“I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know this is just one of those things you have to sort through on your own,” he finally says.
I nod but keep my eyes in my lap, which is why I’m startled when Jeremy reaches out and lifts my chin with his hand, bringing my eyes to his.
“But I can tell you this,” he says, his face too close to mine and yet not close enough. His face is suddenly so stern, so focused. “Your parents are fucking idiots if they don’t realize what they’re missing out on. I can promise you that I’ll be there, cheering you on as you walk across the stage. You’ve worked so hard for this, and you deserve to be proud of yourself, pretty girl.” He tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear, his eyes tracking his movements before they come back to looking into my soul, his expression softening. “You are a rainbow that exploded out of a black and white movie. Don’t let the fact that someone else is color blind rob you of your ability to brighten the world.”
I can’t help myself when I lean forward and press my lips against his. He’s startled enough to pop backwards for just a second, to look at my face, before he leans forward and crashes his mouth to mine.
It feels like coming home, when I truly don’t feel like I’ve had one in a long time. His tongue caresses mine, sweeping into my mouth and sending euphoria shooting through my veins. He keeps his hands on my face, holding me in place, almost like he’s afraid I’m going to back away, chicken out. But I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
I moan into his mouth, let my hands reach for him. I grab his shirt and tuck it tightly between my fingers, grabbing onto anything I can find, anything I can grasp that makes this a tangible reality. Where my problems aren’t bigger than what’s happening right now.
Jeremy breaks the kiss but doesn’t let go of my face. He keeps me close, his breath rushing out in pants against my face, the cool mint smell puffing at me as he catches his breath.
“Tell me you actually want me to kiss you right now,” he finally says, which is not at all what I expected him to say. “Tell me this isn’t just you trying to distract yourself from what’s going on with your family.”
It takes a second for his words to register, and by the time they do, I must have paused for too long, because Jeremy lets out a sigh and leans backwards in his seat, his hands falling away from me.
“Jeremy…” I start, but can’t find the words to say, so I don’t say anything. Am I supposed to say that I paused because I was pumped so full of bliss I couldn’t translate his words into actual English? I settle back into my own seat, tucking into myself slightly. Or do I say that I don’t really know why I kissed him? That it just felt right in the moment and I didn’t want to let the moment pass.
“You know as well as I do that using something to numb the pain you’re feeling isn’t healthy.”
I look over to Jeremy, who sits staring out the window.
“You’ve worked really hard to get to a point where you don’t use your body to make things feel better. Isn’t that what you told me? That it took you months and months of reminding yourself that your body isn’t something you want to trade for a few minutes of feeling good?”
Shame washes over me as I remember the words I spoke to Jeremy just a few weeks ago. How was I so quick to jump back into bad habits? Hadn’t I taught myself anything?
“We’re here.”
Malory’s voice breaks the spell I’m under, reminding me that we aren’t in the car alone. That someone else is bearing witness to my moment of weakness.
I glance over at Jeremy, but he's already out of the car and rounding my side. I open the door and slide my legs out just as he reaches me, but I avoid his eyes and his attempt to help me out of the car. As he walks me to the door, the silence between us is awkward and uncomfortable.
“Thanks for…”
“If you need…”
We both smile lightly.
“Go ahead,” I say.
Jeremy tucks his hands into his hips and leans back on his heels.
“I was just gonna say, if you need anyone to talk to, feel free to give me a call. Okay?”
I nod, feeling uncertain. Because I do want to numb this ache I feel. But I’m not entirely certain the sadness I feel has anything to do with my family. I want to tell him to come in, but not because his body can make me feel better about the shitty circumstances I’ve found myself in.
No. I want him to come in because he’s the only person I can imagine talking to right now. I want to spend time with him. I want to snuggle next to him while I cry, and get mad at him when he makes jokes to get me to laugh even though I’m in a shitty mood. But just as quickly as these revelations flood into my mind, the reality that it won’t happen crashes down.
He’s letting me down easy, because he thinks if I reach for him now, it’s because of what happened with my family. So, today, I have to let this go. Today, I have to give him a hug, say thank you, and go deal with my problems in a way that works.
And I’ll keep focusing on dealing with my problems until I feel like I’m in a better place, just like I told Jeremy to do.
But then?
Once we’ve both worked through the shit that life has been throwing at us?
Then it’ll be time to give in.
