Ted pulls me back to him, sitting up against the bed. To avoid letting him see me, I bury my face in my arm as a buffer between us, so I don’t get him anymore damp with my cry juices.
“Where are you going?”
Between sobs, I say, “I’m puffy, and snot’s coming out of my nose. I don’t want you to see.”
Ted grabs a corner of his sheets and pushes it between me and my arm, forcibly wiping my face.
“Stop,” I complain. “I’m ruining your sheets.”
His body rumbles under me as he lets out a deep, low laugh. “Well, that may have already happened.”
I smack him in the chest as my cheeks burn.
“But I have more than enough sheets to wipe your tears, cream puff.” Then in a more sincere tone he says, “And you’re right. I feel I shouldn’t pile my baggage on you, but I’ll fucking eat up the sweetness you give me. You are the kindest, loveliest, purest woman I’ve ever met.”
I try to twist away, but he grabs my hips and slides me over on the bed, even closer to him.
“Don’t say that.” I protest. “I haven’t had to go through anything like that. I’m just some ditzy flake who can’t figure her shit out and has been so boy crazy for so long because she can’t handle her own stuff.”
A thundercloud moves in over his face, and I swear I see lightning ignite in his eyes. “Who the hell told you that?”
“What? No one.” I am still trying to wriggle away so I can go clean my face, collect myself, keep myself from spilling all my guts out to this perfect, lovely, strong man.
Ted sits up, bringing our faces close together. His fingers frame either side of my jawline to keep me focused on him.
“Someone must have told you that bullshit. I’m guessing one of these fucks with poor self-esteem who thought for one second they were worthy of your sunshine before trying to blot it out because you only illuminated how shitty they truly are.”
I lose the ability to move my tongue for a moment. Cinder and Red have been trying to convince me of exactly what Ted just articulated. Why has it been so hard for me to believe them, but hearing it come from Ted’s mouth penetrates the core of my being until the words lodge themselves between my ribs.
It either makes me a shitty friend who doesn’t value her friends opinion, or only proves the point that I am an empty-headed ditz who needs the validation of a man.
Stinging pierces the backs of my eyes.
“What? What’s happening in there? Don’t hold back on me now, blondie.”
“I—I—”
I don’t deserve you.
Chapter32
The Summer Of Aunt Astrid
GOLDIE
The realization is profound and a first. I usually knew when the men I was with were acting shitty, but from my high horse I believed I could fix them. But Ted is perfect. A million times better than me, and I don’t deserve him. It makes something deep inside me ache.
His thumbs stroke the side of my face, still not letting me go. “Who? Who made you feel you weren’t enough?”
The second he asks it, a trauma I buried breaches the surface. I’m usually so good about facing the messy parts of life with full acceptance, but I want to push this down and stomp on it until it’s dust.
The truth is, this darkness has been rising for weeks. It started with returning to my aunt’s house, then the way men have been lusting after me, the way women shoot me blatant looks of disdain. As if I was trying to do all this.
Something lights up in Ted’s face and I realize I’ve given myself away.
“Who?” he presses again, before leaning in and laying the sweetest, most tender kiss at the corner of my lips.
I shut my eyes because I may crumble into dust at the sensation. I say it to get it out there quickly. Because it’s nothing really. Hardly a thing at all.
