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She nods and runs back up the stairs, and I stay to watch her close the door to her room as well before I return my attention toward Hanson.
Rubbing my lips, I casually saunter toward him and place my hand on the table. “The truth.”
“Yes. I’ve wanted to explain everything to you for so long—”
“What’s there to explain? You’re a murderer, plain and simple.” I grab the mug sitting on the table and bring it to the counter. I don’t need to hear an explanation. Not for killing people. There is no reason. No way to talk this right. He left his family the moment he made that decision, and I cannot forgive him for that.
“He was a criminal, and you know that,” Hanson says.
I almost smash the mug right there and then, but I manage to stop myself. Barely.
“That doesn’t make it okay,” I say, spinning on my heels so I can look him in the eyes. “You killed a man. Nothing he did makes that okay.”
His face darkens. “Did you forget what he almost did to Daisy and countless other girls at the daycare?”
“Stop. I don’t wanna hear it,” I say, looking away. I’m already glad I found out in time to save my little girl. I can’t imagine what she would’ve had to endure if the cops hadn’t arrested that man when they did. And those poor other girls … God, I don’t even wanna think about it.
“Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away,” Hanson says, pulling me from my thoughts.
“I haven’t ignored it!” I slam my fist on the counter. I know I’m yelling. I just have to pray to God she can’t hear me right now. “I’ve seen what it’s done to the other girls and what it almost did to Daisy. I’ve lived with the consequences of choosing that fucking daycare. I know what I almost did to her.” Tears fill my eyes. “What about you? Do you know?”
“I’ve done my best.”
“So have I,” I hiss back. “You. Weren’t. Here.”
I want him to know how much I hate him and how much it hurts.
Or at least how much I want to hate him.
“I wanted to be. More than anything,” he says after a while.
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have killed that guy,” I say through gritted teeth. If it wasn’t for him and his choice, none of this would’ve happened. Instead, I had to lie to my little girl about her daddy.
“I had no other choice,” he says.
“There’s always another choice,” I spit back as rage bubbles to the surface.
“No.” He takes a few steps toward me and makes a fist. “This was the only choice. You wanna know why? Her.” He points at the stairs.
I shake my head. “Don’t you bring her into this.”
He moves in closer, right up to my face. “She is the reason. And I’d do it all over again if it had the same result.”
“Why?” I ask, tears rolling down my cheeks.
He grabs my jawline with both hands and stares me down. “She’s alive.”
My lips part as I try to understand his words. Alive? What does he mean? “But—”
I suck in a breath, realizing what he means.
“I killed him to save her.”
Chapter Eight
Lillian
His words resonate in my ears; their implication endless.
“What? But … that’s impossible—”
“How else do you think she survived?” he says through gritted teeth. “It was the only way.”
I shake my head. “But you, you killed him …”
“For her,” he says.
I’m trying to fit the missing pieces together. That day, when I was at work … when I heard on the news he was arrested … that’s when it happened.
“But how? I didn’t even know—” I mutter.
“I didn’t want you to know because I knew you couldn’t live with yourself if you knew how she survived,” he explains. “So I told everyone to lie to you.”
Tears keep rolling down my cheeks. It’s too much to take in. Too much for my heart to accept.
Because if this is true, how can I stay mad at him?
“I’m sorry,” he says, shattering everything I thought I knew about myself. About him. About us.
“I’m so sorry,” he repeats. “But I made this choice, and I would do it again if I had to.”
I do the only thing I can. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. Deeply. Madly. Hard.
I’m lost in my emotions, lost in him, lost in my mind. Because I know none of this can stay the way it is. Everything changed the moment he made his decision, and now, after all these years, I finally understand why.
“Mommy?”
* * *
Hanson
Daisy’s voice makes me pull back, and Lillian also takes a step back, pretending nothing was going on.
“Yes?” she mumbles, adjusting her robe and rubbing her lips together to hide the evidence.
“I forgot to say … the noise that woke me up was a car.”
