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“That fucker!”
“Exactly. So are we doing this or what, Doc? If you’re in it’s pick up that pretty skirt and grab your balls. Are you in or are you out?”
She didn’t hesitate. “Oh, I’m in alright.” Dre raised her arm in launch position and tipped her chin to me. “Ready!”
I started the countdown. “One...Two...Three!” On three we both threw as hard as we can, not stopping until the two dozen eggs in the carton were all gone and smashed against the window. “It’s fucking beautiful,” Dre said, admiring the smears and drips of liquid yolk sliding down the glass, the lights from inside the store gave what we did a backlit effect, making it look as if the window was glowing.
“We should probably run,” I suggested, hearing the ding of the front door and the stomp of angry steps across the pavement.
“Sure, where do you want to go now...”
“No, we should run!” I yelled, grabbing her arm and dragging her with me until she realized that Tyler was right behind us as well as blue and red lights of a patrol car that had just skid into the parking lot.
“Shit!” Dre squealed sounding more delighted than one should be when the possibility being cuffed in the back of a squad car by the end of the night was pretty fucking high.
“This way,” I said, leading her over the chain link fence in the back of the store and then down the path that twisted through a wooded area and ended up across the road from my house. We darted over dead plants and tree roots, my memory of the path I used to know so well the only thing guiding us forward on the dark path. Dre squealed again when we heard the sound of the fence rattling. A mini tunnel of brightness darted from side to side ahead of us, courtesy of a strong ass cop flashlight.
“Stop, you’re under arrest!” ordered the officer chasing us.
“If we keep going this way he’s going to catch up to us. We need a better plan,” Dre pointed out.
She was right. I wasn’t the only one who knew the path, but suddenly, like an idea bulb growing bright, a light came into view in the distance from a house that definitely didn’t exist last time I was in those woods. Laughter and soft rock music filled the air. A clink of glasses. A splashing of water. The smell of meat on a grill. It seemed as if someone was having a barbecue, and those someones were about to have two new best friends.
“Come on,” I said, hopping over the little white picket fence lining the backyard. As we ran toward the back of the house I realized it wasn’t a bar-b-que as much as a couple, two men sitting in a small hot tub on their back deck, drinking red wine while a closed grill smoked just a few feet away. The outdoor table was set for four, complete with plates and glasses, as if they were expecting more company.
“What the hell are you...” Dre started to ask as I stripped off my clothes.
“Take off your clothes,” I told her. “Now.”
“Who the hell are you?” the younger man of the two asked, standing up in the water to reveal the smallest speedos no man should ever be subjected to seeing in his lifetime. The other man, a silver haired older gentleman, looked mildly amused and very VERY high. They must have smoked earlier because although the source of it wasn’t laying around, the light smell of weed still lingered in the air.
“We, gentleman, are your company for the night,” I announced, “And we’ve been here all day,” I added, glancing back into the woods, the beam of the light was growing closer. “I’m Samuel and this is my wife Dre.” Dre gave them a small wave as she continued to undress. She added one of her famous huge red lipped smiles too although I was sure it wasn’t as effective on them as it always seemed to be on me.
I grabbed the bottle of wine from the ledge on the side of the tub and poured it into the two empty glasses lining the place settings. Dre kicked off her shoes until she was only in her underwear and bra. She picked up her clothes and mine and tossed them into the open kitchen window. The men watched her with confused expressions on their faces. The man who was standing slowly sank back down into the bubbling water. “And if you play along with what’s about to happen, I’ll give you a six-month supply of the best weed you can get your hands on in all of Logan’s Beach.”
The older man seemed to be thinking over my offer although I’d wished he’d think it over faster. MUCH FASTER. “That would be good because the stuff I bought today across the bridge was...how you say... shit,” he said with a very heavy Spanish accent. I stepped into the hot tub in only my boxers, my legs having no choice but to brush against speedo-man in the small tub. I handed Dre her glass of wine and helped her into the tub next to me. I grabbed a handful of water and wet my hair before wrapping my arm around Dre’s shoulders and pulling her close to my side.
