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been sober for a few years now.”
My introduction was met with several “Hi’ Dre’s” from the crowd and a few claps of encouragement. “You know, I’ve been to a thousand of these meetings. I’ve introduced myself to hundreds of others just this same way.” I shook my head and cleared my throat. “For some reason stupid reason I keep expecting this to get easier.” The crowd laughed. “But telling my story never does.”
Steve chimed in from the front row, “It may never get easier, but it’s a good reminder of why you are here and why you can never go back.”
There were more words of encouragement murmured from the small crowd, but it wasn’t their reaction that had me holding onto the edges of the podium for support. I cast one last glance to Preppy in the back row. He was partially hidden in the shadows so I couldn’t make out his expression and in that moment I was grateful for it.
I continued. “I’ve been sober now for several years. I’ve lost people. I guess that’s how this all started. I lost my step-sister and I blamed myself. Her boyfriend blamed me too, and we fell into our addictions together. He became violent. He...he hurt me. He RAPED me. I told myself I deserved it. In the end, I lost him too.” I took a deep breath and looked down at the podium.
“I almost killed myself one night. I almost jumped off of the water tower right here in Logan’s Beach. But I was saved by someone. I wouldn’t call him a guardian angel exactly. More like a devil with good timing.
“After a bunch of other stuff that I won’t bore you with, I sobered up and my dad took me back and I checked into rehab.
“One night, not long after I’d gotten there, I realized how fucking tired I was. Not like sleep tired, but tired of hurting. Because just when I thought my heart couldn’t break anymore it kept shattering over and over again and after a while, just when I thought I was going to be okay...I couldn't take it anymore.
“And as an addict, I only knew of one way I could make it all go away.
“I don’t even remember how I managed to escape the rehab facility, or what door or window I snuck out of. All I know is that night, less than an hour after thinking about using again, I was sitting on the dirty floor of some dealers drug den holding a lighter in one hand and a spoon in the other.”
I paused. My chest tightened. I fought back the tears that threatened every single time I was about to start on the next part. The most important part. The tears won and by the time I started speaking they were falling in warm streams down my cheeks.
“That night everything changed in a flash of a second. Before I could tie off my arm, my gut twisted. I thought it could’ve been the guilt of what I was about to do. And I think it could have been a part of it, but when it passed I tied off my arm and just as I lifted the needle to prick my skin a pain tore through my stomach and I blacked out.
“I woke up in the hospital thinking that I’d overdosed. My dad was there and he told me I didn’t have any drugs in my system. He had tears in his eyes and when I asked him what was wrong,” my voice cracked. “He told me he wanted to be the one to tell me himself that I...” I took a deep breath to compose myself. “Sorry. He wanted to be the one to tell me the news that I’d lost a baby. My baby,” I said, a sob escaping my lips. “A baby I didn’t even know I was carrying for fifteen weeks. A little girl.
“I loved her the second he told me about her and I grieved her as hard as any mother can grieve for the loss of a child. When the guilt came again, the overwhelming maddening guilt, it crashed into me a thousand times worse than it ever had before and I realized that she was never fated to make it in this life.
“If it weren’t for those pains I would have used and I know in my heart that she wouldn’t of made it if I had. Or possibly me as well. That sweet unborn baby, who never stood a chance at taking her first breath, stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
“She saved my life.
“After I got out of the hospital I checked back into rehab and I never touched a needle again. And every time I feel myself sliding down into the abyss I find comfort in thinking about her. In a way I like to think that talking about her gives her a new kind of life, because although it was short, it had so much meaning. SHE had meaning.
“I was slipping. I wasn’t strong enough to save myself, But it turns out that she was strong enough for the both of us. So now it’s my job to be strong for her,” I scanned the crowd and my eyes fell on the motionless shadow in the back row. “And I have no intentions of ever letting her down.”
****
I left right after my speech, not waiting until the end. I walked down the aisle to find the last row empty. Pain welled in my chest as I told myself that it was expected. There would be no reason for him to stick around after what I’d just said. I knew he’d be angry, I knew he’d hate me for what I’d done and he had every right to. But he had a right to know and although I was crushed he wasn’t there, a big part of me was glad he finally knew about his daughter.
I pushed open the double doors that lead to the front room of the church from the chapel and was about to exit through the front when a voice stopped me. “She was mine?”
I turned to find Preppy standing against the wall in the corner, his expression unreadable. “I thought you left.”
“She was mine?” he repeated.
I nodded.
“Fuck you,” he spat. “Why didn’t you come tell me? Why...” he stopped, pushed off the wall and came to stand in front of me. His eyes rimmed in red as they searched mine for answers.
“After how we left things I didn’t think you’d really care and even if you would care what would be the point? It was too late, there wasn’t anything that could be done.”
“I would’ve cared,” he argued. “And I could’ve been there for you.”
“I wouldn’t have known that,” I responded, biting my bottom lip and I could tell from the shift in his expression that he understood.
“You...” he started, his eyebrows furrowed. He glanced down to my stomach in confusion and reached out, placing his flattened palm over the fabric of my dress then bunching the fabric in his hands. I felt the warmth of his hand through the material of my dress as if he were touching bare skin. “You were carrying my baby,” his voice almost a whisper.
Although it wasn’t a question, I nodded, sniffling and shuffling my feet as he continued to stare at me as if he were seeing me for the first time.
“You had to go through that all alone,” he said. “My baby...”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, filling the awkward silence. “My body was still recovering and too weak to carry her and I’m so...”
“Stop,” Preppy said, holding up a hand.
“But...”
“Stop!” he said. “God damnit, Doc! You should have told me. I would’ve been there for you. I would have come running if I knew you’d just lost our baby. You shouldn’t have been alone for that.”
“I’m just so so...”
My apology was cut short when Preppy descended on me, crushing his lips against mine. I squealed as a surprising bolt of confusion and desire pulsed through my entire body as his kiss grew deeper and more desperate. He lifted me off my feet and swung me around, pushing my back against the wall next to a door marked OFFICE. I opened my mouth to him and when our tongues tangled together he groaned and used his knee to spread my legs further apart. My dress rode up my thighs, one less layer between us as his hands met my bare ass.
A thin strip of wet cotton was all that was left to cover me.
Preppy rocked against me, groaning. I gasped into his mouth when I felt his hard cock, huge and ready, against my core. “I thought,” I started, searching his face. The chords in his neck were tight. His face was flushed.
Preppy chuckled and spoke against my lips. “I thought too, Doc. I guess my cock was just waiting for the right place and time.”
“A church during an NA meeting?” I asked with a smile, panting as my body responded to his every touch. H
e rocked against me again, harder this time. My insides clenched, needing him to fill me, wanting him deep inside of me.
“If my cock wants to fuck you in a church then who the fuck am I to argue?” Preppy asked before pressing his lips back to mine and continuing the agony of the most passion filled kiss I’d ever experienced in my life. “I’ll take it as a sign from God that I should fuck you right here and now.”
“What?” I asked breathlessly, as Preppy dipped one hand between us pushing my panties aside. The second his fingers connected with my delicate flesh I bucked off the wall and Preppy grabbed me tighter by the waist, pulling me in closer, locking me to him.
“Shhhh, gonna fuck you, Doc. Gonna make you come so hard you’re gonna drip down my fucking cock,” he said, his voice low and raw as he circled my aching clit and I writhed for more.
