Itwaslike he slugged me in the gut. Was I back in the alley with whatever it was that unleashed nightmares?
His eyebrows lifted. “What? You thought I was going to try and tell youthatyouaren’t those things? You know I’d be lying. You are as dangerous as aweaselon crystal meth, wearing a vest made of razor blades.”
“Are you trying to make me feel better?”
His eyes softened but his mouth was still pressed into a firm line.“I’m being honest with you because I know you wouldn’t tolerate anything less. You are one volatile bag of crazy, and I never know when you’re going to explode.You are abusive, degrading, and frankly a huge pain in my ass. But I’m still here, you want to know why?” He spread his arms out wide.
I could only shake my head.
A feral grin curled the corner of his lips. “Because you are the exact person anyone in their right mind would want to have on their teamfor hell on earth.Because while some girls bake,or knit, orbackpack, you will take a bat to anything that threatens something or someone you care about.
“There is nothing wrong with you.The only thing that is wrong with you is you think you should be something different because you are afraid of what you are. You don’t go around randomly killing people, youtook in a couple of stray kids and refused to pass them off on someone elsebecause you didn’t want anything bad to happen to them. To have a kid, you don’t need to be anything different than you are now. You can wear your stripper boots,wail on things from the Stygian,and do it with a babybjornon.Stop punishing yourself for what your dick of a daddid,and everything will be okay. You’re fine exactly the way you are.”
Fuck. Was he seriously going to make me cry? After everything, this is what caused tears to escape my eyes.
Travis looked panicked and raised his hands ready to cross over tome butclosed them back into fists.“Okay I didn’t mean fine though, because you should get therapy, drink a little less,and stop cutting your own bangs.Maybe pitch in for gas for the vanevery once in a while.”
I was full on ugly crying now. Bone-shattering sobswent straightinto my hands.Thelast time I cried like this was before my mom died. After that I'd zipped up all my emotions because they could be used against me.I never wanted to be weak like my mom and let anyone beat me down.The last time I shed any tears was over Emma, but it was nothing like this torrential downpourof decades of grief being released.
I’d kept the secret of my dad locked up so tight (pun intended) that I’d never let out my fears into the open. Emma and I had lost our mothers at the same age. And while we shared our grief, I never told her these dark fears that lurked in the corners of my being. Now that Travis had pulled them out into the light, they melted away, too absurd to continue existing.
He was right, I would never mercilessly beat someone the way he did. I may be a bit psycho, but I used it to protect people I loved. I wasn’t so unhinged that I would turn around and hurt people I loved like that. I cried harder, letting it all out.
Travis awkwardly patted my back then stepped away, then rocked forward to pat me again before whirling around to pace back and forth, his shoes squeaking on the bathroom tile. “Dammit, I never say the right thing. I screw everything up.”
It took a few moments for me to calm down enough to speak clearly. “Nono,that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
He stopped pacing. “Really?”
“Yeah butbake and knit?Seriously?Girls can be CEOsand 3D printshit,you sexist asshole.” He said things that penetrated to the bottom of my soul,but he was still Travis.
He hung hishead,but he was smiling now. “Yeah, sorry.Beyoncéis queen and girls run theworld.” Heheldup a fistof solidarity for the females.
I pulled out a paper towel and wiped my nose which wasnowrunning like a broken faucet. “Damn right.You’re still kind of a fuck up.” The smile on my face melted away. “But seriously Travis, you’ve been with me long enough to know it’s true. I destroy everything. If I have this baby, I will destroy its life. And if you stay, I’ll destroy you too. You should go.” The last words landed with a weight on my chest, the truth of it rattling my bones.
Travis didn’t blink. Staring at me, the low lights made his green eyes an unnerving jade color. His jaw flexed and released.
“You could start over somewhere, anywhere,far away from me,”I said.
He crossed the distance between ussohe could run a hand down my hair, trying to smooth it down,but my hair wasso thick I doubtedit worked.
“If I’m being honest, the only place I want to be is by your crazypsychoticass. You may be as dangerous as a powder keg, but I've grown used to you. You infuriate me sometimes, when you’re not busy insulting me.”
“You’re screwing it up again,” I grumbled.
He stopped mewith his firm tone.“But with you, I have direction. We go out and slay evil shit, and while we may not be the best at it,doing it with you is fun as hell and it’s the most purpose I’ve ever had. I’m not sure I would feel that way working with anyone else. I may be a screwup, but we are both kind of fucked in the head and that somehow works for us.So,don’t tell me I need to go because you’re going to destroy me. I think at this point, after everything with Emma and Calan, and now with your gran gone, it would destroy me to lose you too.”
Ugh was that punch in the gut because of what he justsaid? Orcould fetuses kick this early on?
Dear god. I was going to do it. I was seriously going to have a baby. Like the first dip in a roller coaster, my stomach dropped with the certainty that I wanted to havethe baby and be a mom. Logic and clear thinking weren’tmy guiding star,butinstinctwas. And I felt it now, pumping through myblood withacertaintyI could nevertrulyexplain to another person. Itwas simply truth. I was going to be a mom for better or worse.
“Travis, about the...” I laid my hand on my stomach.
Tell him. Tell him it’s his baby and you lied about being with anyone since him.
“Hey, whatever you want to do, I’ll be right there with you.Youwant tohave a kid, there is room in my utility belt for bottles and diapers. You’re not alone, you’d be a kickassmom,but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want. If there is onethingI’ve learned about you, it’s that you don’t do anything you don’t want.”
Exhaustion, relief, and grief swept through me. I couldn’t start more shit right now because I couldn’t finish it. I’d find a way to tell him later.
