Oh.
“Aaron…”
“It’s not…we don’t have to,” he said. “I just wanted to be safe, in case you do want to.”
“Do you?”
He groaned and closed his eyes, “Do I want you to fuck me? Yes. So damn much. Do I think you’re ready to go there? I have no idea.” He took a deep breath. “What we’ve done so far has been amazing. But all of it could be curiosity. This…” He pointed to the condom and lube “…is just more. You can’t write it off as a fluke or an experiment. It’s the real deal. It’s you saying you’re interested in sex with men—you’re gay, or bi, or some permutation of that.”
“Why does that scare you?” I asked.
“Doesn’t it scare you?” he volleyed back.
“No. Not really.” I was trying to be as honest as possible. “Aaron, I wouldn’t have let what we have here go on like this if I had a single doubt or problem in my head. You get that, right? I wouldn’t be here, getting really fucking hard, if I had a doubt in the world that sex between us would be anything but smoking hot.”
He looked a little lost, and I scooted over, lifting the covers to get us both in the bed. “Come on, lay down. Shouldn’t I be the one who’s nervous?”
He climbed in and wrapped himself around me like an octopus. “You should.” There was a touch of humor in his voice. His eyebrows popped for a second as he settled against me. “Wow. You really are hard.”
“You do that to me. Especially when you drop lube on the nightstand.” I grinned. “Also, seeing you playing armed and dangerous spy wasn’t so bad either.”
“Yeah, well.” He let out a breath. “Knowing you were strapped under that jacket did things to me too.” His hip pressed closer and I could feel his erection there.
I leaned in close to his ear. “I want to fuck you, Aaron. I do. And I want to feel what it’s like to be fucked by you some day. I’ll take this as slow as you like, but you need to know that.”
He was quiet, and I could almost hear him thinking. “I got screwed over hard once. My only real boyfriend, the first one I took a chance on, and the first one to screw me over so bad I only did hook ups. Until now.”
The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to break it with my questions. I let it sit between us, hoping he could really trust me with this story.
Aaron
Ihad to tell him. I knew I did. I was acting way out of character aboutsex, and I didn’t want to affect him. I was becoming more and more sure that he wasn’t just exploring, and I didn’t want to mess that up.
These were my own stupid hang ups, and Maddox needed to know what was brewing in my head. He deserved to hear what had brought me to this place and why I was still looking for a job in the chemistry field.
“Trust isn’t something I come into easily,” I mumbled. “I trust you, I trust the guys in the band. Now. I’m having trouble with Smoke but I’ll trust you about him.”
Taking a deep breath, I spoke into the warmth of the skin on his neck, “My father kicked me out of the house when I was thirteen. Actually, it may have been hours before I was thirteen. I was born at night and I was out by the time the sun went down. I came out to them on my birthday. Dad was…disgusted. Which was shocking because the moment I told him, he started screaming about me being a pervert and how I was going to Hell.
“I never thought he was a homophobe. I wouldn’t have said anything about it until I was older if I had known. I was straight passing at that point, but I had it bad for a guy in class who was out and proud, and I wanted to be out with him. I thought it wouldn’t go nearly as bad as it did.
“He gave me four hours to get my shit and get out. He made my mother give me all my important papers. And at exactly four hours, he held the front door open and demanded I leave.
“I’d stolen one of his guns, my saving grace for years. But I was thirteen and homeless and had no idea what to do. I went to the guy’s house and I was able to crash there overnight, but his mother was an abusive bitch and we both wound up running away.
“It took us about three weeks to get to New York. I thought that I could find a half-way house or get into the foster system there, or something. Anything. Wound up living in the tunnels.”
Maddox cocked his head. “Thetunnels. Like the New York underground?”
“Yes.” I smirked. “I know a lot of people down there. They have a nice life, actually, even if it is a bit dangerous. Tony and I fell in with them, and we lived decently. We even managed to get fake papers to get into high school for two years. When I was sixteen I wanted out of the underground. I finally found a half-way house that had room for me, and I went. Tony stayed.”
I hadn’t thought about Tony in a long time. It had been puppy love with us, but we’d been there for each other. We’d spoken a few times when I’d gone up, but after a while even that dropped off.
“You okay?” Maddox’s hand traced slowly up and down my side.
“I am.” I nodded. “So. I was in the half-way house and I did everything in my power to get the best grades and get out of high school and get a college degree. Turned out I was really smart and got a scholarship for chemistry and accepted to the music school. My freshman year, me thinking I was all grown and smart and worldly, I met a guy who just swept me off my feet. He was good looking, good to me, and good for me. I thought.
“It took me a while to realize our dates were always in, or were deep in the Village in trashy dark little dives. He didn’t introduce me to his friends, and didn’t want to meet mine.
