I used my best baby voice to mock him. “Oh really? It’s not fair? That must be sofwustratingforTwavis.”
The blob bumped into the couch, except this time instead of rolling off in a different direction, it bounced up and over the couchflying at us. Travis grabbed my shoulders and slammed me to the ground as it sailed over our heads.Batman clattered to the ground. I instantly subtracted money from our quotedfee,imaginingthe tantrum Mrs. Keen would go on if Batman left marks on her hardwood floor.
Flattened on the ground, I found it was suddenly hard to swallow. When I met Travis’s wide-eyed stare, his face even closer than the last time,tingles rushed down my arms and chest. My mouth inexplicably watered. I told myself it was the adrenaline from almost dying by Gumby’s cousin.
I swallowed andpulled myself together.“Okay, the thing is poisonous, maybe we can use a chemical of some kind?”
We got back to our feet and turned to face our nemesis.
The injustice of having my nemesis bealame, evil clay ball was not lost on me. Why couldn’t we be fighting a vampire or a werewolf or something cool?I’dyet to hear reports of those kinds of monsterswreaking havocin Colorado.Demons, ghouls, and evil spirits ran rampant, but hell if I could find a sexy, sparkling blood-sucker who was loaded.
The ball was at the front entrance of the house. Light streamed from the slim window over the top of thewhitedoor.I wiped the sweat off my forehead with my arm.Coloradoweather was weird.It was mid-December but in true bipolar form, we were on a hot streak ofseventy-degreedays. Any day the pendulum would swing the other way, and we’d get hitby a snowstorm. It would probably have to hit eighty before it dropped all the way back down to the twenties.
Theshiftinggray blob rolled back and forth slightly, like a bull preparing to charge back down the hallway at us.
Scouring my brain for any remnants of high school chemistry, I asked, “How can we tell if it’s an acid or base?”
Travis glanced at me. “Um, throw a bunch of different household cleaners at it? I’ve seen that in a couple movies before.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Forget a formidable nemesis. Why couldn’t I have a cooler partner? One who had a mysterious, questionable past, and extensive knowledge of the dark and all that emerged from it? No, thisformer stoner’smainframe of reference wasprobably frommonster movieshe watched at 2:00 a.m.on a Tuesdaywhile completely blazed.
Never mind that you got the idea of a nail riddled bat from a TV show you watch.
I told my brain to shut up; that was totally different.
I shot a quick look to check if Mrs. Keen was still judgmentally lurking in the kitchen, but it appeared she’d finally hightailed it out of the house. If she were like any self-respectinghousewife,she would have stashed hercleaning supplies under her kitchen sink.
I patted Travis’s shoulder. “Cool, brb.”
“Wait, what?” He turned towardme,butIwasalready sprintingfor the kitchen. The gross gushy sounds told me the blobby bull had also decided to make its move.
I nearly ripped the cabinet doors offand pulledout as many spray bottles as possible, unsure of which would be effective, if any.
I ran back to find Travis had somersaultedbackward off the couch.Hestruggledto get to his feet. Meanwhile, our evil blob had a new trick. Part of its mass shot up to hang over the couchthenpulled the rest of itself up and over.
IwieldedtheWindexand began to spray the unholy demon. “Hyah,” I hollered like a cowboy. “Back.”
The blue liquid spritzed against the blob, andthe demonstilled. I sprayed several more times. “Die, die, die.”
“Uh,Krystan, I think you want to try another,” Travis said, edging backward.The blob shuddered and swelled up. “I think you’re feeding it,” he added.
Well,fuck nuggets.
I dropped theWindex. The blob stopped shuddering and swelling, having added several inches toitself onall sides. The blob split across, and a mouth opened displaying tiny sharp teeth.
Double fuck nuggets.
“Krystan, it’s acidic, try a base, like baking soda!” Travis yelled just as the blob launched itself across the living room at me. I stumbled backward into the kitchen, dropping the rest of the cleaners as I hit the ground. My assskidded backward across the tile.
The baking soda was probably in the pantry, which the blob landed splat in front of. I scuttled away until my back hit the cabinets. Travis screamedas it rolled right for me.
Was I seriously going to be murdered by a lame-ass blob monster? This seriously sucked. Thestringentsmell ofWindexoverwhelmedme as the blob’smouth opened, ready to swallow my liquified flesh after its skin touched mine.The remaining foot between us shrank.
Light flashed so bright I threwan arm overmy eyes.
Was I dead? Was the light me being sent to heaven? Why did heaven smell likeWindex?
Yeah, like you’d go to heaven, my brain mocked.
