Nick started to waffle. They could use a nerf ball but it wasn’t nearly as awesome as smashing the hell out of a puck. He missed playing. He also worried that playing again would sideline him for good if his knee wasn’t ready. Ellie appeared in the doorway wearing a pair of gray lounge pants with a matching sweater, her damp hair up with a clip.
Asher dropped the stick and ran toward her. “Mommy. I’s just showing Uncle Nick my gear.”
Ellie glanced at Nick, then at the TV, then down at Asher. “Oh yeah? You weren’t practicing in the house?”
Silence. Nick waited. Ellie stared down at her son.
His head fell forward. “I did it. I sorry.”
Ellie looked at Nick, her lips twitching. She crouched down. “The important thing is you were honest. How about we all play later?”
Asher’s mood immediately turned. He took his helmet off, tossing it to the floor. “That’s what Uncle Nick said.”
And just like that, the kid sped from the room and Nick wasn’t sure if he was amused, impressed, or fucking exhausted. One thing was for sure; the last ten minutes had taken his mind off of kissing Maisie and agreeing to step in for a goat.
Ellie came into the room, picked up the helmet and the stick, and stowed them in the closet.
“Wanna tell me why Carlie Choi just texted to tell me you’re standing in for a goat as a celebrity judge tomorrow?”
Nick put his hands on his hips. “Who is Carlie Choi?”
Ellie looked at him. “That’syour response?” She laughed. “The mom of one of Asher’s friends. She works for the mayor.”
He dropped his head, then gave up and just sank onto the couch, tilted his head back, and closed his eyes.
Ellie sank down beside him and he felt her stare. “You can’t be this distraught over standing in for a goat. From what I hear, it’s really quite an honor.”
He turned his head, opened his eyes so he could see her. She was smiling, but when she reached out and tapped his arm, he saw concern underneath. “What’s really going on, Nicky?”
“They brought up trading me.”
Ellie sat up straight, her mouth dropping open. “What? Why? You have eighteen more months on your contract.”
Sitting up, he lowered his forearms to his thighs. “I do. Which is why they also offered to pay me out.”
“You were having an excellent season. You’ve been a point leader for the last three years.”
Maybe he shouldn’t have started this because he couldn’t really blame them. He was thirty-four years old. No matter how good he was, he was no longer twenty-two. The effort it was taking to rehab his knee this time around was more proof than he wanted or needed. Nick planned to play in the new year. They were expecting him back. But almost no one knew that his head was messed up about it. He was scared that if he went on the ice and got hit again, his career would be stripped from him. That he wouldn’t be sitting where he was right now—which was still with a choice to make.
“I’ve been thinking about retiring.”
She sucked in a breath. Nick turned to meet her surprised gaze.
“I’m almost thirty-five, El.”
“Hockey is your life.” She said the words he’d always said.
The words he’d wholeheartedly believed would never change.
“I’m tired. I miss you guys. Maybe it’s time to get out before I don’t have a choice.” There. He’d said what was eating away at him. When people came up to him right now, telling him how great he was, it felt like they were talking about someone else. Realizing and accepting that he was no longer the player he used to be wassomething his therapist said he was going to need to face.No shit, doc.
Ellie put her hand on his arm and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I won’t lie and say having you around more isn’t wonderful. But you need to really think about what you want, Nick. You’ve always said without hockey, you’re nothing. I’ve never believed that but I believed it’s how you felt.”
He tilted his head so it rested on hers. “It’s the first time in my life that I haven’t known, one hundred percent, what I want.” Though, that wasn’t entirely true. He wanted to be close to his family. He wanted to slow down and not be on the road all the time. He wanted to sleep in. Maybe get a dog. He wanted to just love hockey again without all of the other stuff clouding it.
He wanted Maisie. When he kissed her, he forgot about everything else. She wasn’t an escape. She was like a portal to a different world.
“Whatever choice you make, I’m here. Always.”
