“Wait,” I say. “You’ve been having nightmaresthatlong? Weren’t you still in high school when that happened?”
He clears his throat. “The year after high school, actually.”
“Fuck,” I whisper.
He draws in a shaky breath. “Anyway, I was so shocked and betrayed the night I caught him. I was appalled that Matt had cheated on my stepsister by raping mystepmother. There was so much grossly wrong with the whole situation, and we got into a physical fight over it.” His voice falters, and he takes a deep breath. “I caught him off guard at first, so I had the upper hand, but Matt was a hockey player, and he was a lot bigger than me, even though he was younger. He…pinned me down and choked me. I was so weak when he finally let me breathe that I was disoriented.” Sebastian’s voice is thick like he’s holding back tears. “Then, he raped me.”
“What?!” B and I say together.
I sit taller, shock and disgust slithering through my body like ice water.
“It didn’t last that long, but it felt like forever,” Seb says around a sob, turning his body away from us. “He just forced it in and out a few times before I finally managed to push himaway. Then, he left.” His shoulders are shaking, and I climb off my side of the bed and walk around to crouch in front of him, cradling his cheek in my hand.
He looks at me with fearful, wet eyes. “Seb,” I whisper.
“I was so ashamed,” he continues, and my heart breaks with every word. “The dreams started after that, and they trigger these awful intrusive thoughts, but I feel like I can control them if I… touch myself afterwards. I don’t know why, but it keeps my mind from reliving what happened.” His voice cracks. “I read about people being hypersexual because of sexual trauma, and I think this is my version. Sex doesn’t interest me much, but I have no problems alleviating the memories myself…or apparently with Michaels’s help.”
“Do Charlie and Marcus know?” I ask.
Seb quickly shakes his head. “I’ve never told anyone. But it messed me up so bad. I haven’t been able to be properly intimate with anyone for so long. I’m broken. Add my demisexuality on top of that, and who would want me? It scares the shit out of me.”
Brantley pulls Seb against him. “You’re not broken, Bastian,” he says, his voice low and sure. “What he did to you was sick and so, so wrong, but you can’t let it define you. Maybe you haven’t found your person yet, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t deserving of love.”
Sebastian stiffens at B’s words, and his eyes flicker to me.
I smile sadly. “We’re all broken, baby.” I drop a chaste kiss on his lips. “But despite all our jagged edges, we’re better people because of our trauma. I know you believe that about me and Brantley, so believe it about yourself, too.” I place a hand on Seb’s arm. “You have so much to offer. Do you remember the first time we met, Seb?”
He nods in the darkness.
“Charlie and I came to see you after she and the boys had a fight,” I continue. “I was so embarrassed because I thought youwere the most beautiful man I’d ever seen, and here I was looking like a hot mess.” I take a breath. “I felt our connection that night. When Charlie bolted, you held my hand all the way back to your apartment. You didn’t even know me, but you knew what I needed. Because, fuck, I was scared for her.” I give him a squeeze. “I knew it then. We had something so powerful and instant. I was scared to really explore what it meant. But I’m ready now.”
“Being with you both…helps,” he says haltingly. “I can’t explain it really, but it feels different. Safe.” Seb rolls onto his back again and looks over at B. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“I know that I’m difficult sometimes. Trusting people is hard for me, let alone being intimate with them. Just…thank you for being patient.” He blows out a sigh. “Navigating my feelings with Fi is difficult, but adding you to the mix? Damn near impossible. But I want to. I’m trying.”
Butterflies twirl in my stomach at his words, and B grins widely. I know he adores Sebastian. I see the way B looks at him.
I shiver, and Seb gives me an uncharacteristically shy smile and tilts his head toward B. “Get back up here with us.”
I climb over Seb and B to the other side of the bed. “So what now?” I ask cautiously. “What are we?”
The guys glance at each other, and B shrugs. “We don’t have to give it a label, but whatever this is, I think we work. And I think we need each other.”
Seb nods absently, and I smile.
Soon, I hear the boys snoring. I think about Seb’s words:I’m broken. And I’m so scared no one will want me.
It takes me a lot longer to fall asleep.
Gray winter daylightflooding the loft wakes me, and I yawn and stretch my arms, one of which knocks into B’s shoulder. He mumbles something unintelligible but doesn’t wake up. I raise myself onto my elbows and look over at Seb and B.
I replay the events of last night as I stare at them, and my throat clogs with emotion. I didn’t think I’d be able to love again—not after what Brantley did. Not after Anna. Certainly not after I lost my mom. I thought I was done.
But watching them sleep, Sebastian’s tattooed arm draped across B’s chest, my heart aches in a way it never has. It aches for them and everything we could be. This wild place is ours—it’s changed us against our wills but for the better. I don’t want to leave, but I know we have to. I’m not ready. We won’t survive in the real world. I just know it. There’s no happy ending for me with these boys. It’s a cynical thought, but I’m a realist. Life doesn’t generally go my way.
Sebastian’s cell phone buzzes on the nightstand and I reach for it, looking at the number.
