He traced a particularly deep scar on his ribs. “Janusz. Took a poison blade meant for me.” Another on his shoulder. “Perrot. Held off twelve goblins while we retreated.” His thigh. “Remy and Ithor, brothers who died protecting each other.”
Each name hit her like a physical blow.
“Now I need to add one for you.” His claw extended, pressing against his chest until blood welled around it. “For my mate who was taken from me. Except you weren’t taken, were you? You gave yourself away.”
“I was trying to save you!”
“You destroyed us!” The roar could have woken the fallen gods. “You let them butcher my watch and then you severed the one thing that might have helped me bear it!”
“I’m sorry.” She was on her knees in the furs, tears falling freely. “I know an apology can never be enough, but I am so sorry.”
“Regret doesn’t resurrect the dead.” He laced his breeches with sharp, angry movements.
“I swear, I didn’t know what Lord Wilkin intended until after you were gone. After the Watch began to fall.” She reached for him, hands shaking. She couldn’t tell him now about why she waited to break the bond. He was so angry, and if she blamed the delay on Loïc, that might make him the target of Brandt’s fury, which was the last thing she wanted. “Please believe me, I told the Nadir as soon as I had suspicions. I would have broken the bond sooner if I could have.”
“How considerate.” His voice dripped venom. “Destroying us for my own good.”
She deserved this feeling. This gut-wrenching feeling. She couldn’t run from it. “I knew you’d hate me once you found out.”
“Hate you?” He spun to face her, and his expression made her flinch. “I hate what you did to my watch. But at least it wasn’t entirely your fault. Why I hate you is for what you did tous. You took away my heart. Mymate.”
It felt like he’d kicked her in the stomach. “I’m still here,” she whispered. “I never stopped waiting for you. Never stopped loving you.”
“No.” His voice had gone quiet, which was worse than the shouting. “If you loved me as I love you, you never could have broken the bond. Your love was a lie. My mate is dead. You killed her.”
The words hit harder than any physical blow could have. “It wasn’t a lie.” Her love for him was everything she was. Everything she had worked for. Every choice she’d made for the last six years.
He laughed again, a terrible, bitter sound, hands raking through his hair. “What would you call it, then? Yourlovekilled my watchmates. Your love destroyed our bond. Your love ispoison.”
Legs barely strong enough to stand, she used the wall to climb to her feet, trying not to shake apart completely. She might deserve every word, but it was still so difficult to bear. “What do you want me to do now? I’ll do anything.”
“Leave.” He wouldn’t look at her. “Get out before I do something I regret.”
“Please, let me—”
“Get out!”
She fled, stumbling out of his eyrie and down the ladder, blind with tears. Behind her, she heard something shatter.
She’dknownhe would hate her once he learned the truth. But somehow she’d hoped—what? That he’d understand? That he wouldn’t be hurt even further?
Stupid. Stupid to think it would go any other way.
She made it to the rookery before her legs gave out, collapsing in the stairwell three flights from her apartment. She couldn’t pick up Loïc like this. He would ask questions she couldn’t answer. The hard ones first.
Your love is poison.
The words echoed in her skull, each repetition cutting deeper. Brandt was right. Everything she touched came to ruin. Herfamily. Her farm. The Sixth Watch. Their bond. Now him. And poor Loïc was saddled with a human mother who’d betrayed his kind. She couldn’t even teach him to fly or introduce him to his own father.
She pressed her hand to her shoulder where her mate mark should have been, feeling only nauseatingly smooth skin. Somewhere in the Tower above her, Brandt was probably carving a new mark into his hide. One more death to carry. One more loss to remember.
She sat in the dark stairwell, unable to move forward. Some wounds were simply too great to survive. Some things were too broken to mend. She’d just lost him forever, only days after getting him back.
The worst part was knowing she was owed every bit of it. She’d earned this pain. She’d destroyed them both, and now all she had left was the certainty of what they’d never be again.
As he’d put it, her mate was dead. And she was the one who’d killed him.
Chapter 24
