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“Good girl,” he smiled, before kissing me again. I melted into him, his warm kiss so tender and soft.
I pulled away with a reluctant moan.
“Go,” I whispered, pushing him away. He winked and turned, walking out of the door and closing it behind him.
I stood, looking at the closed door, taking a deep breath and saying a silent wish that he didn’t hurt too much today.
I longed for the old days, and by old days, I mean the days before Bruce’s death, when we were happy, when this heaviness wasn’t pulling us down…and I immediately felt guilty.
Bruce was dead. I shouldn’t be thinking of myself.
I still couldn’t believe it. The medical examiner ruled it a suicide but Bear was having a hard time believing it. He was sure Bruce would never do something like that and he knew him better than anyone. Bear had insisted the cops do a complete investigation, but they concluded that without some other evidence, to which they’d found none, there was no other explanation.
I think that was what Bear was having the hardest time coming to terms with. He didn’t believe his best friend would kill himself, he didn’t believe the cops, and yet he was helpless.
Without evidence, he had no choice but to accept what the police said and he didn’t seem able to do that just yet.
Time, I reminded myself as I turned from the front door and went to make a cup of coffee—decaf now.
They say time heals all wounds. No matter what, Bruce was gone. Nothing would change that. But maybe, in time, Bear would come to accept that he was gone and be able to move on.
Going back to work was a good start. I was glad Mom was there. She’d been surprisingly incredible throughout this entire nightmare. She’d taken the reigns at the company, working overtime to do both her job and Bear’s, insisting she had everything covered so he could take the time he needed.
I’d never been more grateful to her.
Even though she didn’t have much spare time, she’d been sending me package after package of baby stuff. I was pretty sure she was up shopping online when she was supposed to be sleeping but her enthusiasm warmed my heart.
I hadn’t spent much time alone since Bruce died. We’d retreated to the penthouse right away, rarely leaving. Other than when I was asleep, Bear was right there with his pain.
It felt odd being here alone now. The silence was too much, so I turned on some Chopín as I enjoyed my coffee. I walked out to the terrace, the music floating out behind me. It was a brisk, sunny morning and from all the way up here, I felt like I was on top of the city.
I remembered the first time I saw this view, the nervousness I’d felt being here. The way I’d been so intimidated and afraid of what was to come.
Never in a million years could I have imagined what really happened. It felt like so much time had passed, and yet, it was not long at all.
I reached down, my hand resting on my belly, a habit that I’d quickly developed. I took a deep breath, breathing in the cold air, and then another. I wanted to cleanse myself, lift myself up and ground myself all at the same time. Another breath, followed by a long slow exhale and I finally felt my shoulders relax. I pressed my hand against my belly, closing my eyes and feeling the peaceful connection.
A child.
In the beginning, starting that night in the hospital, I’d been so freaked out, so worried, so unsure if I would know how to take care of a baby. All I needed was for Bear to remind me that Matilda had pulled it off, alone at that, and that if I turned out okay, which the jury was still out on, then maybe I could learn to take care of her.
I’d slowly come to believe that myself.
I was only ten weeks pregnant.
Only three months had passed since I’d first gotten involved with Bear. That first day at lunch in Portland, where he’d basically claimed me as his own and I’d just gone along with it like some naive little puppet, hadn’t been long ago. I cringed when I thought about it now, but I was glad I’d done what I’d done.
I was glad I’d done what he’d said.
I was glad that even though I was taking my birth control pills every day faithfully, I’d still gotten pregnant.
I didn’t plan any of the crazy things that happened.
But if none of that had happened, I wouldn’t be here right now.
And there was no place in the entire world I would rather be, than right here, right now.
I wished things were different, sure.
I wished Bruce wasn’t dead.
I wished Bear wasn’t hurting the way he was.
But other than that, I wouldn’t change a thing.
I was glad we were getting married. I was glad I was pregnant.
I didn’t care that it was so fast, as everyone would surely say. But who was everyone? I didn’t have many friends or family, so I didn’t really care what anyone thought. Let them think whatever they want.
It was what I thought that mattered, what I felt, and what I knew in my heart, and more than anything, I knew this was love.
Pure, true love.
It was all meant to be.
All of it.
That’s what I kept reminding myself and that’s what gave me strength.
That—and this little being growing inside of me.
“You’re going to have a wonderful life,” I said to her. I turned and took my empty coffee cup into the kitchen.
I had a lot to do to get ready for my future.
I had a nursery to decorate and furnish, baby supplies to research and purchase, a wedding to plan, and if all went well—a store to open.
I wasn’t convinced I could pull off that last one, but after much discussion, Bear had insisted I hire a large team of players, including a business manager, to help me get it done before the baby arrived.
So, give or take a few weeks, I had six months.
Good thing I was feeling strong these days, because the old Chloe would have been overwhelmed by so many different important things to take care of. I laughed when I remembered being worried about designing Bear’s hotel. That seemed like so long ago and it seemed simple compared to what I was facing now.
But I could do it all. I knew I could. I just needed a little organization.
I grabbed a notebook from Bear’s desk and sat down to make a few hundred lists…
Bear
I’d been locked in my office for over an hour and I couldn’t sit still. All I could do was see Bruce’s face.
I’d failed him.
I should have been there for him.
I didn’t know how or when, but I
was sure there must have been something I could have done differently. I’d been so wrapped up in Chloe the last few months, I hadn’t been talking to him as much as I usually did.
I had no idea he was depressed.
In fact, he seemed just the opposite. He was like a new man now that he wasn’t weighed down by the pressures of being the DA. He’d gone up to my cabin, insisting I tell nobody where he was because he didn’t want to be bothered by any one or any thing. He’d been up there for almost two years, secluded, isolated, spending his days skiing and hiking.
When he came down to spend New Year’s Eve with us, I’d been surprised. But he said he was starting to feel a little more sociable and he wanted to get away from the cabin. We’d all had a wonderful time together.
And now he was gone, just like that.
I couldn’t believe he’d kill himself. It just didn’t make sense, it didn’t fit with the Bruce that I knew.
Chloe kept saying I needed to accept that he was gone, and I was trying. It was how he’d left that I couldn’t accept.
My mind had made up all kinds of scenarios. I’d even presented a few of my theories to the detectives, but they dismissed them all. They said there was no sign of a struggle, the door was locked, nothing was missing, so it couldn’t have been foul play. I told them they should look into Bruce’s old job, but they said he’d been gone for two years, the chance of his job being involved were slim.
I insisted my friend wouldn’t harm himself, but they just looked at me with pity and apologized, said there was nothing else they could do without evidence.
Evidence.
Fuck the evidence!
This overwhelming intuition I had about the whole thing was enough for me.
If they weren’t going to do anything, then I needed to take matters into my own hands.
I picked up the phone and called the front desk.
“Yes, Mr. Dalton?” Sarah answered.
“Cancel all my meetings, Sarah, I’m leaving.”
“Of course, Mr. Dalton,” she said. “Should I reschedule?”
“Yes, I’ll try again tomorrow. Apologize for me.” I was supposed to meet with my Board of Directors in an hour and I just couldn’t do it.
