I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I awoke I was alone in our bed. As I rolled into the rumpled sheets, inhaling the scent of her as I ached so badly I didn’t know if I could get up again. But I would. And then I would have to find a way to stop her, though I feared it wasn’t possible.
23
The next few days were a blur. I pretended not to notice the undercover guards the Veritas posted all around my building. They were using me as bait.
I stayed glued to the television. The news reported the disappearance of the building in New Mexico leaving behind only black scorch marks in the dirt where the entire building had once been. Then there was the steady disappearance of creatures from the Stygian.
Emma was feeding. The more she absorbed, the stronger she became.
She came again that night. I don’t know how she got by the guards, and I didn’t ask. In silence she slipped into the bed alongside me and we made love. I told myself it was a dream, pretended I didn’t know what she was doing all day. The feel of her hands along my chest was only a memory. A memory I could lose myself in. When I woke, the bed was empty.
It happened again a few nights later. Each time, I found it far too easy to lie to myself. I was keeping her near so she couldn’t do any damage to others in those few hours. I was trying to ascertain her weaknesses. I already knew though, she had none.
No matter how I tried to tell myself that Emma was gone, I simply couldn’t believe it. A part of me refused to lose hope that Emma was right there with me. Her scent, her touch, even the facial expressions the beast made were so distinctly Emma that I couldn’t let go. If there was any part of her in there, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her. And I hated myself for it.
The difference between blinding myself and being blinded by others was that I had to carry the deep underlying guilt and shame. I wondered if Master Ylang experienced such emotions as he lied to me and my brothers, telling us we didn’t possess a soul and needed to earn it back by the grace of their guidance.
My cellphone continued to ring and buzz. I’d listened to the first few messages. Travis called. He wanted to know what we should do. I still didn’t have an answer for him. Then Krystan started calling demanding I stop ducking them and man up. She failed to provoke me into returning their calls.
Despite the Veritas headquarters rubbed out to nothing more than a smudge. Regina called to ask how I was doing and if I was eating. Phillip called updating me with their efforts to track Emma. She was in the wind. They needed my help. After I’d left the Orders last, they had divided once again, disagreeing on how best to protect the remaining books.
Apparently, the Luxis refused to share what little power they had left. The Tenebrae threw all their focus into convincing the Luxis to return their book, eventually resorting to threats. Odina accused the Tenebrae of supporting Emma’s plans to end the world, while my parents were no doubt trying to take a leadership role despite no one wanting to grant it to them. United as the Orders were against Emma, they still couldn’t work together.
Every day Emma grew more powerful, but they didn’t know what she was planning exactly. They knew the books were key to collapsing our dimensions into each other, but no one knew exactly how.
I waited for Diana and Gregory to reach out. They’d left to find the Spiritus, but I wasn’t hopeful. All prophecies had always led to Emma’s death. She had always been the one to see an alternative path light up.
Eventually I stopped charging the phone. It remained silent as the grave on the kitchen counter. Then there were knocks at the door of the apartment, but I’d left the lights off, sitting in the dark until they left.
After a week I decided to try Krystan’s approach to dealing with problems. Drinking them away. Hardly ever having imbibed except for the bit of wine Emma introduced to me, being drunk was a new experience. As I gulped down the third glass of some fiery brown liquid, I understood the appeal of trying to dullen the sharp edges of one’s life with the buzz. When I’d neared the end of the liquor bottle, I vividly recalled the silken feel of her skin and how when she smiled it was like seeing the sun. I wanted more. Out of booze, I realized I would need more if I wished to continue this experiment.
The cool night air was too sobering, and I walked faster to the corner store. The air smelled of ozone and fresh cut grass. I breathed it in, having not been outside for over a week. A familiar van drew up alongside me.
“Calan,” I heard, and turned to see Travis behind the wheel. I didn’t slow down, staying true to my course to obtain more alcohol.
The van stopped and Travis was suddenly at my side. “Hey man, I need you to come over.”
“Why? So we can make a plan to kill Emma?”
“No, I need your help with Snarp. The bird has been more than I can handle with the baby. Every time I turn around he’s trying to figure out how to get inside the oven after he’s turned it on. He actually tried to fly as hard as he could into the window one day. Succeeded in knocking himself out.”
“Perhaps we should kill him,” I said.
“Maybe,” he said slowly. “But I was more hoping you could come over and feed him some Twinkies while I take care of Tristan. I could use a little help.”
I didn’t respond but slowed my gait.
“Where are you on your way to?”
“To acquire liquor,” I said. “I wish to be drunk.” My words were emotionless, flat.
“I can set you up with some scotch if you help me out.”
Travis helped me in the van and before I knew it, he was unlocking the front door to the purple-painted, historic house where Travis and Krystan lived. The wood floors creaked under my feet, giving me a strange sense of coming home. That was where the hominess ended. The glazed eyes of ten china dolls sitting on a table next to the stairs faced me. They wore frothy lace dresses and even more frilly hats.
“Did you find him?” Krystan asked coming down the stairs, Tristan in her arms. She wore a sweatshirt that bagged on her skinny frame so much I knew it must have been Travis’
. She stopped on the stairs when she saw me.
