He stops and looks away like he’s thinking. When he finally speaks, his voice is low and quiet. “Really shitty. This isn’t the life I wanted, and I’ve had a helluva time coming to terms with that.”
“B, I’m so sorry.” His eyes find mine. “I know how hard you worked. You can’t play at all?”
“Not professionally.” He sighs. “I haven’t even been on the ice since I recovered.” His eyes glisten with emotion. “I always took my body for granted, you know? And now it just feels like a prison—it’s probably all in my head, but I feel like I can never get a proper breath, like I’m always drowning.” He sniffs and huffs a tearful laugh. “Your mom died, you broke up with your girlfriend, and you’re hiding out from your psycho-of-a-stepfather, and you’re still asking me howIam? You haven’t changed, Fi.”
“Don’t forget that you stomped on my heart three years ago.”
He grimaces. “Oof, yeah, that too.”
We start walking again. Soon, the trees thin and open up into a large clearing. The ground is coated in a thick layer of snow, unmarred except for the tracks B left last night. A rundown red barn sits to one side, the white trim chipped and faded.
“Let’s look inside,” Brantley says, pulling me toward theleaning structure. The boyish charm that I remember from college echoes in his voice as he approaches the rickety door. I pull on the handle, and it doesn’t budge.
B pouts with disappointment. “Maybe there’s another way in,” he muses, walking around the side of the structure. I study the weathered wood and frown when I notice the way the snow seems shallower near the door, as if it’s been opened somewhat recently.
“Ah-ha!” B exclaims and he comes running around the building holding an old brass key triumphantly.
“Where did you find that?”
He shrugs. “It was hanging on a rusty nail behind a horseshoe.” He sticks it in the lock and turns. Then B kicks some snow away and yanks open the door, grunting with the effort. The hinges creak loudly, and I squint into the dim interior.
Daylight filters through cracks in the barn’s planks, crisscrossing trails of dust motes throughout the space. There’s a ladder that leads up to a loft, stacks of hay bales line one wall, and a couple of empty animal stalls line the other. In the back corner is a large green and yellow John Deere utility tractor with a cab and a huge shovel mounted on the front.
Reaching for my hand, B leads me inside the barn. Protected from the elements, it’s slightly warmer inside.
“Did your dad have horses?” B asks as he walks over to the stall and peers over one of the chest-high doors.
“Not that I remember,” I murmur. “All the times I’ve come here in secret over the years, and I’ve never visited this part of the property.” I walk to the tractor and inspect it. It hasn’t been used in a long time from what I can tell. Like everything else, it’s covered in a layer of dust. “That’s weird.”
B joins me. “What’s weird?”
“Well, it looks like there’s a handprint on the door to the tractor cab.” I climb the steps and peer into the window. Theinside looks clean, and there’s a metal coffee cup in the cupholder.
“Maybe a neighbor?”
“Maybe, but it looks like it’s been sat in, not actually used.” I turn around, hop down to the ground, and nearly bump into B’s chest. I move back with a laugh, but he doesn’t move. He stares at me with something feral in his eyes, and it makes my whole body tingle.
B steps forward and guides me around the tractor until my back hits the wall, the splintered wood rough against my palms as I peer up at him. His lips hover over mine. My gaze scans his face, catching on the tiny scar that runs through his left eyebrow. I lift my hand hesitantly and graze it with my thumb.
“What’s going on with you and Bastian?” His voice is rough, and his eyes search mine.
“I don’t know.” It’s the truth. All I know is that I feel something so strong for both of them, and all my emotions are twisted up and tangled. “But does it matter? We’re all fucked up right now, and for once, I just want to feel good again.”
“You’re not alone, baby,” B whispers, and the nickname tickles my stomach.
Lust, sadness, and uncertainty mingle in my chest, making my heart hurt. “Tell me if I let something happen with you that it will be different.” I hate the way my voice trembles. “If you hurt me again, I won’t survive it.”
His eyes soften and he places a hand on the wall next to my head, leaning forward. “Even if we don’t end up together, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving how sorry I am. Losing you was the biggest mistake of my life, Fiona.”
I really want to believe him, but my head is still so crowded with doubts. Yet, right now, I just want comfort and touch, and I know B will give them to me.
I reach for him, and everything starts to blur. The smell of pine and snow mingles with leather as I unzip Brantley’s jacketand slip my hands inside, sliding it off his shoulders. It falls forgotten to the floor.
“This doesn’t mean anything, okay?” I tell him earnestly. “But I really need a good fuck.” My words echo his from college.
B raises his eyebrows, guilt flickering across his features. “Wow, you really went there.”
“I really did,” I say huskily, my tongue darting out to lick my lips.
