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Just thinking about it had me gasping for breath, and I doubled over, resting my head on the dash as I willed the images to leave my mind.
“Panther? What’s wrong?” Solo placed his hand on my shoulder, but I couldn’t answer. I was still trying to suck some air into my lungs.
I felt the car swerve suddenly, or maybe it was just my head, and then everything stopped abruptly and Solo’s hand moved to the back of my neck.
“Hey, we’re here. We’ve stopped.”
Slowly, I began to breathe, in through my nose, out through my mouth, all the panic dissipating as I focused on Solo’s touch. When I thought I had things under control again, he helped me sit back, and as he ran his hand over my forehead, I realized I was sweating.
“I’m okay,” I said, though my shaky voice didn’t sound very convincing, so I cleared my throat and tried again. “Really. I’m okay now.”
“Uh huh.” Solo popped a straw into one of the drinks and held it up to my lips, and as the cold soda spilled down my throat, I felt relief. “Yeah, you finish this, and then we’re gonna talk about what the hell just happened.”
10 Solo
THE COLOR RETURNED to Panther’s face the more he drank, so with a sigh of relief, I sat back and gave him some space.
Had I said something to trigger a panic attack? It seemed to happen out of nowhere. Maybe it was a mistake to push him into going out, even if it was only a drive.
Panther set the drink between his legs and leaned back against the headrest, his eyes closing as his breathing seemed to normal out.
“If this is too much, I can take you back—”
“No, no, this is good.” He opened his eyes. “I’m good now. Promise.”
“Okay. Want to talk about it?”
“Not really, but I know you’re not gonna shut up until I do.”
I chuckled as I shoved my keys in my pocket and then twisted in my seat to face him. “Glad to see you’re finally getting it.”
“I got it the first day I met you. You’re relentless.”
“It worked, though, didn’t it?”
“I guess so.” He looked away from me to where we were parked at the top of Black Rock Cliffs, the perfect spot to watch the waves crashing into the large rock formations below. But Panther’s eyes weren’t on the beach—they were on the sky. “I dreamed about it last night. The accident. Since I woke up, I haven’t really let it in, you know? I know what happened, I remember most of it, but I didn’t let myself feel it. Does that make sense?”
“It does.”
“Only I didn’t fare so well in the dream. I felt like I was going to die.” He rubbed his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut, like he was trying to also shut out the memories. “I was scared. I felt fear for the first time, and…that can’t happen. I can’t second-guess myself up there. I can’t have a fucking panic attack at fifty thousand feet, Solo. If I hesitate, I may as well turn my wings in now.”
“It won’t go that far—”
“How do you know? I just freaked out of nowhere. What if I get in the plane and it all comes rushing back? What if I freeze?”
“That’s a lot of what-ifs there.”
Panther snorted. “You know me. Always prepared.”
“Hey.” I grabbed his hand and pulled it onto my thigh. “Don’t overthink this. Yes, you went through something shitty, but it could happen to any of us. You came out of this pretty fucking unscathed, at least physically, so we just need your mind to catch up.”
“But what if—”
“Ah uh. No more what ifs. You’re one of the best fighter pilots in the world. The world, Panther. You’re too good and you’ve worked too hard to pussy out now.”
Panther reared back, his eyes wide. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Hesitation’s for pussies. Fear? Same thing. And trust me, I’ve been in the sky with you and in bed with you, and you’re not a fucking pussy.”
Panther chuckled and tried to take his hand back, but I held firm. All the doubt going through his head needed to get the hell out, and if he needed some tough love from me, he’d get it.
“You’ll get over it,” I said. “It may not seem like it now, but you will.”
“How?”
“You just…keep going. You don’t give up, you push harder. You fight through it. You won’t forget, but maybe having lived through it will make you a better pilot.”
Panther’s eyes fell on mine. “I think I’m starting to understand you a little.”
“A little is way ahead of the curve.”
“Because you keep everyone at arm’s length.”
I interlaced our fingers, and when Panther lowered his eyes to where our hands were joined, I said, “Not everyone.”
We sat there for a couple of minutes, the only sound the waves crashing against the rocks below. It was a comfortable silence, something I didn’t have with many, and when I saw Panther looking at me, the expression in his eyes made my heart thud a little harder.
