‘Huh, what’re you on about?’
‘I’ve just bought a houseboat!’
‘A houseboat?’
‘Yup, like a barge.’
‘Really? Wow. Well, that’s just fabulous. I’ve always thought those boats going up and down the canal in Brecon looked gorgeous. What a great idea. Will you spend weekends on it? It’s not far for me to come up and visit. We could go to the pub up there that does those lovely Sunday lunches.’
‘Oh, it’s not a barge in Brecon that I’m buying.’
‘A barge. You’re going to buy a barge?’ interrupts Nigel.
‘Yeah, I’m so excited.’
‘Oh, I’d think twice if I were you. Is it too late to back out? I used to work with a guy who lived on a houseboat. He always smelt of damp.’
‘Don’t listen to him. You won’t smell of damp,’ says Debbie.
‘She might.’
‘Oh my gosh, I hope not.’
‘So, where’s the barge then? If it’s not Brecon it must be Monmouth way,’ says Debbie.
‘No, it’s actually on a canal in Amsterdam.’
‘Amsterdam? Isn’t that full of people on wacky baccy?’ says Nigel.
‘My goodness, Nigel! Can you be happy for Sandy, please? Oh, he’s a right miserable so-and-so.’
‘I’m just realistic.’
‘It’s okay. Amsterdam is amazing. Have you ever been there, Nigel?’ I ask.
‘No, I’ve been to Denmark, though. Danish, Dutch, it’s all the same, isn’t it? It’s the same language and everything.’
‘No, it’s not,’ says Debbie. She rolls her eyes at him in disgust. ‘Ignore him. He’s so ignorant. Honestly.’
I know Nigel isn’t the worldliest person on earth, so I am amazed he has even been to Denmark, although if I remember correctly that was for an organised football club event. If the rest of his club hadn’t gone then I’m sure he wouldn’t have bothered getting a passport.
‘Well, Nigel, I’ll have to show you around and you can find out for yourself how fabulous it is. You’ll both have to come and visit when I’m all sorted. There’s a lot of culture in Amsterdam and around the area, actually. Did you know there’s a fantastic Van Gogh museum? Then there’s the Rijksmuseum, which is full of masterpieces by Rembrandt, and…’
‘The only masterpiece I want to see are those roast dinners Debs makes me.’
‘I give up. How could I marry such an uncultured human being?’ says Debbie.
Nigel winks at Debbie and I can’t decide if he’s teasing her or being serious. But it does make me think how nice it is to be single and not have any man showing me up in front of my friends. Not that Paul ever did, to be fair, but I’ve noticed a lot of older men undermining their wives recently. Is it a midlife thing?
‘Anyway, the houseboat is going to be fabulous, I’m sure of it. Look, here’s a photo.’ I take out my phone, scrolling past the beautiful screensaver I have of Hannah on an Australian beach and showing them both a photo that I have already saved.
Nigel peers down at the photo.
‘I hope you didn’t pay too much for it. You do know what they say about boats of any kind, don’t you?’
‘Umm, no.’
‘Bring Out Another Thousand. B-O-A-T. Get it? They’re bloody expensive things. Never stop costing money.’
