I realized he was going to say no, so I pulled away from under his arm and turned to look at him. “Don’t you want me like that?” Then, “Wait, you’ve not been with a guy before?”
He shook his head. “It’s not that. Well actually, you’re half right. I’ve done other things with men a few times before I met Cait, but never anal. Not thatthat’snew to me.” The implied “if you must know” was clear in his expression.
The hurt made my stomach roll. “So you’re just not that into me, then?”
Law took my free hand. “I am. Into you, I mean. But I don’t want to think you have to do something—”
“No.” I shut him down immediately. “Ihavefelt like that before. Trust me when I say I’ve done things a couple of times without really wanting to, just because I thought I had to. I know for a fact that you’d never expect anything from me and would never make me do anything I didn’t want.”
“But someone did?” He looked serious. Also a bit murdery, which was kind of hot.
I put my wineglass on the coffee table and then my hand on his thigh. “Yes. But I’m not here to talk about that.”
He looked amused. “What are you here for, then?”
I leaned close to his ear and whispered, “I was a good boy today, and I think I deserve a reward.”
He immediately leaned away.Sonot how I thought the words would affect him.
“Oak, this is not and never will be a transactional thing,” he said, sounding worried.
I felt like facepalming, but then I also got pissed off. “Law, how young do you think I am? How naïve? Of course it’s fucking not transactional!” I hissed the words at him, because otherwise I would’ve raised my voice.
“No, I know—”
“Do you?” I moved so I wasn’t touching him anymore. “Why would you even say something like that?”
I was younger and less experienced in various things, but I wasn’t that naïve. He wasn’t some older man trying to take advantage. Hell, at this point it felt as ifIwas the one trying to take advantage of him.
“You’re making me feel like I’m the one trying to take advantage of you,” I blurted out. “Do you have any idea how dirty that makes me feel?”
My skin crawled at the idea of forcing him to do something he didn’t want. I got completely off the couch and paced in front of the fire, the small flames warming me with every pass.
“Oak–”
I lifted my hand and stopped walking, then faced him. “If I was your actual boyfriend, wouldn’t it be totally fine if I was playfully asking for dick at the end of a long day because I’d gotten through it? Wouldn’t it be a funny joke?”
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Of course it would be—”
“Yeah. So I guess this is just proof of how far from that I am.” I took a few steps to stand in front of him by the couch. “I don’t know why that feels shitty right now, but it does.” I licked mylips and crossed, then uncrossed my arms. “I’m not in the mood anymore.”
Then I walked to the door and pulled on my shoes. By the time I was putting on my coat, Law appeared in the hall and gave me a look I couldn’t read.
“Oak, wait. Talk to me. Don’t just run out.”
“No, thank you,” I said. I opened the door. He didn’t try to stop me again.
Just like I’d slipped inside the house, I left it, closing the door quietly behind me.
I wasn’t sure what was happening in my head, but I spent the next handful of days avoiding Law, and he didn’t seek me out, either.
I felt fragile every time I thought of him, and when I went to bed at night, I wondered if I hadn’t started to fall for him already. I could acknowledge that I was young and sometimes naïve, but not about this.
I knew very well what was at stake for him, but I also didn’t hold on to any illusions about us being more than fuck buddies while he waited for wife number two to show up. The fact that he was so damn adamant of doing everything right when I wanted him to let go and just take me when I asked him to made me feel both infantilized and as if I was trying to force him.
So, I stayed away.
Of course, it was impossible not to see him in passing, but the way I avoided him seemed to send a message and he didn’t try toapproach me. Or maybe he’d deemed me a child he didn’t want anything to do with anymore, who knows.
