The question hangs in the air between us. We both know the answer.
“I don’t know what happened back then, Em, and I’m not saying you need to jump into bed with the next guy who looks at you,” Lea continues. “But maybe avoiding relationships entirely hasn’t been the healthiest coping mechanism for you?”
I feel something crack inside me, like ice breaking on a frozen lake. “I had a bad experience, OK? Late in high school. This guy, he…” I swallow hard. “He wasn’t who I thought he was. And when I wouldn’t… when I told him no… he made sure everyone thought I was the problem.”
It’s the most I’ve told anyone at college about Derek.
Lea’s eyes soften with understanding. “Em, I had no idea. Are you sure you’re ready to put yourself out there again?”
I chew on my lower lip. “Yes. No. Maybe? I don’t know.” I laugh without humor. “That about covers all possible answers, right?”
“Not quite.” Lea smiles. “The honest answer is probably somewhere in the paragraph of thoughts racing through your head right now.”
She knows me too well. My brain is indeed whirring with a thousand different responses, each one fighting to get out first.
“I’m actually proud of myself for last night,” I finally admit. “I mean, not the running-away part. But before that, I was forward, Lea. I asked him to go outside. I kissed him without overthinking it. For about ten glorious minutes, I felt… normal.”
“That’s huge progress.”
“But my inexperience—” I shake my head, frustrated. “It’s like trying to climb Mount Everest when everyone else is already at the summit having a picnic. Linc has probably been with dozens of girls who knew what they were doing. And I’m over here needing an instruction manual for kissing.”
Lea shifts on the bed, careful consideration in her eyes. “First of all, you donotneed an instruction manual for kissing. I saw you and Linc at O’Neil’s, and trust me, whatever you were doing was working just fine. So this is a victory, not a failure.”
I pull one of her pillows to my chest and hug it. “It doesn’t feel that way at the moment.”
“Because you’re focusing on the wrong part.” She gently pulls the pillow away. “Focus on the part where you took a step forward, not where you stumbled.”
“I am, to some extent, believe it or not…” I shrug. “In fact, I’ve worked up a plan to start dating again.”
Lea nods, her eyes thoughtful. “Knowing you, it is probably color-coded and laminated.”
“It’s not laminated,” I protest. “It’s… in a spreadsheet.”
She laughs. “Of course it is. Let me guess—organized by likelihood of success?”
“No, actually.” I grin, suddenly feeling a little better. “I’d planned to start with the dating apps, but they’re… ick. Then I decided to go all in with Linc… but now I think I need a new approach: get with someone who understands that I might need to take things slow, and who won’t pressure me or get frustrated.”
“That sounds reasonable.”
“And definitely not an athlete.”
Lea’s eyebrows climb toward her hairline. “What’s wrong with athletes?”
“Nothing’s wrong with them,” I say quickly, aware that her boyfriend is one. “But they’re like… gods on campus. Everyone wants them, everyone knows them, and they have way too much experience. Everything with them is high stakes and very, very public.”
“So what you’re saying is, you want a nice, hot nerd.”
I laugh, feeling some of the tension leave my body. “Exactly. A nice, hot nerd who won’t mind if I need to take things slow.”
“I’m not sure I know many nice, hot nerds. But…” Her eyes light up. “There are a couple of parties this weekend. We’ll go, scout the scene, and find you a nice, non-threatening nerd who thinks calculus is sexy and won’t mind taking things at whatever pace you need.”
The idea isn’t terrible. And it beats sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
“Fine,” I sigh.
Lea raises her hand. “I promise to be the best wing woman at Pine Barren.”
I feel a surge of gratitude. “Thanks, Lea.”
