He had a flash, a vision of them in the future, seated across from one another over the breakfast table, sharing meaningful glances as they remembered the passion from the night before. He would have spent the night in her arms instead of sneaking from her bed before dawn, would have woken to find her curled warm and soft against him instead of opening his eyes to the cold loneliness of his borrowed room.
And he wanted that, more than he had ever wanted anything before.
An ache started up in his chest, the need for that possible future squeezing until he could hardly breathe.
He could ask her to be his wife, bring her back to Boston, set up a household.
Have a family.
He drew in a deep, unsteady breath as the idea flashed hot and desperate through his mind. No, he had never wanted a family. It was the one thing he had known with certainty all these long years that hedidn’twant.
And yet it did not seem to be a new need, but something dredged up from the very depths of his soul. Had it been in him all this time then? A foolish question, perhaps; he saw with painful clarity it had been.
For so long it had been just he and his mother. They had been everything to one another. When he had lost her, he had lost the safety and security of knowing he was loved, that he was part of a family.
And he had not wanted it again. Not with Lady Tesh, not even with Quincy, or Captain Adams and his brood, though they had all been more than willing to accept him with open arms. Every one of them had treated him like family, had let him know what he meant to them.
Yet he had kept every single person at arm’s length, not wanting the pain of loss to destroy him again. Even Quincy, who had saved his life on more than one occasion, who was closer to him than anyone else had been since his mother’s death. And so it had been easy to make the decision to remain unwed and childless in order to thwart Dane and destroy the family line. He never imagined that anyone could breach the walls he had put about himself.
Until Lenora.
Now that future he had planned seemed cold and lonely. He could not imagine life without Lenora in it, bringing light and love such as he had never felt.
He froze, his cup halfway to his lips. Love? Where the devil had that come from? Surely he didn’t love Lenora. He cared for her, of course. But love was beyond him, his heart too petrified for that soft emotion.
But as warmth spread through him, like a spring sun melting the frost of winter, he knew deep down he was fooling himself. He loved Lenora. He sucked in a breath, stunned, as the realization coursed through him.
Dropping his cup to the table with a clatter, he shoved his seat back and rose. The pleasant chatter that had filled the room stopped abruptly, every eye turned to him in shock.
“Peter, you’re pale as a sheet,” Margery said, her brows turning down in worry. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” he said, perhaps a touch louder than he’d intended, for Margery’s eyebrows flew up her forehead. He tried to focus on her and not Lenora. He needed to clear his head, but he knew if he caught sight of that sweet face, it would be impossible to leave.
“I’m going for a ride,” he said.
Quincy stood. “I’ll go with you.”
“No.” Again his voice carried through the room, startling its inhabitants. And now, dash it all, Quincy looked suspicious. As well he might, for he was acting like a madman.
“That is,” he continued, trying for a more normal tone of voice, “I need to clear my head. After last night.”
Which was as true as he could make it without telling his friend exactly what part of last night had him so out of sorts.
Quincy, however, wasn’t fooled. “If you’re certain,” he said, his voice dubious.
“Of course I am.”
When Quincy, after a pause, finally lowered himself to his seat and nodded, Peter turned to go.
“You’ll be back in time for dinner, won’t you?”
That voice. It skidded down his spine, washed over him, sending heat to every part of his body. Finally he looked at her. Her expression was tight with concern. The flush that had so worried Margery was still there, staining her cheeks a becoming pink. As he watched, it darkened and spread down over her neck, toward the high bodice of her gown. For a split second, he faltered, nearly returning to his seat so he didn’t have to spend a moment away from her.
No.He had to think, and he couldn’t do that when she was near. “Yes,” he replied, “I’ll be back for dinner.”
Her features noticeably relaxed, a small smile lighting her face. A jolt of desire rushed him, so intense it took his breath.
Before he could rethink matters, he spun about and hurried from the room as fast as he could manage.
