Beth glanced at her phone to see it was half eight. The noise of Pearl’s children in the background met her ears as she returned to the call. ‘Sorry, lost track of time.’
Pearl’s voice softened. ‘How’s it going in the new place? You unboxed everything yet?’
‘Still waiting for you, aren’t I?’
‘Sorry, yes, I know I said I’d be over, but what with the kids, work, and Raj, I don’t know where the time’s gone.’
Beth let her off the hook. ‘It’s done, stop flapping.’ She glanced at one stack by the telly. Telling a small fib would ease her busy cousin, so what did it matter?
‘I got you to move this way so we’d be closer now the baby’s here, and there’s me never around.’
‘I’m okay, Pearl. I was just calling for a chat, that’s all. Archie’s fast asleep, but I can hear yours are still up.’
‘Raj is on bath duty tonight, that’s why the pair of them are running around like it’s Christmas Eve night.’
‘Don’t blame me,’ called out Pearl’s husband.
Beth listened to their conversation involving quiet time, too many bubbles in the tub, and the kids giggling. She smiled at their happiness, always loving being in Pearl’s home. The whole atmosphere of the place was as soothing as hot chocolate on a snowy night.
Beth’s living room suddenly looked bleak. Was that how her life would be from now on? Lifeless. No laughter. No bubble baths. No one to kiss her cheek, as she heard down the phone before her cousin came back to her.
‘Sorry about that, Beth. So, how’s the little man?’
Archie looked his adorable self, peaceful with his dreams. She’d ignored his cries at five a.m. the other day, as sleep was needed, not his racket ringing in her ears.How much longer could she hold out before he was silent?Not long, it turned out. She’d seen to his needs, then spent the rest of the day feeling guilty she’d left him to cry for a solid ten minutes. What kind of mother did that? His nappy was dirty. He wasn’t asking for much. He needed her, and she’d clasped her hands over her ears and buried her head in the pillow. The shame of the moment still haunted her.
‘He’s good.’ Beth hesitated, wondering if she could confide in Pearl about how lousy she was at motherhood, or what was happening to her mind. At the very least she could mention seeing Spencer Jordan.
Pearl’s children were close to the phone again, causing Beth to pull back a touch. Their high-pitched screams weren’t the calm chat she was expecting.
‘Look, Pearl, I can hear you’re busy. I’ll call another time.’
‘Sorry, babe. Honestly, it’s all go here tonight.’
‘Speak soon.’
‘Bye, Beth. Love you.’
‘Love you too.’ And with that, Beth ended the call.
It was as though someone just dumped a whole heap of darkness on her head, as the feeling of emptiness hit hard. If it weren’t for the low light from the lamp in the corner of the room, she would have been sure there was no light left in the world at all.
I want to be normal again.
She gazed at her son.
You deserve a life like Pearl’s kids have. I can’t give you that. I can’t give you anything.
Slowly and calmly Beth set about packing Archie’s pram bag. She filled it with some clothes, nappies, and a tub of baby milk.His bottles were packed, as was his washbag. She added an extra blanket to the pram, then sat at the small dining table squashed into one corner of the living room and started to write in the notebook she used for shopping lists.
As much as she knew Archie would be safe and loved with her cousin, she also knew Pearl would be on her case if she dumped the baby on her.
Carefully, she cradled Archie, placing him gently in his pram. He stirred slightly, wriggled his arms, then drifted back to sleep.
What was she doing? She knew exactly what she was doing. She just couldn’t stop herself. Even the bitter cold air failed to wake her from the trance she seemed captured in. Her feet moved by themselves. Her body forced to join the trip. Her mind unable to comment or complain.
The journey down to Harbour End Road seemed to take all of five minutes, and if one person passed her along the way, she didn’t see them.
Beth steered the pram to the harbour wall, looking out at the blackness of the sea. It looked deadly out there tonight. No stars or full moon to romanticize the scene. No jolly sailors singing sea shanties while aboard their vessels. Just the low hum of moving water.
