“She was a witc—a mage,” I instantly correct myself.
Her magic had a pungent smell, like rubbing alcohol and dead flowers, but she was so nice it didn’t matter so much, because I was instantly addicted to talking to her.
“When I asked her why she was out in the Alaskan wilderness, she said she was looking for someone she lost. While she helped me carry the wood back to my pack, she asked about my studies. We homeschool in the pack, and I was very much into. . . ” I pause, feeling stupid before I even said it. “Classic literature. It was part of our English studies, but for a wolf like me, it wasn’t considered an alpha quality. Even my mother would take my books away and shove me outside to go hunting. Then this woman pulled a book out from her coat and gave it to me right there. She said it was one of her favorites.” I swallow over the lump in my throat.
“She wanted me to lead her back to my pack. I warned her they didn’t like outsiders, but she was certain they would help her find who she was missing. I left her at the center of our settlement to unload the wood at the back of our cabin. Then I heard the screaming and roars. I ran back to find the alpha towering over the woman, about to deliver a killing blow.” I still remember the defiance in those aqua eyes as she waited for the death strike. “Before I knew it, I jumped in the way and took the alpha’s hit.”
My fingers drift up to the raised scars, the constant reminder of how I betrayed my own for a woman. “He pulled back just enough to not kill me. Even bleeding and unable to see out of one eye, I got back up and told the alpha he couldn’t kill the woman. Already angry, he became incensed, screaming that I chose a human over my own kind. Then the book she gave me fell out of my coat. I said she was kind, but that only made things worse. He ripped the hardcover volume in two pieces. It took years for me to find that book again and finally read it. The alpha proclaimed I’d committed the ultimate betrayal and I clearly didn’t respect the pack or how things are done. Then he ordered me out of the way so he could kill the woman.”
“No one stopped him?”
I remember the other Weres gathered around us, observing the scene. None of them stood up for the woman or for me.
“My own mother watched this all happen and did nothing.” The pain of that hurts more than I can admit.
“What about your father?” Red asks.
A twisted little half smile plays at the corner of my lips. “The alpha was also my father.”
A small gasp of horror escapes her.
“I lunged at him, ready to fight for her life still. I was too young, too weak, and he took me out in no time. When he was done, he left me bruised and bleeding on the frosted pine needles. I could do nothing as I watched him stalk over to the woman and strike her down in one blow.” Bile rose in my throat. I still remember the last look she gave me. A mix of gratitude and apology, that tore at me to this day. “It was the last thing I saw before I passed out from the pain and blood loss. When I woke, I’d been thrown over the edge of the border of the pack’s territory. They even left a dead rabb—” I stop myself to eye the two rabbits cuddled under the coffee table. “a dead animal for me to eat, in a mock attempt to provide for me. It was a death sentence, and they knew it.”
“How did you survive then?” Red asks, licking her lips before drinking greedily from the bottle.
“I could hunt and fend for myself in the absence of a pack connection, but I was wasting away. I traveled South, closer to the towns of man. Finally, I crossed paths with another hunter, a werewolf. But he had no pack. I was near death, and he took me in. Showed me how to survive, like he had.”
“Sounds like a better dad than your real one,” Red mutters.
“No,” I snap. “To survive as a lone wolf, one must avoid all connections. He wasn’t my family or even my friend, he simply taught me how to survive.”
“Sounds like something someone would do from the kindness of their heart, otherwise why do it?”
We were coming far too close to the reason I was here, but now that I’d opened the floodgates I couldn’t stop. “It was an exchange. My survival in exchange for a favor he would call in one day. It has hung over my head for years, my last tie, and as soon as it’s resolved, I can go back to being truly free.”
“Freedom without friends or family,” she says in a low voice. “Doesn’t sound like a great time.”
I sweep a hand to the apartment. “I do okay on my own.”
A frown tugs at her lips as if she is lost deep in thought. Finally, she asks. “Is it dumb to still want to be part of that world? To belong to where you came from?”
“Yes.”
Her head snaps up.
“Dumb, meaning it’s illogical. Those situations were hostile and had either of us stayed, we probably would have died. But the bond of a pack, the need to belong, it’s a biological imperative. Instinctually, we want to belong, we want others to agree with us, to like what we like, because that means we are working as a unit and will likely survive. And in my case, it literally meant death without it. But what I’ve learned is sometimes the harder path, the lonelier path, gets us where we need to be.”
“Is that why you took the security for Dame Kiki? Because her situation was like yours.”
I hadn’t analyzed why I’d accepted that job. Lord knew I went to her and paid for healing magic many times since then, which was invaluable. But in the beginning, yes, it was likely that. “When Kiki is out of drag, he goes by Robert. His family rejected him for his lifestyle choices and when I met him, he was on the verge of becoming what he is today. Then, he’d been a sad faced young man who had this other side that would flare out like the rays of a sun. Some part of me couldn’t stand to see that extinguished. I knew once Robert got on his feet, he’d be able to stomp any threat back down on his own. Robert, Kiki, just needed a chance.”
“What happened with the family?”
“I intercepted some hired guns. The family wanted to take care of theirproblemquietly so as not to bring shame to their family name and reputation. After the third attempt, I paid them a visit and convinced them it was better to leave Robert, Kiki, be. If they didn’t, I would pay a second house call. They were not keen on that.” I knew my smile was vicious, but I relished their fear. I struggle to abide magic beings, but the bigoted ones absolutely disgust me.
“And does the past, the original place we come from, do we ever stop mourning it?”
My tongue pushes against the inside of my cheek as I consider that. “No. Or at least, I haven’t gotten there yet.”
