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Lucian and Seraphina looked disgusted, but I was grinning.
I spent the next half hour giving them all a crash course on everything from the internet to texting.
Seraphina was typing something on hers with an intense look of concentration once I finished. A moment later, an excited voice started talking from a video she’d apparently pulled up. “So you want to see some virgins? Let’s bring ‘em out!”
Seraphina smiled to herself, then walked off to another room.
“Okay,” I said quietly. “I guess that shouldn’t shock me.”
Lucian frowned. “It’s shaking itself in my pocket.”
“Check it,” I said.
Alaric was at the other end of the room with a shit-eating smile on his face.
Lucian picked up the phone, then looked away, half-shielding his eyes. “God. What is that?”
“It’s my penis,” Alaric said, laughing.
I shook my head. What was it with men? Give three ancient immortal beings phones, and within an hour one of them literally discovers the art of the dick pic? I guessed there really was no hope.
“How do I get it off my electronic device?” Lucian said, holding the phone at arm’s length like it was poisoned.
“Press the home button,” I said. “And Alaric, you should not send people pictures of your penis. Also, you’ve been standing here this entire time. When did you even have time to—”
He looked smug. “I’m very fast.”
Doesn’t really answer the question, but okay. “Alaric. There are instructional videos on driving cars with no horses on the internet. If you’re not going to take the test, you should at least watch them.”
He gave me a suspicious look, then nodded to Lucian. “When did we start taking orders from a human, exactly?”
“The human has a good point. You’ve already ruined several vehicles. It’s only a matter of time before you destroy a human and bring the attention of the police on us.”
I stared at Lucian. “Really?”
“Tragically destroy a human?” he tried.
Vlad wandered into the room wearing what looked like a medieval king’s robe and only a pair of questionably yellow boxers beneath it. His hairy belly and chest were on full, horrifying display. It appeared he was growing out a pointy mustache on top of his five-o-clock shadow, too.
“Oh, quite nice,” he said. “A little tech demo?” he threw an arm around Alaric’s shoulder and spread his palm in the air in front of both of them, eyes going distant. “Sex, my friend. You must try it. That little thing in your hand can bring you all the sexual excitement you could ever wish for.”
Alaric looked at the phone in his hand, turning it over with pure concentration. “Vlad, I don’t know how small your dick is, but there’s no way mine is fitting in here.”
“Your tiny dick fit on my device,” Lucian said.
Vlad cackled with laughter, slapped Alaric on the back, and wandered out of the room.
Alaric lifted his phone toward me. “Do people really fuck these things?”
18
Cara
Of all the things I expected to be doing with my night, watching three vampires unpack a suitcase full of expensive looking pistols was not one of them.
We were out in the fields beyond the city by a line of trees. Lucian had driven me, and we’d met up with Alaric, who was carrying the case. It was my first time riding in a car with Lucian. He thankfully was a faster learner than Alaric and already seemed to be a completely competent driver, even if he had a little bit of a lead foot.
Alaric, on the other hand, had arrived in a dented, formerly nice-looking luxury car that was making a sad clunking noise and spewing smoke from beneath the hood. Alaric had sworn he hadn’t “tragically destroyed” any humans on the way, but I’d made sure there was no blood or hair on the car all the same.
“What’s this?” I asked, pointing to the growing arsenal of weapons in front of us.
“Guns,” Alaric said. “You point them in the direction of a thing you don’t like and pull the trigger.” He hefted one, then started clumsily handling it and pressing random buttons.
I flinched back. “Do you know how to use that?” I threw my hand over my face when he swung the pistol in my direction briefly as he turned it around and started banging it on a rock.
“Of course I do,” Alaric said.
Lucian pulled one out of the box and inspected it by looking straight down the barrel. I slapped it out of his hands and gave him a look of utter disbelief. “What the hell is wrong with you two? Those are guns. You aren’t supposed to point them at anything you don’t want to kill. Even if they aren’t loaded.”
Alaric’s rock banging technique managed to knock the clip free of his pistol. He pursed his lips, as if impressed with himself. Then he aimed it in Lucian’s direction, squinting one eye shut.
