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When I paused and took a shaky breath, I expected Joe to ask questions, maybe to accuse me, but he stayed silent.
“Angelo and I ran into him one night at the shop where he worked part-time. My cousins and I all had lockets with some of their mother’s ashes in them. Gerardo and I got into it. He grabbed my necklace, ripped it off my neck, and ran. Angelo and I chased him down and cornered him in a park. I demanded he give the necklace back. He refused. Angelo lunged for him, and Gerardo pulled a gun on him. I was scared as shit. I’d just lost the woman who’d become my mother. No way in hell was I going to lose Angelo too. I told Gerardo to put the gun away, but he turned it on me. His eyes were filled with hate, and his hand was shaking. I was sure he was going to shoot me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I could block out the memory. Joe laid a hand over mine.
“I pulled my knife and lunged for him. I meant to hurt him, not kill him, but I’d been trained to defend myself, and the knife slid right in under his ribs. I still remember the way he looked at me. He was so shocked. I knew then he’d been posturing. He wasn’t going to shoot intentionally, but he could have killed me by accident. It was technically self-defense.”
I’d tried to hold them back, but my tears spilled over, running down my face as I finished the story. “Angelo called 911, but Gerardo died long before they got there. Angelo made me pull the knife out and run with him as we heard the ambulance. We found Lucien when we got home and told him everything. Their father made it all disappear. He wasn’t going to risk me being arrested, even if I could plead self-defense.”
23
Joe
My chest ached for Devil. I’d known something wasn’t as it seemed when I’d uncovered that he’d been a suspect in a murder as a teen, but I’d worried I was letting myself believe what I wanted to. I knew Devil had killed before, and I doubted all his victims were as horrible as Elena’s husband, but I also couldn’t see him murdering a young boy for no reason.
I used my thumbs to wipe the tears from Devil’s cheeks. I had no idea what to say.
He opened his eyes and looked into mine. “It’s the only kill I’ve ever made unintentionally, and the only one I regret.”
“I’m so sorry.”
Devil turned away. “It’s all right. I’ll leave.”
I grabbed his chin, forcing him to turn back toward me. “No. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m sorry you lost the woman who was truly your mother. I’m sorry that boy thought it was acceptable to take something so important from you and that the choice you made in that moment has haunted you all this time. I’m also sorry I brought it up and held it against you.”
“You are?” I hated knowing my sympathy surprised him as much as it obviously did.
“Maybe in the moment when I was angry with you for what you did about Murphy and angry with myself for bargaining with you, maybe if I’d known then, I wouldn’t have cared about hurting you, but you’ve changed me.
“I’ve made you worse?”
His smirk was back, and that made me smile. “Some people would say that, but you’ve made me see a lot of things I didn’t want to see. You’ve made me face the fact that no matter how much I want the system to work, no matter how much I want to change it, there are problems the law will never be able to touch.”
“Is there any way you can forgive me?”
“Forgive you for fucking with my head, for making me want you, for making me break all the rules I try to follow?”
Devil shook his head. “For what I did to Gerardo.”
I nodded. “You were a scared kid. You were protecting yourself and your cousin. I forgive you.”
Devil exhaled and sank into the mattress. He brought his hands up and pressed his palms against his eyes. “Thank you.” His voice shook. “Nobody’s ever actually said that.”
“You can’t mean your cousins think—”
“No. They’re glad I protected myself, but I never asked if they forgave me completely. I was scared of the answer back then, and I’ve tried not to think about it since.”
“Obviously I don’t know them at all, except from the research I’ve done and the things you’ve told me, but one thing is very clear to me: your family loves you. I’m sure they forgive you.”
Devil nodded, then his stomach growled loudly. He looked at me, and we both laughed.
“I’m sure you’ll feel better if you eat,” I said.
