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I didn’t know where it came from. I just decided to mix shit up and try a different tactic. And whaddayaknow? It worked. Snowflake stopped and did as I asked. We were standing opposite to each other, panting hard.
Do this, motherfucker, or regret not doing it for the rest of your life.
I raised my hands to rub her arms before remembering that I’d lost that right about a day ago. I balled my fists beside my body instead.
“Look, I didn’t know it’d be this way. I didn’t know being this way was even a fucking possibility. This feeling shit? I’m new to it, Jesse. But I swear, at no point, before or after I knew you, did I ever mean you any harm. I love you, Jesse. I fell in love with your soul before I even knew who you were. With that Pushkin tattoo, and that defiant stare, and the way you carried yourself like a disobedient goddess who didn’t belong here with all the snotty mortals of the beach. Even as I stand here now, I continue falling, because you’re a part of the only fucking person who resembled a father figure to me, and also a part of the reason I quit doing the toxic shit that reminded me who I was made of. You’re all my good parts wrapped together in a satin bow, Snowflake, and I can’t lose you. Because if I lose you, I stay with all the bad parts. I stay alone.”
“You love me?”
“Whollytrulymadly,” I mumbled, feeling like a dickless high school poem.
She smiled serenely. Like that part I was talking about wasn’t there anymore. Then she turned her back to me and gestured with her arm like this place was her kingdom.
“This is where it happened.”
I blinked a few times before I realized. Shit.
She turned back to me, stubbing her finger to my chest. “It doesn’t matter if you love me or not. For the sake of argument—I believe you. You explained everything in the text messages. I know you’re indebted to Darren now. Know that you got into a lot of trouble trying to save this—” She motioned between us. “Us. And there’s one tiny part of me that is actually impressed with how you handled all this. I mean, at least you didn’t take without asking or carve me like a Halloween pumpkin, right?” She snorted bitterly. “In my book, it counts for something. But it doesn’t matter, you see? Because I’m done. I need space. I need to find me. And I need to do this alone. My life is such a mess that even if I wanted to forgive you, I couldn’t, Bane. Not the way you need to be forgiven for us to be together. Consider this my official resignation from my job, and from you.”
She headed to the other side of the alleyway, and I spotted her Rover parked there. I wanted to chase her some more, but knew that I’d be just like the other motherfuckers if I did.
Jesse stopped by her vehicle, unlocked her door, and slid in. She sent me one last gaze. There was more pity there than resentment. I was standing there like a tool, holding her unclaimed check, looking fifty shades of pathetic.
“Dad was right about one thing, Roman. The princess saves herself in this fairytale.”
LET’S TALK ABOUT IT AT Mayra’s office.
Mayra was helping Darren.
That much, I was sure of. To what extent, I didn’t know, but it didn’t matter, because she was my fucking therapist, and therefore was breaking a gazillion codes.
I drove around in circles for a while. My thoughts were divided and split in the middle. Fifty percent of me wanted to make a U-turn and get back into Bane’s arms, opening up to him, begging him to help me, using his connections to make sure Darren and the boys would never get anywhere near an innocent soul again, and fifty percent debated whether I should march into Mayra’s office and confront her or not.
The decision came to me when I finally parked my car, realizing that I’d parked it in the same spot as on the first day I’d met Bane. I stepped out and rehashed every single meeting I’d had with Mayra. Little snippets of our conversations chipped at my memory.
You could have lost your virginity in plenty of ways.
Best not to think about it.
You really should be moving on.
Darren is a lovely person, Jesse. You should let him take care of you and your mother.
Hypnosis? Oh, absolutely not, Jesse! You do not want to lose control. I’m afraid it will lead to a downward spiral.
I got back to my car, my foot bouncing as I looked left and right. I saw Bane’s Harley parked a few rows down from my vehicle and knew that he was watching me. Somehow, I couldn’t find it in me to be pissed. He was looking after me, but he knew better than to approach me.
