Shewas washing dishes in the kitchen when we both heard the car door slam.It wasdifficultto wrap my hands around the big puzzle pieces I was playing with, and I couldn’t figure out how they fit together. Mommyglanced out the window, and I immediately knew she was scared.
My mommy wasreally thin,andwhen she was sadher face looked eventhinnerand whiter. Once I told her she looked like a ghost sometimes, and it made her eyes water up like mine did when I was about to cry. I think I hurt her feelings when I said that.
Without drying her hands, my mom ran over to where I was sitting. I cried out in pain whensheyanked me by the arm to get me to my feet.
“I’m sorry baby,” she said. “I'm so sorry, but I need you to stop crying. I need you to be quiet. Very quiet.It’s time to play our game.Do you understand? Don't come out until I get you. Just like last time okay?”
She pushed me toward the hall closet.I didn’t like this game.Bad things happened when I went into there.My parents yelled and made me want to cry.I didn’t like the smelly closet.Itwas full of stufflikevacuums, luggage,and ourbulkywintercoats.When I asked if I could hide in my room, mommy said no because my dad would know to find me there. She said we were playing hide and seek and that if he found me, he would win. It wasreally importantwe didn’t let him win.
SoI crammed myself into thealreadycrowdedspaceand she closed the doors tightly from the outside.I could still peek through the slatesinto the living room and kitchen.
My dadstormed into the house, yellinglike an ogre. He picked up a lamp and threw it across the room. I didn’t know why he was so angry or what he was screaming about. Something about my mom being a horse.The words came outof his mouthfunny, like he was sleepy. He usually sounded like that when he smelled bad and mommy said it was because he drank. I hoped I didn’t smell or sound like that afterdrinkingjuice.
“Snap out ofit,Krystan.” The words sounded like they came from underwater. I blinked and saw a man with green eyes yelling in my face.
Blinking again,I watched mydad landanotherblow,and I heard a crunch.I covered my ears, trying not to listen,trying tobea good hider.Mommy told me to.
I heard the words from that green-eyed managain,but they sounded far away.“GoddammitKrystan, you need to fight it. Youdon’t let anyone control you, don’t start now. You are a badass bitch. Demonsare scared ofyou.”
They should be. I was dangerous. I hated what my dad was doing, but I understood. I wanted to do the same things to him. Make him cry and bleed. Dark thoughts of all theways I would torment him tumbled around my head.
My dad'sopen hand landed across mommy’s face.I wanted to close myeyes,but I couldn’t. The sound of a smack rang in my ears as he hit her againand shefell on the ground. Closing his hand into a fist, I knew I needed to close myeyesnow,butI couldn’t. I couldn’t breathe.Couldn’tstop him.
Her screams echoed in my soul. Theyswelled all aroundand inme until I was consumed by her cries.
The man’s voice cut through again.“You win,Krystan.I'll be your whipping boy. I’ll do whatever you want, bow before you, lick your boots, let you drive the van more, just come back to me.”
My heart squeezed in pain and longing, like I was homesick.
Mommy told me Ineeded to stay here. Bequiet andhide. I didn’t want to make her sad, but I wanted my dad to stop.I wanted all of this to stop. I wantedhis blood.
The screams ceased. My mom wasn’t moving anymore. Straightening up from where he was hunched over her, I meet my dad’s eyesthrough the slates.Droplets of blood slid down his face.
Butit wasn’t my dad’s face, I was staring into my own.I was older and I had just killed my mother.A sob caught in my throat. How could I have done that? Hurt someone I love?
Older me stood up, revealing the body on the ground. My mom’s face was battered, asickeningswollen mixture of reds and purplesthat oozed blood.Then she morphed into my gran, a knife sticking out of her chest, blood pooling around her.
I had killed my gran.
This time I heard anger in the man’s voice. “GoddammitKrystan, you aren’t thathelplesslittle girl anymore.And there is nothing wrong with you now.You grew up to be demon slayerwho protectspeople.You’re a goddamn superhero. A goddess, okay? Is that what you want to hear?”
Thefour-year-oldme was standing by my gran’s body, her voice was a warning. “Mommy told us to hide.”
The man spoke again, louder this time.“If you let this bastard take you, you won’t be able to help Sophie, or meet our kid.You can fight this, you fight everything, forchrissake, don’t stop now.”Then I heard in a lower, strangled tone. “I love you and I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re the only one who is my kind of crazy.I need you. This world needs you, just the way you are.”
Warmth sparked deep inside my center. The man was right. The world did need me.I was a fantastic fucking goddess,and I wasn’t going to hide in the closet, and I wasn’t my piece of shit dad.Violencewas intermingled with my core, but I got to choose how I wielded it.
I blinked and saw Travis standing in front of me.It was like waking up from a nightmare, but when I tried to move I couldn’t.My limbs wereweak,and my chest felt as though a large invisible clawed hand had ripped through my back to the front of my chest. Looking down, I sawnothing,but I knew I was dying.
“Hey, hey there,” Travis said, catching my face in his hands. “There she is. I need you to tell thisthingto fuckrightoff.”Hisskinwasashen,and his green eyes were searching mineas if terrified I was going to leave. I tried to lick my lips andlooked intohis face. It was like coming home. Like knowing everything was going to be okayas long aswe were together.
Not that he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. Bad shit willalways findyouand drag you out from where you were hiding under the bed.ButTravis would always be there standing by my side no matter what happened, facing it with me. I could be whoever I needed to be without shame or fear.And if I acted outof line, he had no problems telling me.We figured things out no matter how hard or scary.
Something must have changed in my expression because the corner of Travis’s lips turned up. I was going to kissthat sexy mouthonce I was free.
Closing my eyes, I felt into the parts where the Shinigami was feeding off my trauma.
Remembering something Gregory said to me long ago, I repeated his wordsin my head, making them my own.
