And holding him after? The way that he so easily accepted the quiet embrace? My heart had been full enough to burst.
But, now it sat heavy in my chest. I’d untangled myself from Derek’s arms when it was obvious the show had ended, hoping that whatever we’d just shared would still be lingering in those eyes. Instead, there was an expression I couldn’t read on his face while tension bunched the skin at the edges of his chocolate hues. Did he regret this? He was straight so it was only expected he’d be confused after, but was that all it was?
My gut clenched at the reminder of the last time I’d messed around with a straight guy. The things that we had done hadn’t meant much to him and learning thatIhadn’t meant much either had been devastating. But, I’d somehow let Chris get it into my head that this time would be different—that Derek was different. My stomach lurched at the awkwardness swirling in the air coupled with the anxious thoughts ripping through me.
“Ready to go?” My voice sounded hoarse as I struggled to get the words out. I was suddenly desperate to be anywhere but in this room.
Derek nodded, that unsettling expression on his face firmly in place which only frayed my nerves more. We made our way out of the room and down the stairs before I made a quick detour to toss the evidence of our encounter in a trashcan in the kitchen. Our goodbyes to everyone wereperfunctory and stiff, but luckily we both were able to slip away quickly.
The drive back to the house was the longest ten minutes of my life. The loaded tension in the air made sitting so close to Derek almost unbearable as I struggled to fight back the memories from high school.
How had I not learned my lesson after the first straight guy I’d developed feelings for? I’d had the luxury of being able to avoid the fuck out of that guy when things had gone south, but I couldn’t do that with Derek. I was living with the man. Plus, when I’d tried to pull away before, he’d quickly caught on to that. Though, I guess there was the possibility thathe’dbe the one to back off from our friendship this time.
My chest squeezed painfully at the idea of the summer coming to a close with the two of us essentially being strangers again. But… maybe that’d be for the best.
“I’m going to bed.” I said in a low murmur after we’d parked and made our way into the house in silence.
“Colton.”
Derek’s voice had a calm edge to it that made me pause in my retreat to my room. He was standing in the middle ground between our living room, his hallway, and mine. Something about his stare made my breath catch and the raging thoughts in my head quiet momentarily.
He motioned toward the couch, and on instinct I followed after him before taking the side opposite from where he sat. There was a beat of silence that hung heavy between us and before it could get worse I blurted, “Can we just talk about all this?”
Derek stared at me, his expression cool and collected as he rested his head against the hand propped on the back of the couch. “Gladly.” He said, studying my face. “Do you want to go first or should I?”
I swallowed thickly. My head was a mess, but I wasn’t ready to hear how Derek regretted being with me. Mytongue felt dry as I tried formulating the words. Every attempt at getting them out was met with a painful constriction of my throat. Finally, Derek shifted and let out a rough sigh.
“I don’t regret anything we did tonight.”
My eyes snapped up, a chunk of the weight lodged in my chest chipping away at his admission. “You don’t?”
He shook his head and I sucked in a lungful of air. My upper body slumped back against the arm of the couch as more of the flurries in my head quieted.
“I don’t either.” I finally responded and the way Derek’s shoulders dropped had a hopeful energy coursing through me. Now that he had relaxed, it made me realize he had been just as tense as I was.
“But aren’t you like… freaking out?” I asked cautiously while studying his face.
He tilted his head, a few strands of hair falling over his forehead from the motion. “Not really,” Derek sat up, adjusting himself so his body was just a bit closer to me.
“I had an idea I was into guys before tonight,” He admitted and my jaw dropped.
“Wait, what?” I croaked, feeling like my world had shifted on its axis. “But, you’re straight.”
Derek nodded, a sheepish expression coming over his face. “Let’s just say I had a very enlightening experience that made me realize I wasn’t as straight as I thought I was.”
My coming out hadn’t been some big ordeal or grand experience, but there was something about Derek’s casual admittance that had my brain short circuiting.
“And that’s it?” I pressed, still feeling like this might be too good to be true.
Derek’s eyebrows scrunched together, his confusion clear. “What do you mean?”
“You’re just totally fine with realizing you like guys, too? No freak out or identity crisis?”
“I mean,it seems like you’re freaking outforme,” he said, a lazy grin tugging at his lips. “Thanks for that, by the way.”
Any remaining tension between us snapped at his words causing a laugh to tumble from me. “Yeah, I guess I am.” I admitted, running both my hands through my hair.
Derek’s smile was warm and affectionate, sending little sparks to skitter across my skin. Fuck, I felt like I would never get use to how gorgeous this man was. He offered me a hand and I took it, letting the soft squeeze he gave anchor me to this moment.
