“I spent… god,yearsdoing things the wrong way. But over the summer, I realized that if I wanted something more than the shitty guys I was screwing around with, I had to stop screwing around with shitty guys.”
She shrugs.
“But I didn’t get there overnight, you know? First, it took a few months of going out andnotgoing home with someone. It took reminding myself that what I actually wanted would take time to nurture, and grow, and isn’t likely to happen because someone bought me some drinks and we fucked in his car.”
I swallow down the bitterness I get at that picture.
“I started focusing more on the things that matter to me. I started doing the things thatIlove, and focusing more on school and my career. And you know what? I’ve only been on two dates since getting back from summer. But they weregood dates,even though they didn’t end in getting into a relationship. And you know why? Because Ilearnedsomething from them. I’ve never slept with a guy and then felt like I learned something other than what I do or don’t like in bed. But everything we do in life should teach us something, and I decided I wanted to have relationships that challenge me to grow and be a better person. And Jeremy, as wonderful as you are, you’re just not there.”
I rub my face, scratch my head, anything to give me a reprieve from looking at those eyes of her that look so betrayed. She’s still so hurt by how I treated her. How I’ve continued to treat her.
“I can’t help that I’ve been focused on this over the past 8 months and you’ve been doing the same old thing. How am I supposed to believe that you’ve been pining for me when you’re still screwing people and…”
“I’m not.”
She pauses.
“It’s been almost 6 months, Charlie. I haven’t been able to think about anyone but you.”
She leans back in her chair, taking my words in. Digesting them.
“And I know you’re gonna think I’m full of shit – and who knows, maybe I am – but this thing I feel for you? It’s not going away. It’s just not.” I rub the back of my neck to ease the tension I feel. “And I realize that I have to prove that to you, and that it’s gonna take time. And I’m okay with that.”
She’s shaking her head.
“No, Charlie, don’t shake your head. Don’t shut this down. I know right now, you think I’m blowing smoke. But that just means I need to show you I’m serious. I might have fucked up. I might not have made all of the right choices. I might have actively made some bad ones over the past few months. But that’s not who I want to be. It’s not whoyoumake me want to be.”
I lean forward again.
“I want to be a better man for you. I want to be the person you believe I can be.”
She’s giving me this look I can’t decipher, somewhere between hope and sadness.
“But you can’t be that person forme,Jeremy. You have to make that change foryou.”She sighs. “Don’t you see that? Don’t you realize that if you make changes for me, and then we start something and fall apart, you wont know who you are anymore? You have to want to change becauseyouwant to.”
“I do. Fuck.” I fist a hand in my hair. “I’m not explaining myself very well.”
I suck down a sip of my soda and she sits in silence.
“Charlie just… promise me something okay?”
She just stares at me.
“Promise me that you won’t permanently close the door on anything happening between us okay? I’m not saying you have to promise me a date. I’m not saying you have to promise anything other than your potential consideration in the future.”
She sighs again.
A minute ticks by.
And just when I think she isn’t going to respond, she does.
“Okay.”
