If I knew that, I could help myself, thanks!
Beth took a calming breath as best she could, then burst out crying, which really was unexpected. Pearl came running in, tissues in hand, and cradled her into her arms.
‘I don’t know what’s going on,’ Pearl mumbled to Jan, but Beth heard.
‘Whatever is going on,’ said Jan, a little louder so Beth could definitely hear over her slowing sobs, ‘we’re going to figure it out, and I can promise you, everything’s going to be all right.’
It was reassuring to hear, but that was all.
Beth loosened Pearl’s grip, then wiped her nose when her cousin stood to fetch the tea.
‘Why don’t we start at the beginning, Beth. See if we can spot the trigger for all this.’ Jan’s voice was as soothing as the lullabies she’d sing to Archie.
Oh no, she couldn’t start crying again. How dare she feel sorry for herself after the stunt she had pulled last night? She needed to reach for some focus. Talk to the woman. It could hardly make matters worse.
Thinking back, Beth recalled the day fear overtook her mind, body, and soul. It wasn’t hard to remember.
‘You can pinpoint the moment, can’t you?’ said Jan, offering a reassuring smile.
Beth gave a slight nod. ‘I was in my last stage of pregnancy.’ She continued to share her nightmare, wondering what the therapist would make of the journey from hell she’d been on. She was still figuring it out herself.
‘Ah, I see,’ said Jan, once more had been explained. ‘What happened to you during that time were panic attacks. What’s happening to you now is PTSD.’
Beth didn’t mean to scoff. It just came out. Jan was making her sound like she was ex-forces or something. ‘I haven’t been to war,’ she said quietly, even though part of her felt she had. ‘I don’t have flashbacks.’
Jan smiled softly as she closed a notebook on her lap that Beth had only just noticed. ‘People always think that’s what PTSD is all about. But there is so much more to the condition,and it’s not just linked to the military. It’s caused by all sorts of trauma, and what you went through was traumatic. It didn’t help not knowing what was happening to you. It’s always worse when you have no label for your problem.’
The therapist was right, just handing out medical terms had made things slightly clearer.
‘But I do know some stuff about anxiety,’ said Beth. ‘I’m a primary school teacher, and I’ve had a few kids in my class who suffer with their nerves.’
‘Knowing about it and having a full-blown panic attack swipe you off your feet are two very different things.’ Jan thanked Pearl for the tea she passed over. ‘You now know what it feels like, and you have discovered there is so much more to the issue than just the fear it causes.’
‘So, that’s it?’ asked Pearl, sitting on the chair opposite Beth. ‘Trauma is causing this?’ She turned to Beth. ‘I wish I had known about your pregnancy problem. I would have tried to help you.’
‘I didn’t know what was happening to me. I assumed I was cracking up. I wouldn’t let the doctors near me at first. I wasn’t just afraid, I was petrified, and I couldn’t do anything about it because I kept freezing. It was such a weird feeling. I felt stuck.’ Beth glanced at Jan.
A wave of gentleness flashed through Jan’s eyes. ‘Well, now I know your story and what led you to where we are today, we can work on getting you better.’
Beth swiped away a tear. ‘I thought I’d gone insane. I lost my voice, Jan. I couldn’t communicate with anyone, and I just wanted the world to leave me to die. Are you sure that was just anxiety doing that to me? I honestly thought the condition was just about fear, not irrational behaviour and feeling lost.’
‘Oh, there’s a lot more to all mental health problems than most people think. Look at you just now with the PTSD subject. Like most, you linked it to the armed forces, and all youknew about its symptoms was flashbacks. Your night sweats, hypervigilance, thinking you’re going to die, your baby might die. It’s all increased alertness, keeping you triggered at all times. That’s PTSD.’
Pearl folded her arms in a huff. ‘Why didn’t the hospital staff tell her that?’
‘I wasn’t having most of that then,’ said Beth. ‘Just the panic. It waved through me whenever they came near me, wanting to induce labour, but I didn’t know what was happening to me. I wanted to give birth, I really did, but it was as though a wall appeared from nowhere and just brought me to a stop. I couldn’t get past it. I couldn’t even speak.’
Pearl turned to Jan. ‘But why wouldn’t the doctors and nurses recognize that?’
Beth shook her hands, clutching her fingers to calm the tremble. ‘Not one person in that hospital mentioned anything to do with mental illness.’ She cast her mind back to clarify. It was true, no one said a word. ‘I guess they just thought I was scared.’
‘Okay,’ said Jan. ‘At least we know how this started, so let’s take some time to work out a recovery plan for you, Beth. It’s for the best if we stay focused on your healing.’
The thought alone made Beth feel as though air was back in her lungs. From the way Jan was speaking, it might just be possible she’d be able to get back to normal at some point. Hope filled her from head to toe. It was a start, and way more than she’d had for months.
‘We need to talk about Archie now,’ added Jan, and that small light in Beth suddenly dimmed to a dot.
‘It’s okay, Beth,’ said Pearl. ‘We’ll get him back.’
