“I will. He’ll look forward to chatting with you another time.”
Ever since their argument this afternoon, things had been tenuous at best. Granted, he’d still come and helped her with the garden, but the sweet camaraderie they shared earlier in the day was gone. And it was her fault. Why was she her own worst enemy?
Life had been simpler when they were younger. They told each other everything. Never held anything back. Now it was like there was a thousand-foot wall up between them. Oh, it had a nice little window that she’d fashioned in all her caution. Every now and then it opened to show her how close they still were, how they cared for one another. But then she’d find herself slamming the shutter closed on that glimpse into what could have been—what mightstillhave a chance of coming to life.
He leaned the shovel up against the side of the house. “Do you need me to help you put all this away?”
“No thanks. I’ll need it on Monday to plant, so I’ll roll the wheelbarrow into the shed real quick. You go on home. Give your family my love. Tell your mom I’m praying for her.”
“Will do.” He trudged over to his horse. “See you at church tomorrow?”
“I’m staying home so Louise can go. The poor girl has sacrificed enough for us already, I can give her that.” Time for her to sacrifice her fear as well. She bit her lip. “But ... if you have time, could you come by tomorrow afternoon and visit with Dad?” Somehow she needed to mend all that was broken between them. Even if he was judgmental and in the wrong. Again.
She flinched. There ...shedid it again. Went straight back to blaming him.
He studied her for a moment and then rubbed his jaw. “Are you sure you want me around?”
So he’d seen her face. Of course. The man had once known her better than her own father. Grief, she was exasperating, even to herself. “I’m sorry. My thoughts ... that is...” She groaned and waved her hands back and forth. “Let me start again. Yes. I do want you around. I would love for you to come visitustomorrow.” And she meant it. She would get on her knees tonight and beg God to help her get over whatever ridiculousness she’d allowed in her heart and mind. This constant battle was making her dizzy and sick of her own thoughts.
“I would enjoy that.”
“Good. Me too.”
He slapped his hat on his head, gave her a quick dip of his chin, and then rode away.
Anna watched his back. If she was honest, she loved him just as much today as she had before he left. Perhaps even more. Leaning up against the house, she relaxed and let her shoulders drop.
God, You’re gonna have to guide me through this because I obviously can’tdo this on my own. Somehow I’ve got toclimb out of this manure pile of my own making and truly forgive Joshua. I want to forgive him. Butthen I get riled up so easily that I ruin every tenuous step we make toward healing.
She closed her eyes and leaned her head back. What kind of a child of the King was she? In the past three years, she’d pushed the Lord to arms’ length as well. Losing Josh had made her stuff her bruised heart inside a box. Then she carried it around like it was fragile and not to be used or touched or opened up for anyone ... ever.
The parable of the ten talents rushed to her mind. She was just like the servant given the one talent.
She’d buried her heart—and herself—in the dirt. Unwilling to allow it to grow. Unwilling to let it be touched. Hiding away.
Forgive me, Father.Tears filled her eyes and slid down her cheeks.
Her heart gushed out in great sobs until she finally opened her eyes again and stared up at the clear sky above. When she’d had no other words, her Savior understood her tears. The reconciliation seemed even more beautiful.
He knew her.
He understood her.
He’d been waiting with open arms, and she’d run into them.
On shaky legs, she stepped away from the house and wiped at her cheeks. Maybe after she took care of her things and cleaned up, she could share her heart with Dad. He’d been waiting for her to open up. The man was a saint with the patience of a thousand men.
Once she took care of the tools, she went inside and drew a cool bath. When she climbed into the tub, the chill of the water washing over her woke up every one of her senses. Which was a good thing. She wanted to spend some quality time with her father this evening. And talk about the dig.
Maybe even about Joshua.
She’d never discussed her courtship with him with her father before. There’d been no need. Dad was with them most of the time and saw everything that transpired. Everything except their horrible blowup.
She hadn’t shared much with Dad about that other than the fact that they disagreed.
He’d given her space and allowed her to cry. And he’d kept her busy by taking her to dig after dig. Probably figuring that was the best thing for her.
Over time, she’d healed. Or at least pushed her feelings aside.
