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“They seemed cold and unfeeling. She needs parents who are warm and welcoming.”
I see no foundation behind the things Bleu is finding wrong with these couples. “You say these people were cold and the first husband and wife were too young. Which, by the way, they happen to be older than we are. You got an overall bad feeling about the second couple because you claim they didn’t smile enough. You’re going to find something wrong with anyone who wants her.”
“Choosing a family for Lourdes is an enormous responsibility that I accepted. Getting it wrong means we sentence her to an unhappy life. Nothing is wrong with being picky on her behalf. Think of it as me trying to make a good match for her, only with parents.”
“None of these couples are going to mistreat her. They’re all very well aware they’ll have me to answer to if they do.”
“They’ll have to answer to me as well because I can’t let anyone have her without watching their every move.”
I’m not sure when Bleu thinks she’ll have time to be a social worker since she’ll soon have her own babies keeping her busy.
“Let’s hope this last couple is the right family for her.”
Agnes appears at my office door. “The last couple is here.”
“Thank you. You can show them back.”
Bringing Agnes out to help Bleu with the house was one of the better decisions I’ve made. She has been more assistance than we could’ve imagined with caring for Lourdes.
Our last couple of the day arrives. Like the others we’ve interviewed today, I’ve known Josh and Rachel Glenn my entire life. They’re good people and would love Lourdes as their own. I’m sure of it.
“You’ve met my wife Bleu?”
“Yes. We met at the initiation ceremony,” Josh says.
“And I’m in your women’s self-defense class on Tuesdays.” Good. Maybe that means Bleu has some kind of relationship with Rachel.
“Of course I remember you. You signed up for the beginner Muay Thai class as well.”
“I did, and I am very excited about it. Have you found an instructor yet?”
“I’m interviewing with a master next week. I’m hoping he’ll be a good fit for our group. I want a male instructor with a larger build so the women can gain hands-on experience with fighting against a larger assailant.”
“That’s smart. You make it sound like so much fun. I’m eager to get started.”
The meeting with Josh and Rachel goes perfectly. Far better than the first three so I’m wondering what in the world Bleu can find wrong with them. “I think that’s all the questions we have. Can you think of anything else?”
Bleu shakes her head, saying nothing.
“We’ll be in touch after we make a decision.”
Bleu trails behind to see them out. “Thank you for coming. I’ll see you on Tuesday night.”
I wait until they’re gone to say anything. “That was unquestionably a better interview than the others, don’t you agree?”
“It was, but I’m still not sure they’d be right.”
“What could you have possibly found wrong with them?”
She shrugs, saying nothing.
“They’re perfect, Bleu. Mature. Stable. They clearly want a child.”
“I can’t argue that. They are all of those things.”
“They would love Lourdes, so what is wrong?”
“They aren’t us.”
I knew this would happen. “I understand that you care deeply for Lourdes but we can’t keep her. We have two more that will be here soon. Three is too many.”
“You aren’t saying anything I’m not already aware of but I don’t know how to let her go.”
“You do it because you love her and want the best for her.”
“I do. But what if I think we’re best for her?”
Bleu has no idea what she’d be setting herself up for. “You can’t take on raising a third baby when you don’t yet know what it is to mother two.”
Her jaw is set. She’s ready to argue. “I’ve been taking care of her all week. I know it won’t be easy to split myself three ways, but I’m not afraid of the challenge. I’m much more fearful of what letting her go will feel like.”
“You’re letting your heart dictate your actions. You have to use your head on this.”
“I am listening to what my heart is telling me. I’m not ignorant to what keeping Lourdes means. It’ll be difficult but not impossible. I’m certain giving her away will be much harder.”
Bleu acts as though we’re throwing her away. We’re not. We’d be entrusting her to a family who will love and cherish her. “She’ll be adopted by a good family within our circle who will raise her with love. She’ll remain within our family. You’ll be able to watch over her.”
“I don’t want to watch over her from afar. I want to be her mother.”
“You’re going to be a mother to our two babies. Let a woman without a chance have this opportunity.” It’s the only right thing to do.
“I’m very aware of how selfish I’m being. Keeping her means I’m taking another woman’s chance at being her mother. I should be ashamed of that, but I’m not.”
Keeping her will have an impact on our children. Our marriage. She’ll be another person I have to share Bleu with. I’m not sure I can do it.
“We don’t have to make this decision right now. Our day before the judge isn’t scheduled until October.”
The twins will be here by then and she’ll have a full taste of what it’ll be like to care for three newborns at once. This situation will likely fix itself.
She comes to me and puts her arms around my neck. She rises on tiptoes and presses a kiss to my lips. “I understand you aren’t saying yes, but thank you for not saying no.”
“I always want to give you everything you want but I don’t know if I can give in on this.”
“A week isn’t long enough to make this kind of commitment. Let’s give it time. I’m confident that the right answer will come to us.”
“You are going to be a wonderful mother.” It’s so apparent in the way she cares for Lourdes.
“I love you.” She rises again, this time kissing the side of my neck. “She’s asleep. We should have at least thirty minutes before she wakes for her next feeding.”
She tugs on my hands. “Come to the bedroom with me.”
I’d better take her up on her offer at every opportunity. I’m not sure there will be many of them after the babies get here. “How could I possibly decline such an attractive invitation?”
* * *
Four more weeks under the pregnancy belt. Judging by the size of Bleu’s belly, the babies have grown a ton this month. She looks like she might pop any minute.
The complications associated with twins are rearing their ugly heads. Borderline blood sugars. Rising blood pressure. Lots of Braxton Hicks whenever she’s active. Luckily, the contractions aren’t enough to send her into preterm labor but who knows when that could change? All of these things combined were enough to convince Dr. Kerr that Bleu needs to be on modified bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy.
A one-month-old does not understand the concept of bed rest.
The majority of Lourdes’s care should have fallen to my shoulders when Bleu was put to bed but I’m not here all the time. Hell, I’m not even here half the time. Changes are happening within The Fellowship and our alliance with The Guild. I’m expected to oversee that.
We’ve been forced to hire Agnes as a nanny in addition to housekeeping. It’s working out, but she can’t be here twenty-four/seven. Lourdes requires care around the clock so my mum comes to help Bleu when Agnes is off.
I don’t have a fucking clue how we’re managing to make this work, but we are. For now.
I meet my mother in the living room when I come into the house.
“Thank God you’re back.”
I was only gone two days. “Something wrong?”
“Everything’s fine. I just can’t help
myself from worrying about you more now that you have a family. All went well this trip to Dublin?”
“Aye. We negotiated the takeover for October.”
Three months and The Order will cease to exist. It won’t come a moment too soon. “The Guild understood that I couldn’t agree to anything earlier since the babies are due in September.”
“You and I both know she’ll never make it that long.”
I’m hopeful she’ll last another six weeks so the babies won’t have to be admitted to the neonatal intensive care unit. But I can’t lie. The blood sugars. The blood pressure. The Braxton Hicks contractions. All of it worries me.
“How is she?”
“Fine. She had me put Lourdes in bed with her about twenty minutes ago. They’re both sleeping.”
My mum and I haven’t had a chance to discuss the newest addition to our household. “Bleu is utterly in love with Lourdes.”
I say her name and even my mum lights up. “I can’t say I blame her. She’s pretty easy to love.”
“Bleu wants to adopt her. That’s crazy, right? Taking on a baby who doesn’t belong to us when we have two of our own on the way?”
“I think Bleu feels complete for the first time in her life. She finally has the ability to nurture. That’s what she wants to do.”
