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‘You’ll have to choose a name,’ my mother said.
‘Kit Kat,’ I whispered.
I’d already imagined what I would call my cat if I ever had one.
Rachel giggled. ‘Like the chocolate bar?’
‘I think it’s perfect,’ said Mum. ‘Play with her for a bit tonight if you want, but then pop her back in the cat carrier in the corner. The vet said it might help settle her in the first few nights. I’ll leave you girls to have fun now, but I know you’ll be drinking alcohol—’
‘Mum!’
I felt my cheeks turn bright red.
‘… so I’ve left some snacks in the fridge. There are crisps in the cupboard too, so help yourselves and line your stomachs. Have fun and take care of one another, and Kit Kat. OK?’
‘We will, don’t worry,’ said Rachel. ‘You’re so cool, Mrs Andrews. I wish my mum was like you.’
She smiled at my mother, in that clever way that seemed to make all adults adore her. My mother smiled back, before kissing me goodbye.
‘Let’s get this party started!’ Rachel said as soon as she was gone.
She had stayed at my house so often by then that she knew where to find everything she wanted. She immediately raided my mother’s old vinyl collection – Rachel was obsessed with seventies music – carefully slipping a Carpenters record out of its sleeve and putting it on. ‘Rainy Days and Mondays’ was her favourite song. She sang along as she returned to the kitchen, then took two glasses down from the cupboard. I held on to the kitten and we both watched Rachel with fascination as she found the salt, took a lemon from the fruit bowl, and slid a sharp knife out of the block on the counter.
I had never seen or heard of a tequila slammer before, but I liked them. By the time the others arrived, I was already feeling pretty drunk.
‘Did you bring the party treats?’ Rachel asked Helen as soon as she walked in the door.
‘What are they?’ I wanted to know.
Rachel smiled. ‘A nice surprise.’
Zoe was next to arrive. She looked miserable when I opened the door, and rolled her eyes in the direction of the older boy standing next to her on my doorstep.
‘What’s that?’ she asked, staring at the kitten in my hands.
‘She’s called Kit Kat, a birthday present from my mum.’
‘I hate cats,’ Zoe said, pulling a face.
‘I’m Jack, by the way,’ said the boy. He seemed amused by something. ‘My mother wanted me to drop off Zoe and check everything was OK, after what happened last time.’
I didn’t know what that meant. It was still only a few months since I’d joined the school and met them all.
Jack was just a few years older than us, but at that age a couple of years can make someone seem infinitely grown-up. He popped his head inside the door, holding his car keys in his hand. I had no idea what he was looking for, and I don’t know whether it was his floppy hair or the cheeky grin, but I liked him instantly. I wasn’t the only one.
‘Hi, Jack! Why don’t you come in for a drink?’ said Rachel, appearing beside me.
‘No thanks, I’m driving.’
‘Just one?’ she insisted.
I remember hating the way they looked at each other.
‘Maybe just a Coke or something,’ he said, giving in to her charm.
It was strange seeing all these people crammed into our tiny kitchen. My mother rarely let anyone in after my father left, and the house felt too full with them all there. Everyone looked a little surprised when the doorbell rang again, even me. I’d already had enough to drink to forget about the other person I had decided to invite.
They all came with me to the door, and they all look appalled when they saw Catherine Kelly standing behind it.
‘Happy birthday, Anna,’ she said, without smiling.
Everyone just stared.
Then Rachel stepped forward and put her glass in Catherine’s hand.
‘How lovely to see you, Catherine. Have a drink. I promise there is nothing nasty in this one, and you need to catch up,’ she said, pulling the girl inside.
I was so happy that she was being kind. Catherine Kelly was somewhat strange, but I’d wanted to invite her to my party anyway. Something terrible had happened to Catherine the week before. Baby rats were found inside her school desk. Everyone blamed it on all the crisps and chocolate she kept in there, but I still couldn’t understand how they got inside. I felt sorry for her, I knew what it was like to be the odd one out at my old school, and didn’t want anyone else to feel that way. I thought I could help make her happy.
‘Well, as fun as this looks, I’m off,’ said Jack. ‘Mum says home by midnight or else, Zoe. Unless you want to get grounded again.’
Zoe rolled her eyes. She did it so often I worried they might get stuck that way.
‘Wait!’ Rachel rushed over to her bag and took out a new disposable Kodak camera. It was still in its box, and she tore at the cardboard packaging to open it. ‘Can you take a picture of us all together before you go?’
‘Sure,’ Jack said, holding out his hand.
I saw that their fingers touched as she gave him the camera, and felt a stab of irrational jealousy.
‘And I almost forgot…’ Rachel said.
She reached inside her pocket, before arranging us all in a line against the floral wallpaper in my mother’s lounge.
‘… lovely Anna made us all friendship bracelets, and I think we should wear them.’
So we put them on, because people always did what Rachel said to do.
We posed against that wall with our arms wrapped around each other, wearing our red-and-white cotton bracelets, and looking like the best of friends. Even Catherine Kelly, who Rachel positioned right in the middle, was smiling in the photo, her ugly braces, crazy curly white hair, and horrible clothes on display for the whole world to see.
It was the same photo I found yesterday with Rachel’s face crossed out.
Him
Wednesday 23:00
I cross the road and realise I’ve taken a wrong turn. I’m drunk. Too drunk to drive home from Priya’s house, so I’ve decided to walk. I know I shouldn’t have kissed her, but that’s all it was, a drunken kiss. No need to turn it into a drama, or blow it out of proportion. I was thinking about Anna when I did it, perhaps because of the taste of whisky inside her mouth and mine. I don’t regret it. I will in the morning, but for now I’m going to enjoy the way tonight made me feel: to know that a beautiful, intelligent young woman finds me attractive.
I choose not to linger on the question of why.
Spending time with someone younger than myself made me feel less old tonight. Listening to Priya talk about her future made me realise my own might not be set in stone. Youth fools us into thinking there are infinite paths to choose from in life; maturity tricks us into thinking there is only one. Priya opened up about her past, and her honesty was contagious. She told me her mother died of cancer last year and she’s still grieving. The woman raised her alone, in a community that frowned upon that sort of thing, and Priya was quite open about how much she missed having a father figure growing up.
I expect that’s what made me think about my daughter. The truth is, I think about her all the time. If I don’t talk about Charlotte it’s only because I feel like I can’t. It was my idea – to take Anna out for a birthday meal, just the two of us – so maybe that’s why I still think what happened was my fault.
