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She sighs long and hard. “I’ve always thought of my future family as the end result—my reward to myself for avenging my mother’s death and putting all the darkness behind me. I never once considered taking a husband or having a child before the deed was done.”
“I see.” Things are happening out of order and she’s having a hard time dealing with how reality differs from the plan in her head.
“I thought I’d be healed—and normal—before I married and had a baby. How can I become someone’s mother when I’m still like this?”
“You’ll need to choose which is more important—your obsession with your mother’s killer or taking the only chance we may get at having our own children.”
“I want both.”
It’s impossible to have both right now. “Revenge will wait. Our family won’t.”
“Doesn’t it bother you that we’d be making the decision to do the IVF for the wrong reason?”
Bleu having our baby should never be called wrong. “The timing may be questionable, but never the reason.”
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I’m saying all the wrong things.”
It’s okay. I understand what she means. “We didn’t get the news we were anticipating. We thought we’d have plenty of time. Turns out we may not. No one can predict the future, not even these specialists. What I do know is that our baby will be wanted and loved like no other. In the end, isn’t that what matters most?”
“I feel like the most important events of my life have happened to suit a time frame that wasn’t my own. Infiltrating The Fellowship. Marrying you. Now, bringing a baby into the world sooner than I’d like because my ovary may not hold out.”
“And it’s worked out for the best every time.”
“Yes. But I’d like to do something without feeling cornered.”
Being pushed before she’s ready is the last thing I want her to feel. “We don’t have to make a decision today, nor should we. We need time to sort out our feelings and what proceeding means for our lives and marriage.”
“How long do we give it?”
Dr. Paschall said we shouldn’t wait long. “Let’s take the week to think it over and we’ll make our final decision after the wedding reception.” I think we need that off our plates when we return to this conversation again. “Agree?”
“Agreed.”
Seven days until Bleu and I make a decision that will ultimately change our lives forever. Choose wrong and we could spend the rest of our lives in regret.
Please. Let us not make the wrong decision.
Chapter Thirteen
Bleu Breckenridge
As agreed, I’ve taken this week to sort out my feelings about the IVF. There’s only one emotion not in question: I’m no less terrified than I was the day we left the clinic.
I wish I had one close friend or family member I could meet for coffee so I could pour my heart out. Sin’s the only one I can do that with and that makes for a problem.
I’ve never been a person who opens my heart to others about my personal issues. I’m content bottling my feelings but this situation is different. I have an intense need to talk to someone besides my husband. I need a woman’s opinion.
My friendships with Lorna and Westlyn are growing but neither is in a place where I feel comfortable talking about having a baby. And as much as I adore Isobel, this isn’t something I can discuss with her. I’m certain she’ll be in favor of a grandchild and an heir for The Fellowship.
It’s clear. I need my sister. But she’s more than four thousand miles away, so a phone call will have to do.
“Hello, bonny lass,” she says with the worst Scottish accent I’ve ever heard.
“That was horrible.”
“No way, dude. I’ve been practicing every day.”
We’re southern and have been our whole lives. It’s not something you can easily tone down. “I live among these people and hear it every day. Trust me when I say your execution sucks.”
“Then maybe I should come for a visit so I can improve. And check out some Scottie hotties.”
Not happening. She can never step foot in Edinburgh. But I can’t very well tell her that. “Sure thing. Come and we’ll do one of those tours across Scotland. There’s a whole lot I’ve still not seen. The Highlands. Loch Ness. A bazillion castles and villages. We can check it out together since Sin doesn’t give a rat’s ass about going with me.”
“I’ll take a look at the vacation requests at work to see what I can pull off.”
I think I can manage a visit as long as it’s not in Edinburgh. “You need to come during the summer when there’s plenty of sun. Winter is cold and dark. And sort of depressing.”
“I’m sure Sinclair’s keeping you warm, though, right? How is that new husband of yours?”
“Busy, as always.”
“He’s a newbie. I’m sure they have to earn their places within the firm. Isn’t that how it works?”
No. Not when they’re born into the role of top dog. But I can’t tell her that. “Yeah. Something like that.”
“How are you adjusting to Scotland? To married life? To everything?”
To my new residence? Fine.
To being a wife? Extraordinarily well.
To being the wife a leader of The Fellowship? As good as one could hope, considering.
To the prospect of becoming a mother soon? I have no idea.
“I think I’m handling it well …”
“But …?”
She knows me so well. “Sin and I saw a fertility specialist last week—a really good one. We got some news I wasn’t quite prepared to hear.”
“I’m so sorry, Bleu. I know how much you want to have babies.”
She’s assuming the news was bad. “No, Elli. It’s not what you’re thinking. My doctor says my ovary is in bad shape but my uterus looks good. He thinks I can become pregnant. He’s recommending we do another retrieval, this time with an embryo transfer.”
“Bleu! That’s wonderful!”
Did she hear the second part? “The embryo transfer means getting pregnant now instead of later.”
“I’m not confused about what that means. However, I’m a little puzzled about your lack of enthusiasm.”
“It’s not that I’m not happy. I am. It’s just so soon. We’ve only been married seven weeks.”
“Tell me why your doctor is recommending you do the transfer now.”
I relate what Dr. Paschall explained to us as worst-case scenario. It sounds so dire when I put it in my own words.
“This is what I’m hearing, Bleu. You have a husband who adores you. He wants babies with you so much that he’s paying God only knows how much for you to see one of the best fertility doctors in the world. This highly trained specialist’s job is to give you the best advice for how to conceive. He’s recommending you try now for the best results, instead of waiting. Did I get it all right?”
“Yes.”
It sounds so simple when I hear Ellison’s version. I look foolish for not jumping at the opportunity. Except I know the real reason behind my hesitation. My sister doesn’t.
“Then I’m failing to see the problem.”
It’s not her fault she can’t see my issues. I’m not giving her the whole story. It wasn’t fair of me to expect good advice when I can’t even be honest about why the timing is wrong for me.
“I’m just nervous about it coming so soon in our marriage. I thought we’d have time for the two of us before a baby came along.”
“Better early than never. Because never is a really long time.”
The word never is a powerful one. It has no mercy. It’s stern and doesn’t sway. Ever. It means exactly what it says. It sort of brings the whole thing full circle in my head.
The doorbell rings. Shit. It’s not even eleven and Isobel is already here. She’s early.
I sprint for the door, opening it and motioning for my mother-in-law to come in. I flip the phone upside down so my mouth isn’
t over the speaker. “I’m almost finished talking to Ellison. Just give me another minute.”
“No hurry. We have an hour until our appointments.”
That might be okay if I didn’t have to shower. That means I’ve gotta rush.
“Elli, tonight is the reception with Sin’s family so I’ve gotta run. I have a hair appointment.”
“I should be there,” she says.
True. Except I married into a band of criminals so she’ll never have a place among us. “I wish you could be.”
