This is the right thing to do, I assured myself. You need to start dating and you absolutely cannot be thinking about a particular god who you killed to keep from kissing you.
I only killed him because I was terrified of how much I wanted him. If Xander kissed me, I don’t think I’d let him stop.
When I saw him again tonight, I was determined to be on a totally new level. A new Miranda, in fact. The best, most exciting part of my day wouldn’t be murdering the hottest, craziest god who clearly wanted to do bad, naughty things to me before I stabbed him to death.
New Miranda had a life outside that basement.
Maybe this guy I met would be so interesting I would think of nothing but this nice normal man after this date? Maybe I’d want to assault him with pillows and introduce him to my son?
My stomach lurched so I grabbed another handful of corn chips, hoping the food would help calm my nervous guts.
Catching sight of a tall man walking in, I paused my demolition on the bowl of chips. He was handsome, with neatly styled hair and warm brown eyes. His white linen shirt accentuated his tan features. He was attractive in a clean-cut way, just like in his pictures.
I smiled up at him as he held out his hand for a handshake. "Miranda, it's so nice to meet you in person. I'm Jim." He smiled brightly at me, and I could tell he was pleased with me in real life as well. No cat fishing here.
As we sat down, something similar to a bell, signaling the beginning of a wrestling match, dinged in my head. Let the date begin.
We ordered some tacos and shared about our families and our careers. He was a single dad, divorced, and worked in tech. He loved his two golden retrievers and golfed whenever he could. More than that, he was genuinely interested in me. He respected my time in the service without being intimidated or weird about it. He asked all the right questions about Jamal, relating my stories to that of his daughter, Abby.
Even though the conversation was nice enough, I couldn't help feel like something was missing; something intangible. Was this really a date? It had been so long since I’d been on one. I wondered if they were all just pleasant lunches with strangers until one lunch you suddenly wanted to bang their brains out.
Jim was nice. Perfectly nice. Uncomplicated, respectful, and...and, oh fuck I was bored. I was so bored I wanted to cry.
My thoughts slipped back to Xander's wicked grin and intense, ocean eyes; and that kiss he laid on me. Somehow, the ghost of our one kiss burned my lips as if reminding me of what I truly wanted.
Good luck, Miranda,I could almost hear him taunt in my head.Think he can help you have fun?
I shifted in my seat as hot liquid pooled in my lower belly.
"Are you alright?" Jim asked.
"Uh, yeah, sorry, I'm just a little distracted today."
Instead of getting offended, he leaned his elbows on the table and laced his fingers together. "Oh yeah? What's on your mind?"
It was a perfectly reasonable question. It was sincere and the right thing to say.
However, telling Jim I was counting down the minutes to when I could visit my crazy, feral god in the Grim Reaper's basement would not be an appropriate response.
"Work has been very intense lately," I supplied lamely. Jim didn't need to know I killed a guy to keep him from kissing me because I freaked out and worried I'd like it too much.
Or worse, that I was thinking I would have to do it again.
When the check came, I insisted on splitting, and Jim didn't protest.
His hand reached across the table, covering one of mine. "I really enjoyed this, Miranda. You are a beautiful, interesting woman, and I'd like to see you again."
The feel of his warm, dry palm on my hand should have been comforting. It should have felt good, like his words. But all I wanted to do was pull away. I somehow managed to keep it there on the table, stiff as a board under his.
"Thank you, Jim. That's very nice of you, but I don't think that would be a good idea. You are very nice yourself, but I don't feel that...spark. You know?"
It was like a switch flipped inside him. His warm brown eyes suddenly became cold and distant. His hand retreated.
Before I could take a breath of relief, he pushed away from the table and stood up abruptly. "Women," he muttered, shaking his head as he grabbed his coat off the back of his seat. "Never knowing a good thing when it's in front of them."
And with that, he turned and stormed out of the restaurant without another word.
I sat there for what felt like an eternity, stunned at what had just happened. Xander might be crazy and unpredictable, but at least I knew it.
