I’m far from fine. Despite my placid walls holding up Perfect Kaleb, inside my heart is this aching, beaten thing doing its best to continue thumping blood through my veins. What I’ve answered flippantly echoes like the gong of a death knell.It’s over now.
“Dude, I’ve seen you dodge akatanatrying to slice your guts open. Today, you were beaned in the head with a baseball you already had your mitt up to catch. You arenotfine,” Felix argues, crossing his arms over his chest and giving me a stern look, or as much as one can be with a smirk attached to it. “You make everyone else talk abouttheirproblems. It’s your turn. Now, I know this is new to you, so I promise to be gentle.”
Pursing my lips, I give him some hard side-eye and then explain the night before as concisely as possible. “Callie wanted to attempt a healing spell she was working on. I agreed to be her test subject. The spell was overly strong, causing me to act… differently. While under the influence of the spell, she informed me of her relationships with Connor, Donovan, andyou.I took the news poorly.”
“You turned her down, I take it,” he deduces, looking completely unfazed by the concept of Callie wanting to datemorepeople.
“Out of all of what I just said, that’s what you fixate on?” I complain, trying not to grind my teeth.
“Oh, we’ll get to howdifferentlyyou acted. That’s definitely going to be a fun story.” He chuckles, earning another annoyed glare, which he ignores. “It’s obvious that the root of your problem is turning Callie down when you’re just as much in love with her as the rest of us.”
“You weren’t even there and have no idea what I said and did. What makes you so sure?” I counter defensively, not bothering to deny my feelings for Callie because there’s no point to it now. The muscles in my shoulders start to grow tight from the stress of this discussion, and I shift uncomfortably in my seat.
If matters weren’t bad enough, there’s a boom of thunder off in the distance announcing the arrival of thick rain clouds. What’s better than being stuck in the car while having an awkward conversation? Being stuck in the car having an awkward conversation while it’s pouring rain outside.
After the rippling sound of thunder passes, Felix shoots through all of my defenses with a single suggestion. “Imagine how you’d feel about last night if it ended with you agreeing to be her boyfriend instead.”
Bits of the night before come back in more clarity, as I irritatingly acknowledge that he may have a point. Callie didn’t seem as perturbed with my actions as she was concerned by them, because I wasn’t in full control of my faculties. It’s embarrassing, but nothing I said would be too damaging to know if I was romantically involved with her. Ignoring my feelings about her dating my friends, I realize that if the night had ended when we professed our love, it would be an embarrassing anecdote rather than the devastating loss it is now.
“I’m going to take all of that silence as your agreement that I’m right,” he comments with a smug quirk of his lips. “Take my advice. Apologize for acting stupid and say yes. You literally have nothing to lose.”
“How are you so okay with all this?” I ask, my genuine confusion taking over my features.
The rain starts coming down in giant wet splats against the windshield, and before Felix can answer, his phone buzzes in his backpack. Taking it out, he checks the messages and laughs. “In case you were wondering, the rain isn’t Callie’s fault. So whatever you did, she isn’t‘destroy the town’upset by it.”
“I don’t know how I should take that,” I reply flatly, finally turning onto the street that will lead to my house.
He shrugs and ignores my statement to answer my earlier question. “The way I look at it, Callie lived a lot of years feeling alone and unloved. Now that she’s finally safe, she deserves all the love and happiness she can get. If she can find it inside her to love all of us—and we’re not the easiest to love, well, I am, but the rest of you are hot messes—then why not give in to what we already feel and love her back?”
“That’s all well and good in theory,” I respond, feeling more comfortable when sliding into the abstract instead of my actual feelings. “However, relationships demand a lot of a person, and jealousy is very real if someone feels their needs aren’t being met.”
“Which we would talk about so that doesn’t happen. You love talking about everyone’s feelings… well, except, apparently, your own. Wow, I never noticed how much you and D are alike when it comes to that,” Felix observes, tilting his head to the side as if that will somehow show this missing facet of myself that he’s only now discovering.
“You take that back,” I insist tersely.
“You’re right. D already said yes, so he must have worked through his dating issues with Callie already.” Then, in a loud stage-whisper, he taunts, “Which means, at this moment, D’s worked through more of his stuff than you have.”
“I can rip your soul from your body and throw you into the celestial realm,” I remind him coolly while pulling up to the curb in front of my house.
He aims saucer-wide eyes at me. “Damn, Kaleb. You’re brutal.” He shifts in his seat, and as he stares through the window at the sheets of rain, he murmurs, “It’s up to you what you do, but instead of thinking about all the ways it can’t work, maybe consider all the things you get by trying to make it work.”
“Fine, I’ll think about it.” I sigh, feeling worn out by what a monumental task he’s asking of me—to shine a light on and face all of my insecurities. All for the chance toshareCallie. What do I have to lose?How about all of me.
“Great! Now that we’ve talked all that out, I need some advice,” he announces with an apprehensive smile.
Not really excited about where this might be going, with one brow raised, I ask, “What about?”
“Well… the thing is, I’ve never been a boyfriend before, and you’re the only person I know who has had something that resembles a good relationship.” He turns with his hands grasped in a prayer position. “Help me, Obi Wan, you’re my only hope.”
Only Felix would have the right balance of innocence and guts to ask such a thing after what we just discussed, and I can’t really deny him when, in any other circumstance, I’d gladly give him advice. It’s a bittersweet feeling. One part of me wants to help my best friend impress the girl he’s in love with, and the other part is full of aching pain because I’m in love with her too.
With a sigh, I relinquish myself to this in-between and reply, “Okay, Felix. What do you want to know?”
Chapter 17
Nolan
Ever since the incident in the garage, Callie and I have been tiptoeing around each other. We’ve spent weeks being polite but distant, and I know it’s my fault. Donovan was annoyingly right when it comes to my issues with her—they really don’t have anything to do with her. What he didn’t seem to understand was that I already knew. The problem has always been me. My trauma. My fear. My lack of self-control. And the closer she and I become, the harder it is to hide it.