“I’m Fred and that sexy gentleman is Meryl,” Fred announced before playfully swatting Meryl on the shoulder. “And you said we should have built in Miami because there is no excitement in Logan’s Beach.” He held his glass up in our direction, and then gasped with whispered delight when the officer hopped the back fence and started heading our way. “How much more excitement do you need?” he said, behind his hand as if the officer could read lips in the dark.
By the time the officer got to us, out of breath with leaves and twigs stuck all over his dark blue uniform, the four of us were in full fake conversation, laughing and clinking our glasses together like old friends.
“Is this the friend you said was joining us?” Dre asked, she turned to the officer. “Did you bring more wine?” She downed her glass. “‘Cause this is gooooood stuff.”
“You always did have a taste for the expensive,” Fred teased, sounding like a natural born actor. “What can we do for you officer...Beaman?” he asked with a flirty tone, cocking his head to the side to read his badge.
“You two,” Beaman said, pointing from me to Dre. “Out of there right now. You’re under arrest for vandalism, evading an officer of the law...”
“I think you’re mistaken, Sir,” I said. “You’ve got the wrong people. We’ve been here for hours with our friends having a good time. We did hear some rustling in the brush though, so you might want to check the woods.” I smiled and took a sip of my wine which was actually pretty fucking good considering I didn’t know shit about wine.
“Don’t make me add more charges to the list,” the officer warned, placing his hand on his gun and playfully tapping his fingers over the strapped buttoned over the holster. “Like failure to cooperate with an investigation, and...”
“Wait just a second officer. These are our guests in our home and they’ve been here all night like they said. Now move on and keep searching for who you’re mistaking them for,” Fred argued.
Beaman shook his head and didn’t take his eyes from me as he said, “I’m not mistaking anything, sir. Now you two get the fuck out of there and come with me or I’ll...” he flicked the strap on his holster open.
This single move pissed me off to the point that my vision blurred with anger. Normally, as if anything were ever fucking normal, this little show of power would be the trigger setting me off into a rage that ended up with me calling Smoke for a body cleanup. But I didn’t want to put Dre in any sort of danger. I couldn’t.
It was only a misdemeanor. What the hell.
Score:
Preppy: 78,903,948,098
Law: 1
I guess I could go with him this once.
I was about to set my wine glass down and do as he said when Meryl stood up, the water beaded on his chest and slid down over his curly grey chest hair, landing in a puddle over his pot belly which hid whatever speedo he was wearing.
God I hoped he was wearing a speedo.
“Let me ask you a little something, did you see these two commit the crime you are accusing them of?” Meryl asked, sternly, taking a very professional stance as if he weren’t mostly naked.
Or possibly naked.
Shit, he was most definitely naked.
The officer sighed in frustration. “No, but we saw them running and got a cal
l...”
“Running isn’t illegal,” he argued. “If it were them that is. Which it most certainly was not.”
Officer Beaman opened his mouth to protest but Meryl cut him off. “Furthermore officer,” Meryl stressed the word OFFICER, “this is private property, where I am entertaining guests, and you, having not witnessed whatever the crime is in question, have no legal right to be on my property. If you feel the need to come back or think you have valid legal reason to do so, you are welcome to come back with a warrant, or else my office will be dealing with you and believe me that they will rain down the wraith of an angry old man six months from retirement, trying to enjoy his vacation, the likes of which you have NEVER seen!” Meryl reached toward the table, plucked his wallet from his jeans and handed the officer a card.
I was downright shocked when Officer Beamans eyes went wide and he tipped his hat to Meryl, offering his apologies. “So sorry to have disturbed your party, sir.”
We were just about home free, the cop was walking back toward the fence, when a kid a few years younger than me came bursting through the house onto the back deck. He didn’t glance up from the bags in his hand, just set them on the table and began to rummage through them. The cop stopped to take notice of the kid.
“Pops, they didn’t have the kind you wanted. But they had this other brand with the state of Florida on it. It’s slim pickings in the stores in this po-dunk town so you’ll have to deal with the cigarettes I could find. Fred do you guys have any...” The kid stopped mid sentence when he realized that Fred and Meryl weren’t alone. His eyes landed on Dre and then me as he stood frozen in shock.
“Hey kid,” Beaman called out. The kids head snapped to the officer.
“Uh, yeah?” He asked, holding his hands in the air as if he were under arrest.
“Fuck,” Fred muttered.
