toward her father, not her mother. She was quiet, allowing Gabi to get it all out. “Kathleen’s the one who’s living. Doesn’t he care about her? Doesn’t he care aboutme?”
Her question was so plaintive it sounded more like a howl than like speech.Gabi is my heart,Jessica had once said and Zoey had assumed she’d meant her daughter was her joy. That was part of it, of course, but she understood the girl was also her mother’s sorrow. Whenever Gabi’s heart had ached to the point of breaking in half, so had Jessica’s. And, as it turned out, so did Zoey’s now.
“Shh-shh-shh.” She stroked Gabi’s hair down her back. “He cares about you more than anything. About Kathleen, too. I know for a fact the two of you are the reason he agreed to get help. He doesn’t want his behavior—his grief—to keep hurting you. Trust me, sweetheart. If he didn’t love you and Kathleen as much as he does, he’d never even try to stop drinking.”
She put her arm around her niece and pulled her toward her. As Gabi cried a while longer, Zoey said, “I’m sorry if it’s been upsetting for you to hear me talk about your mom. But I do that for a couple of reasons. One is that Imiss her, yes. But not always in a sad way, if that makes sense. I loved your mom so much—she was my best friend, as well as my sister. And if I never talked about her, it would be as if she never existed.
“Another reason is that she trusted me to remind you what she was like. Not to feel lonely for her but because she wanted you to get to know her better, the way you would have if she were still alive. And sometimes, you remind me so much of her, it’s as if you give her back to me again. Which doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate how unique you are, because I do. But when I see a similarity between you and her, it’s almost as if I can’t help saying it out loud because I want to give her back to you, too.”
Now Zoey’s eyes were overflowing and when she sniffed, Gabi sat up straight and announced, “Idoremember some things about her, Aunt Zoey. Especially when I’m here. I just didn’t want to talk about them.”
“Will you share one thing you remember about her before we head back to the house?”
“You know how the thunder here is super loud because it reverberates over the ocean? Well, when I was little and we’d get a storm and I couldn’t sleep, my mom would sing to me. Even after it stopped thundering I’d still pretend to be afraid so she’d sing another song. I always wished I had a voice like hers but I didn’t, so that’s why I took flute lessons instead.”
Andthat’swhy you were devastated when I didn’t come to your concert this year.Zoey felt as if she might start crying all over again. “She’d be so proud of you.”
“We’re having a concert right over there by the pavilion.” Gabi pointed across the lawn. “It’s going to be the next-to-last week of school.”
“Do Aunt Ivy and I have to wait that long to hear you play? Couldn’t you practice at home?”
