Jenkins, I’ve told you before. We just keep the lights on. Those kinds of big decisions are above our paygrade.
But will she ever say it, sir?
Well, if these two get to live for an eternity, at some point I have to believe she will work up the cajones to tell him how she feels.
I’m not as optimistic, sir.
Grim didn’t push, though I could see how much he craved to hear the words from me.
I’d fight until I was bloodied to protect him, make sure the Blade of Bane never cut into his body. I would not let him go the way Seth did.
But to fully surrender my heart, leaving nothing for myself… I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t brave enough.
Hurt flashed across his eyes in a millisecond before he closed his emotions off from me. Before I could react, Grim began to thrust. It was a punishing rhythm, though who he was punishing, I couldn’t be sure.
Friction and desire consumed me like a fire. Pleasure swallowed us up in a cloud as we strained for more. He pounded into me until all the pain, guilt, and unsaid words fell away. Our cries for release rose into the air.
It took almost no time for us both to slam into our release. Emotional and physical tension were pushed past the breaking point. We shook and strained as our bodies hurtled into oblivion. I screamed until I was hoarse, while he let out a roar that shook the mirrors on the wall.
When he rolled off me, we both just lay there, staring at the ceiling, reeling from the intensity.
“Wow,” I said, though it came out as a whisper.
Grim rolled onto his side, tucking an arm under his head, making his muscles bulge. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I mean, I think so. I don’t think my brain has returned to my body yet.”
He didn’t laugh, just continued to regard me with concern.
“I’m okay,” I said in a quiet voice. And I was.
“You’re too far away,” Grim grumbled, dragging me across the half a foot until he nestled against him. In moments, he’d stilled and his breath turned heavy and deep.
He still insisted it was impossible for a god to snore, no matter how much I vowed he did.
I skimmed my fingers through his hair, enjoying the texture. The experience he’d just given me had been incredible, and while part of me wondered how else we could explore this control, I was still scared of giving it to him again.
He’d completely taken the wheel and driven my will, but he’d chosen to make it all about me.
But if I gave into him fully, loving him, there wouldn’t be a “me” anymore.
I so desperately wanted to let myself love him but as soon as I did, I would do whatever it took to keep that love. Even if it meant bending me to be someone I wasn’t.
It would start small, like trying not to say things that annoyed him, or dressing in a way I thought was more appropriate, to be seen at his side. If there were parts of me he found displeasing, the urge to fold them up and tuck them away would be overwhelming. No matter how I’d try to resist, I’d still twist myself up like a pretzel to appease him, even if he had no intention of doing it to me.
Even though I knew I’d never win the love of my aunt, I hadn’t been able to keep myself from trying. Maybe if I finally did the right things, my aunt wouldn’t look at me with that sour disappointment and tell me I was a pustule she was making do with. Maybe if I acted perfectly at the senator’s house for a fundraiser, I wouldn’t get smacked around when we got home. Maybe she would protect me from my uncle, and he’d stop visiting me in the middle of the night.
After getting out on my own, I freed myself to be loud, rebellious, and followed my gut any which way it would take me without any regard for what someone else would think of me. People often found me immature, rude, ridiculous, but I told myself it was how I knew I was doing things on my terms.
But allowing myself to love Grim…
The truth was my need for love was so intense and desperate, it had created a dark cavern in my soul which had turned into a bottomless pit. If I kept myself from fully loving Grim, I never risked fully receiving his heart.
Because if I got the love I so craved, I’d do anything to keep it. And that terrified me to the marrow of my bones.
4
Grim
