Still, it’d be callous of him to say no. But her answer—or lack of one—hurt. “Sure.” His voice cracked and he swallowed against the sudden desert that had taken up residence. “I’ll be praying too. I love you.” He couldn’t bear any more. Leaning forward, he kissed her on the forehead and went home.
Shattered.
eighteen
“This dark selfish world needs all the unselfishness it can get, all the love it can command.”
~Earl Douglass
TUESDAY, JULY2
Anna rubbed at her gritty eyes. Not a wink of sleep last night. And she deserved it.
Her annoyance with herself for not answering Joshua right away kept her up last night and would probably make her a downright grump this morning.
What kind of a woman does that to a man she loves?Hadloved with her whole heart for years? It was ridiculous. And she’d paid for it.
What was wrong with her? Yes, she wanted to marry him. Yes, she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Yes, she loved him.
But at the last second, she’d gotten nervous. Remembered what it felt like to not hear from him for three years. To constantly chastise herself for her temper and her words.
After hours of tossing and turning—and scolding herself—she’d gotten up and read the rest of his letters. All of them.
Now she got up out of her bed and went back to her desk. One letter lay open on the top. The one that had gripped her more than any of the others. Anna picked it up and read again:
My dearest Anna,
You will always be my dearest because you are the only woman that I will ever love with this depth. I love my mother and my sister, but it’s a mere fraction of what I feel for you, which is hard to even fathom because they are my family. My blood.
I don’t know if we will ever see each other again. I hope and pray that we do. I hope and pray that one day you will forgive me. I hope and pray that I am given the opportunity to hand-deliver these letters to you so that you can know my heart has always been yours.
Medicine is such a hard course of study. There are so many procedures we must know how to perform. So many medicines that we must memorize and understand how much to dose. It seems like every day there’s a new condition or ailment, and we have to learn all about the symptoms, treatments, and prognoses.
I’ve always wanted to help people. To heal them. But I feel inadequate.
In truth, the one thing that keeps me going is you. I can hear your voice in my head. The day I received word that Mr. Bricker was funding my schooling, you said, “Joshua Ziegler, you are going to be the very best doctor who has ever walked this world. You are gifted by God. You are compassionate and caring. And you have great discernment. Don’t you daredoubt yourself. Ever. Or I will have to hop on a train to Chicago and give you a stern talking-to.”
I can still see you there. With your hair blowing in the wind, your hands on your hips, and fire in your beautiful eyes. You have always challenged me to be better. Encouraged me in my faith. Urged me to continue and not quit.
What will I do without you if our parting words were the end?
Another round of exams starts tomorrow, so I must get to bed.
I am ever thinking of you, dreaming of you, and loving you.
Forever yours,
Joshua
Her heart overflowed with everything she felt for this man. Years and years of memories raced through her mind. Closing her eyes, she clutched the papers to her chest and smiled. With a sigh, she opened her eyes again, folded the letter, and placed it back in its envelope.
She would see him at the dig site today and ask him to walk with her this evening.
Then she would give him her answer.
The day had been even longer than Joshua imagined it could be. And notjustbecause Anna hadn’t answered his proposal.
It didn’t help that every inch of his body hurt from the fall. The intense labor at the dig site brought out every ache and pain. He knew it would happen but had hoped an affirmative answer from Anna would make it all go away.
