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My stomach drops as I let out a soft gasp. “He’s-he’s paying for my rehab?” I stutter out, shock flying through me. I’m caught completely off guard by this. Why would he do that? Guilt? Was he paying because of guilt?
“Why would he pay, Harper? Is it because he feels guilty?” I search her face for the answers I’m scared to find.
“No. Trust me, I would never lie to you. I saw his face. I saw his eyes. He loves you. There was no lie.” Her voice fades into a hushed stillness. I can see unshed tears glistening in her eyes. “He loves you.”
“He loves me?” I ask softly, my voice rough with emotion.
“Yeah.” She nods while grabbing my hand and giving me a sad smile. “He does.”
“What do I do? Do I speak to him?” My eyes close, and after taking a deep breath, I reopen them and look into Harper’s eyes. Her gaze is soft and full of emotion.
“I think you need rest. To heal more. As much as I know you should talk to him, he’s not here right now. He left to take care of some things. Truth? I don’t think you are strong enough at the moment anyway. I think just before you’re discharged might be better, so I say you rest now. Clear your head a bit more, and then you can say goodbye.”
I can feel my heart break. It breaks into a million tiny pieces for everything I have done and for the pain I must have caused everyone. The familiar itch spreads through my limbs, and I realize Harper’s right. I’m not strong enough to see him today. I’m not sure when I will be. Right now, I need to take care of me. I need to heal. When I’m ready, he will be there.
“Okay. You’re right. I agree. When do I leave?”
“As soon as the doctors say you’re free to go. Everything’s already been taken care of.” She squeezes my hand in hers. “We’ll get through this. Okay? Together. No more secrets. I love you, and I’m here for you.”
I smile a tight smile back and then close my eyes. I can do this.
A knock on the door has my eyelids opening. My mother stands in the doorway, looking like hell.
“Hi, Mom,” I say weakly.
My mother rushes to the side of my bed, sobbing. Harper walks around, placing her arms over our mom’s shoulders in comfort. “I-I was so scared. Why? Why would you do this, Bailey?”
Alta Jameson is the coldest woman I know. Seeing her cry is breaking me even more. She’s never shown this much affection for me in all my years.
“I-I’ve struggled with pills before.” My words cause her to cry harder. “I don’t remember taking the drugs . . . It doesn’t matter because I did. And that fact alone means I need more help than NA can give me.”
That’s the truth. I might not remember taking the drugs, but regardless, I did. It has always been my crutch. When things got bad, I used. It seems all it took was a few shots, and I fell.
“I don’t understand. How could we not know? How?”
“It was hidden well. I moved away to hide all the trouble I was in. You were busy. You couldn’t have known.” I try to reassure her, but my words seem to only upset her more.
“It’s my fault. I didn’t spend enough time with you. I was always . . .” She stops herself as she sobs into my sister’s shoulder.
I study my mother’s face, the lines of aging evident and deep right now. The harsh lines of years of hard work have me feeling ashamed.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. She looks at me long and hard.
“I’m sorry I failed you. I should’ve known what was going on. You are our number one priority along with your sister, and I failed you.” Her eyes well up, and I can’t handle it.
I place my hand on her arm, squeezing lightly.
“Things were hard for all of us after Dad died. I don’t blame you, Mom. I just fell into the wrong crowd, and then I got into the accident . . .”
“But I should’ve noticed!” she bellows, causing my sister to lift her head and scowl at her.
“Shh, you’ll get us kicked out,” she scolds.
“We should’ve known,” she repeats.
“It’s over. I need you to be here for me and help me get better. That’s all I want.”
“We’ll be here. We aren’t leaving you,” she promises. I take in my mother and my sister. Even though we may be broken and battered, it feels like we could be a mighty force coming together to fight for one another.
47
Drew
I’m pacing yet again.
Time seems to be standing still as I wait for word on Bailey. I’m supposed to be working, but I can’t. She’s all I can think of. All I see when I close my eyes.
