Why had I kissed him?
We had just run through the city of Moscow with dubious papers and dubious purpose. I knew all that was going to happen before I pulled him to me on the stage and kissed him.
It was a reckless idea that just popped into my brain. Something to protest what the government here held to be true: homosexual relationships were wrong. They had serious anti-gay, anti-queer attitudes in the country. It wouldn’t get us arrested, but it would make a lot of top level officials gnash their teeth. Maybe break a molar.
Ginni and Hazel were activists in the US. They were married and they were out and proud and loud. I didn’t know what had come over them to join the protest in a foreign country that was openly hostile to not only their sexual orientation but them as Americans in general.
So, the kiss was an idea. Afuck youto the Kremlin. A middle finger to the big man and his lackies. An idea that seemed to be brilliant on the surface.
Then, I’d actually kissed him andholy shit.
The world shifted, and it went from being a middle finger to something that just lit me up from my hair right down the middle of my balls.
I hadn’t wanted to pull away, to end it. The only reason I did was because we were on a schedule.
I cracked my one eye to look over at him.
Staring out the window, into the darkness, Aaron didn’t know I was looking at him. He was…handsome. Cute. Towheaded, with honey-brown eyes, his nose was pert and lips were…not full but definitely ripe for kissing. He had a strong jaw, and his profile from this angle was attractive.
I liked his makeup. It was fun and looked good on him without being over the top. That he had the balls to sit at the drum kit of a hard rock band with eyeliner and glitter—when most of that had gone out in the glam rock era—said a lot about him. A lot that I liked, a lot that had drawn me to him in the two months we’d been bandmates.
When we’d formed the band, nine years ago, we’d clicked. Just fell in together so hard and so well that we suddenly found ourselves at the top of the charts. We bonded, we were friends, and we went through a lot of shit together. And while Ora, Rand, Holland, and I had continued to be actual friends, Grig drifted away, culminating in his dismissal.
What I hadn’t expected was to find someone who clicked in with us as easily as we had at the beginning. He had melded in with the other guys. They joked, they teased, and they worked together.
I thought it felt like I had taken on the role of big brother. Taking him under my wing to show him how to live the life right. It wasn’t easy being a rock star, and he had literally gone from living in a dorm room to having enough money for a nice condo on the Park on the Upper West Side. It was overwhelming.
When I kissed him, I felt like…maybe I didn’t want to be his big brother. Maybe I wanted a little more. A lot more. Wanting to kiss, to touch another guy wasn’t something I’d ever experienced before. It was like trying on a new pair of shoes.Did they fit? Did they squish my toes? Rub my heel wrong? Would I be able to walk a long distance in them?
From all of my Gaggle friends, I knew sexuality wasn’t fixed. It shouldn’t be, just like anything else. People grew and changed and trying to cling to the simple gay-bi-straight spectrum didn’t work. Not for anyone. People could develop a singular same sex or opposite sex attraction. Someone who was as straight as a fireplace poker could suddenly find the same sex attractive. People lose the feeling of being male or female, or fluctuate.
And none of that waswrong. Humans were changeable. So were our thought processes, and our sexuality.
So, what was going on with me? Was I slipping down the spectrum from straight to bi? Was this curiosity? Was it that I was kissing someone other than Essie for the first time in years?
Or was it just…him?
I closed my eye and let out a breath. Did I act on this? Would this endanger the band? God. There were so many things to consider. I didn’t want to screw everything up, even if I wanted to screw him.
Hell. I wanted him.
I did. I couldn’t deny that.
I wanted to kiss him again, more than anything.
Scrubbing my hands down my face, I let out a sigh.
“You’re thinking so hard over there, I’m shocked I can’t hear your thoughts.” Aaron turned away from the window.
“Lot to think about.” I brought my head forward from the headrest. The answer was cryptic, but the best I could do. So I thought.
He sighed this time and leaned against the wall. “You’re thinking about the kiss.”
Pursing my lips, I took a moment before I nodded.
“Doesn’t have to be anything you don’t want it to be, Doxx.” His voice was quiet and his gaze was fixed out the window.
I let the quiet linger a moment. “What do you want it to be?”
