I knew what I needed. All I wanted was to take her upstairs into the bedroom and fold her into me and give into the horrible all-consuming grief that was blanketing me.I’d resisted getting stoned out of my mind after Emma and Calan threw themselves to their fate to save the world. Mrs.Ritswas almost more than I could bear, and I just wanted to disappear into a cloudy haze so I couldn’t feel.
ButKrystanwouldn’t give in to the grief right now.I glanced at her stomach, wantingto ask if she felt okay butbringing upthe babywould only add more stress.
To be honest, I didn’t want to think about it too hard either.And I didn’t want to think about where or who the father was either.She’d made it perfectly clear that bed acted as a revolving door.Whatever loser guy shehaddragged back from a bar wasno one Icaredto meet anytime soon. He wouldn’t have teeth for very long after our meeting.
“We should check the cameras then,”I said, pushing asidethe dark thoughts. I stood and ran my fingers over my hair to pull it back from my forehead. Her eyes flicked down to my exposed stomach for a half a second, her expression akin to a hungry wolf.
“Cameras?” she asked, her tone distracted.For a moment, I wondered if she wouldn’t jump me. She tended to go to extremes when it came to her reactions. Even if it meant lowering herself to sleeping with me again.
“Yeah, remember? We set them all over the perimeter of the house.”
Her eyes sparked. “Holy shit, the cameras.” With that,Krystanbacked away from whatever precipice she’d been standing on. I’d give into my own grief later, right now, I could helpKrystankeep it together.After that, who knew?
14
We usually worked in the kitchen, but I couldn’t be in there, not after finding gran like that...
Even the dining room was too close for comfort, so Travis ushered me out the door and we hunkered down in his van. Thankfully theWi-Fireached to the parking spot Travis hadnabbedon the street.
Sitting across fromTravison the floor in the back of the van, I wrapped my arms around my knees and rocked back and forth.
Don’t think.Don’t think. The key was not to think aboutanything. God, could he go any slower?
As Travis’s dexterous fingers clicked away on his clunky, outdated gaming laptop, he kept flickingconcernedglances my way.He’d changed hisshirt into a long sleeved, gray shirt with waffle texture. I knew that shirt was a particularly soft one from pulling it out of the dryer one time. He’d walked into the small laundry room off the kitchen, completely barechested and damn near caught me smelling his shirt.
Taking it from me, he pulled it over his head while he apologized for using our machines. He hadn’t had time to go to the laundromatwith all theWhack- A- Ghouljobswe’d been fielding. I hadn’t paid attention to what he was saying.All I could think was how his once pasty, flabby figure had tightened, muscled, and looked damned good with a tan.
“What are you thinking over there?” Travis asked carefully, breaking me frommyreverie.
“Anything but gran,” Isaid, stillrocking. I would be haunted by finding her like that.An addition to the horrible ghosts I already lived with.She didn’t look like herself, like maybe someone hadplaceda bad wax double of heron the kitchenfloor.My mind was a pendulum of denial and acceptance of the horrible truth. She was gone.
“Almost in,”Travissaid.
Crawling over to sit next to him, I wrapped my knees up in my arms once again but leaned into Travis’s body. He didn’t say anything.
If I were him, I would have kicked my ass out of the van. He should have spit in my eye and called me a total bitch after the things I said tonight, but instead he leaned his shoulder back into mine.A shuddering sigh escaped me.
My grandma’s words revisited me.The truth is you’re scaredyou’re not good enough forhim.
How had she known? I hadn’t even known. Not until she said it, but since then,the sentiment had pounded into me over and over until I was bloodied by its rawtruth. And then to be extra sure, I proved it to myself.
I was a monstrous bitch, and I’d destroy anyone that got close to me. Thelast person to unconditionally love me was on their way to the morgue.
“I don’t have anyone now.” I didn’t realize I’d said the words out loud untilthe clackingkeys stopped. “First my parents, then Emma, and now gran.” A weight settled on my chest, so heavy I thought it would crush me.Pretty soon, I wouldn’t have the house either.“I have no one and soon I’ll have nowhere to go.”
“That’s not true,” Travis said.
When I met his eye, I was surprised by the amount of pain he held in those green depths.He also loved my gran, which made my attempt to push him away earlier that much worse. Maybe if we hadn’t fought, maybe if we’d just gonehome,we could havesaved her...no I couldn’tthink like that.
“It isn’t?” I asked.
Tell me you want to stay, no matter how crazy andawfulI am.
I should make him leave. I’m too dangerous to be around.
Turning back to intently focus on the blue screen, typing again, he said, “Phillip will be back with Gregory soon. And you have Sophie and Noah, at least for a little while longer.”
They certainlywere people in my life, but I didn’t know if Icould helpthem anymore. Maybe I should take Gregory to a different sanitorium and the kids to child services and let them figure out where the parents were.
