I shrug and continue picking at my jeans. “You’re not going to want to hear this, but James was really social. He loved going to parties and hanging out with people, especially if it was with the guys on the baseball team.”
“Of course he was.” Felix groans at the ceiling, then peers over at me. “How do you know so much about him anyway?”
My heart leaps into my throat, making it difficult to swallow. I know I should tell him, but the idea of Felix knowing what James and I were throws me into a panic. I know he’s fine with me being bisexual, but it’s different when it’s his body I’ve been intimate with.Does it really matter? It was James’s secret, not mine, and even if Felix looks like James, he isn’t him.
Deciding to go with half-truths, I answer, “We had a few classes together, and I talked with him sometimes at parties.”
He nods, accepting it at face value, because why wouldn’t he? I’m one of his best friends, and as far as he knows, I’d have no reason to lie. Guilt twists into an ugly knot within me, weighing me down, but I do my best to hide it from my face.
Unaware, Felix lobs another dose of guilt at me when he whispers, “You’re the only person I feel safe complaining to.” He clears his throat. “I don’t want Callie to think I’m ungrateful or she did something wrong in helping me. K and D were against it from the beginning, and though Connor is a good person to talk at, he’s not really forthcoming with useful advice.”
“Glad I could help,” I answer quietly. “I’m here for you, man.”
“I know.” There’s a hint of a smile in his voice.
He shifts onto his side so he can look at me, his head propped up on one hand. It’s such a familiar pose that it takes the air from my lungs. James lay the same way when he talked to me about whatever was running through his head at the time.
Felix frowns. “You okay, man?”
“Fine.” I nod like a bobblehead, trying to convince myself as much as him. “I’m really happy you’re back.”
“Aww, you missed me,” he teases without malice and knee crawls over to give me a bear hug from the side. “I missed you too. I know we were together all the time, but it wasn’t the same, ya know?”
“Yeah, I really do,” I answer with a half-smile and give his forearm a hard squeeze in response to the hug that almost hurts.
He releases me but keeps his chin resting on my shoulder. The scent of his nearness has my mouth watering, the proximity to familiar prey awakening the darker, hungry part of me. I grit my teeth to keep from doing something stupid and hope Felix doesn’t have any lingering side effects of all the times I fed from James. Callie will be here Friday. I can make it until then. A queer, fluttery sensation runs through me as I think of her. That’s another complicated relationship I don’t know how to handle anymore.
Unaware of how close he is to becoming an early dinner, Felix asks, “Can I get your advice on something?”
“Sure, dude,” I reply as casually as one can through gritted teeth.
Fortunately, he’s lost in whatever is bothering him, so he doesn’t notice. “How do you break up with someone?”
I release a deep breath, attempting to relax my body. With sympathy, I inquire, “Bree?”
“Yeah.” He sighs and shifts to sit next to me. “I’m notherJames, and it’s unfair to her to stay in this relationship.”
“And you’re in love with Callie,” I add, getting to the true heart of the matter, even though my chest hurts as I say the words. It’s my own little reminder that to try to be more with Callie would hurt them both.
Felix hunches his shoulders and stares at his feet, a blush crawling up his neck and cheeks. “It’s that obvious, huh?”
A bark of laughter escapes me. “The only way to be more obvious would be a billboard announcing it on Main Street.”
He winces. “So you think Callie knows?”
“Would it be so bad if she did?” I question gently, the pain in my chest blooming throughout my body. It feels like I’m giving away something that is fundamental to me, but in truth, she’s not mine and never will be. It’s better this way. “I think she has feelings for you too.”
He looks surprised, but also elated. A smile that has the energy of an excited puppy takes over his features. “You think so? I mean, I thought maybe she might, but now with me being James, she might not feel the same. Or maybe it was like a friend fondness thing. I get that a lot.”
Patting him on the shoulder, I chuckle at how no matter how much he looks like James, the mile-a-minute way he talks is all Felix. “No, I don’t think it’s only a friend fondness, and I doubt looking like James is hurting your chances.”
He frowns, his fingers tapping out a nervous beat on his thighs. “I’m not sure if the fact she might like me more because I look like James is better or worse.”
“It is what it is,” I state with a sigh, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees and hands dangling. “You can’t go back. This is the way you look now, but at your core, you’re stillyou.I think that’s what matters most to Callie.”
His eyes grow soft, and he chews on his bottom lip. “You’re right.” He looks at me thoughtfully, his brows furrowing. “But what about you?”
“What about me?” I ask with a carefully blank expression.
