I nod enthusiastically. “Every one of my friends who took the crown says they have a special connection with Alioth. That she warns them when there’s danger and comforts them when they need it. That’s a huge advantage against the priests.”
“No,” he says, chest heaving. “I forbid it.”
Surprise twangs inside me like a plucked rubber band. I thought he wanted me to be his queen. Was I wrong about that? Is he still trying to send me away?
Chapter 27
Delphie
“Idon’t understand. Isn’t this what you want?” I ask, bewildered by his sudden reluctance.
He growls, stepping toward me and sinking to his knees beside the bed. I almost back up, unsure what he’s doing. He reaches for me, grasping my hands and squeezing like they’re his lifeline. “If you take my crown, it should be because you want to join with me, not just for a battle advantage. You said yourself that we have to reforge our connection before we take permanent steps. I don’t want to cheat you of this. If we join, you will no longer have a choice. I will be no better than the Eye if you are forced to stay with me.”
He looks distraught, eyes wild and teeth bared, so I tug one hand out of his grip to stroke over his scalp until he lays his head in my lap and wraps his arms around my waist. I continue rubbing his head and neck, feeling his tension melt away under my fingers. “Youarebetter, Nik, because you care about me and what I want. And for what it’s worth, I choose you. I put my trust and faith in us, even though we’re not perfect yet. You have an unhealed wound inside, but with some care and time, it’ll heal into a scar. It will be a reminder of something ugly, but also a reminder of how it was repaired. Yeah, the healing process might make things complicated, but we will figure it outtogether, just like we are going to figure out how to beat these asshole priests together. We’re a team. We’re a family.”
“A family,” he says into the folds of my sveli, like he’s trying out the word.
“Yes.” I continue stroking his neck and shoulders, and I can almost hear the gears turning in his head as he thinks over what I’ve said. It’s in these thoughtful moments that I can imagine a cozy, sweet life with him, rubbing his back in the evenings while he reads stories from his scrolls aloud to me. As much as I want adventure and fun new experiences, I want that quiet comfort, too. “I want to be your family.”
He raises his head and pulls back slightly so he has to let go of my waist, and his hands slide down my thighs, squeezing slightly. His voice rough and raw, he says somberly, “I will consider if I can give you this.”
“That’s fair.” My heart thumps hard, knowing what his decision will be. He’s going to accept after he thinks about it. We’re going to join. I’m going to walk on that spaceship so the moms can be free. And we’re going to get through this, somehow. But not gonna lie, I’m scared of every step.
I wonder if my mom was scared like that. Scared of leaving me and my brothers behind in someone else’s care. Scared of losing her husband when they were deployed separately. Scared of not coming back. She had to be.
The world’s too big to ignore.Bigger than fear.
I wish she knew how big. I wish she could see her round-headed daughter on the other side of the galaxy, fighting to free these alien women. She would be proud of me.
“We can do this,” I tell Nik.
He doesn’t even acknowledge what I’ve said. He stands up, nods to me, and leaves me there. I don’t know how to take it. Is he bailing because his mind is made up and he doesn’t want to argue about it, or does he agree with me?
I finish my food quickly, shower and moisturize, and get dressed in a few cozy layers without knowing exactly what I’m doing next. Even though I’m sure of Nik’s eventual decision, I don’t know how long it will take him to get there. I feel pretty good, though—that bitter-ass green juice must have done the trick—so I might as well do something useful while I wait for him.
This is the first test, though. Did he lock the door? I hold my breath while I try it, and when it opens, I get a tingly feeling down my spine. He trusts me.
I pop my head outside, and Aqen’s there, looking cute in a crisp, clean sveli and a matching sling for his arm. “You!” I fling my arms around him, careful of his injured arm, and give him the biggest hug I can. He’s my hero. “I’m so sorry, Aqen. I should have listened to you when you said we needed to go inside. I feel like an asshole.”
He snickers. “That’s a disgusting expression.”
“Thank you for saving my disgusting human butt,” I say, hugging him again. “I owe you one.”
“Just listen to me next time.” He grins down at me. “How are you feeling? We’ve all been worried.”
“Good. Cidro made me some green stuff that got rid of my hypothermia hangover. How are you? Nik wasn’t too mean to you, was he? I heard about the dandelion thing.”
He grimaces. “Let’s just say that it’s a good thing I saved your life, or it wouldn’t have gone well for me.”
Ugh, I feel terrible for putting him in that position. “I should have explained to him that I’d shared that story with other people.”
“It’s nothing. Even kings have things to learn,” Aqen says quietly, and I know he’s thinking of Fen.
“Have you decided whether to read the letter from him?”
He sighs heavily. “Yesterday, I thought I’d put the decision in the goddess’s hands. If Jara Nik sent me away, I would read the scroll. If he let me stay on Usuri, I would not.”
“He let you stay and now you’re a little disappointed that you weren’t forced to read it,” I say, understanding. He nods. “You know you don’t have to follow your own rules, right? You can still read it. I have it if you want it. Or if you’re still feeling like a note isn’t enough, you can just skip reading it and contact Fen directly.”
