Felix
Sitting at the table in the kitchenette portion of Nolan’s suite, I label Nolan’s five-subject notebook in neat, block letters. There’s something soothing about preparing brand-new school supplies for the first day of school. It’s like hitting a reset button on my life. A new year, a chance to be a new me or, in my case, a chance to decide who I’m going to be. I’ve straddled the line of honoring James’s old life and making this new life my own. It’s time to take charge and go after what I want my life to look like. My stomach churns with anxious energy as my mind circles around the fact that to get what I want, I have to have an awkward conversation with Nolan first.
As if summoned by my anxiety-addled brain, Nolan comes sweeping in, shouting over his shoulder that he really doesn’t need anything and he feels fine before closing the door. He leans against it, closes his eyes, and sighs.
“Rough day?” I ask with a hint of a smirk.
“Rough summer,” he replies, scrubbing his face with both hands. “I’m healthy now. I don’t understand why they can’t see that.”
Finished with the labeling, I slip the notebook into his messenger bag and start to fill out the calendar in his planner. “Dude, you were dying, and there was nothing they could really do. It makes sense that they are being overly cautious now.” I check the email about our block scheduling to make sure I have it listed correctly. “Especially when they don’t truly understand how powerful Callie is—the whole she can bring people back from the dead thing being a secret and all.”
“I know… It’s just hard to live with. I don’t know how I can make it any clearer that it’s over now.” He throws his hands up in the air in frustration. “Curse lifted. We can all get back to normal now.” With long, purposeful strides, he makes his way over to the table, commenting, “I can’t believe I’m looking forward to school.” Noticing what I’m doing, he tilts his head to the side and furrows his eyebrows. “Why are you filling out my calendar? I can do it myself. Again, no longer an invalid.”
“I know you can,” I insist, finishing up the month I’m working on. “I just needed something to do with my hands.”
Nolan pulls out the chair next to me and sits down, concern etched in his arctic blue eyes and sharp features. “Not that you ever need a reason to visit, but considering you chose to organize and label my school supplies over video games, I’m guessing you aren’t here just to hang out.” His gaze shifts to the pen I’m clicking in rapid succession. “Nervous?”
“What?” I squeak and put the pen down. My knee instantly starts bouncing.
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. Nolan is one of my best friends. There’s no reason to be nervous, but I can’t seem to help it. There’s so much that hasn’t been said—the history between him and James, whose body I now inhabit forstarters. That history is going to make the favor I need all the more uncomfortable.
Rubbing my sweaty palms on my jeans, I do my best to look at him. My eyes first fall to his mouth, which I decide is not the best place to rest my gaze, then shift to his forehead. Nothing odd about looking at a friend’s forehead.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there when Callie removed the curse,” I blurt, my voice thin. “I’m sure it was really scary, and I wasn’t there to support you.”
“It’s fine,” Nolan replies slowly, clearly confused over why I would apologize for something we both know would have been impossible. “Felix, the witches would have wiped your memory of everything you saw and more the minute they noticed you.”
“Because I’m the dumb human who has to pretend not to know anything about the supernatural,” I respond more sourly than I mean to. With my elbows resting on the table, I drop my face into my hands and sigh. “I know it’s selfish, but I’m tired of it. I hate that I keep missing out on things because we can’t risk my memories being wiped.”
Nolan’s chair creaks as he shifts his body to face me, and his voice grows soft with sympathy. “I know it’s hard, but there isn’t a lot that can be done about it. It’s how it has to be to keep you asyou.”
“Not if you make me a thrall,” I state, and then my breath freezes in my chest as I wait for his response.
“That’s… true,” he responds, his tone a combination of surprise and caution. “Is that what you want? For me to make you a thrall?”
My heart rattles at a thousand beats per second, but I scrounge up all my courage to sit up and meet his gaze. “To bewith all of you—to be a full part of your lives—yes. It’s a trade-off I’m willing to make. I know your history with James probably makes this a really hard ask, but will you do it?”
A medley of emotions fights for dominance on his face—shock, guilt, concern, apprehension—and he reflexively crosses his arms over his chest. “What history are you talking about?”
I stare at him for a moment, frustration rising inside me that he may try to dodge this conversation, and then I say, “Dave told me about you two. Apparently, James confided in him about his feelings for you.”
Nolan scoffs dismissively. “That’s interesting, considering he was the one who stopped talking to me.” His eyes widen when he realizes his comment confirms Dave’s story.
Putting my bruised pride aside concerning Nolan lying by omission, I take in how hard this whole thing with me in James’s body must be for him. “Did you have feelings for him?”
He shakes his head, guilt tugging his mouth into a frown. “Not like what you’re implying.” He reaches out and traces the grain of the table with his fingertips. “He was good-looking, curious about his sexuality, and had a decent personality.” His fingers curl, and his gaze shifts to the floor to ceiling windows in the sitting room. It takes him a moment to continue, his voice more distant and detached. “We gave each other what the other needed. It was fine for a while. We weren’t anything serious, except he started wanting more of my time, but only if no one knew we were together. I got tired of pretending… of being his dirty secret. It wasn’t like I wanted us to be boyfriends or something, just wanted him to acknowledge that we know each other more than just classmates. He got scared and stopped talking to me altogether.”
“What an asshole,” I exclaim, slamming my fist against the table. “You’re awesome. He was lucky thatyoueven considered acknowledginghisexistence. Not the other way around.”
A half-hearted smile tugs at the edge of Nolan’s mouth. “Thanks.”
“I mean it.” Placing my hand on his shoulder, I give it a squeeze. “Seriously, it was his loss. What he did wasn’t about you. It isn’t your fault he got scared.”
Nolan’s eyes meet mine and then focus back on the window. “I know. It was better in the long run anyway.”
I assume he means how he didn’t like feeding from the same person for too long. Ironic, considering what I’m asking now. Watching his face, I ask, “Why keep this from me?”
He sniffs, straightens his spine, and turns his attention back to me. His tone is lighter and dismissive as he tries to sap his deeper emotions from the truth. “It was better to leave the past in the past. You aren’t James, and you were already taking on so much of his life. There was no reason to confuse you more by grappling with whatever he and I were to each other.”
