“Must you make everything into a fight?”
“MustI—?” Sarah gasped and almost choked on her indignation. “It is notIwho started this, Your Grace!Youare at fault here. I will not be browbeaten by your arrogance!” She pulled her arm from his grip and stormed off, too furious with him to continue the conversation. Her heart was thudding and her eyes prickling with tears. His lack of trust and his readiness to jump to the worst possible construction of the circumstances broke her heart.Does he have so little faith in me?
*
Robert watched herwalk away in despair. He knew he was being unreasonable about Ashford, that there was nothing in it. He acquitted both of them of amorous intent, but the idea that Sarah might give Ashford comfort still provoked him. It seemed that instead of truly letting go of his feelings over Lannister, he had merely bottled them up and they had festered. It was an ugly side of himself he didn’t like, didn’t want. A sharp contrast, he realized, to both Sarah and Ashford’s kindness of spirit. Ashford was the kindest man he knew, and Sarah was quite naturally drawn to a kindness that was an echo of her own. They also shared that trait of generosity, which he seemed to lack. Something he loved them both for.
It was the same spirit that inspired Lannister’s admiration of her. The notion was bitter gall. It still rankled that Lannister understood his wife better than he did. Perhaps that was the true root of his insecurity.
Either way, it was really Lannister he wanted to hit on the eye. He could not rid his mind of the suspicion that she harbored feelings for him that she had not admitted to. Why else did she still have his card? He kept coming back to that, worrying at it like a dog with bone. They should have had a conversation about it after all.
His normal confidence was shattered by the thought of her returning Lannister’s esteem, even in the smallest degree. He couldn’t fathom it. The man was so unworthy of respect, let alone love—he was sure of it. If she harbored feelings for a man such as that, she couldn’t be the woman he thought her to be. Not the woman he loved. And that thought was truly why he had shied away from asking her about the card. It wasn’t some determination to be reasonable or to trust—no, he just couldn’t bear to discover any painful truth.
Wretched, he flung off to the stables to take out Firefly for a good gallop, as he had the other day, anything to run off his sick despair. He learned later that his sisters-in-law had left while he was out, and he felt a twinge of regret to have missed them, but in the current circumstances he felt it might be for the best.
The conclusion he had drawn on his ride was that the less he saw of Sarah for the moment the better. It was clear that he couldn’t deal with the thought of her possible feelings for Lannister or discuss it with her rationally in his current state, so until he could be civilized about it, he was best to avoid her and wait until he could. He had thought he had found a way to deal with this jealousy, but he was mistaken. All he’d done was bury it, and the mere sight of Ashford’s arms round her had set off every nerve of insecurity he had.
The rest of their guests, including Lady Holbrook, left in dribs and drabs throughout the day. Ravenshaw and Pendrell were among the last to leave and both attempted to speak to him about Ashford, but he had no desire to discuss what he knew was his own folly and rebuffed them, suggesting they apply to the viscount for the story.
That night it was Sarah who locked her door.
Robert spent the next two days mostly with his steward, following up on the work he had begun two days ago and setting in motion much needed repairs to the estate that were now possible with access to Sarah’s fortune. It gave him a good excuse to stay away from the house for the majority of the day and avoid any private speech with Sarah, not that she showed any inclination to talk to him. Which, perversely, just made him more upset.
After discovering her door locked against him, he was too hurt—or too stubborn—to try again, quite forgetting that he had locked his door to her the previous night. Thus, he spent another night alone, prey to fears that his behavior was destroying anyburgeoning feelings she might have for him and instead fanning any flame of affection she had for Lannister. And if that truly were the case, everything was at an end and their marriage was a hollow shell. Such gloomy thoughts were uncharacteristic, and he tried mightily to head them off, but they kept intruding, showing him the bent of his mind.
He had learned early that he needed to stay in control of his emotions and remain the cool head when others lost theirs. And he had lived much of his life in that artificial condition, not really feeling and believing that was self-control, even being proud of himself for that. What he hadn’t realized until now was that his control was a veneer. It merely masked much stronger emotions he had never known—or admitted—he had and when they exploded as they had the other night, he discovered he had no practice, no methods for preventing it.
And further, in the aftermath, he found himself mired in a mud of conflicting feelings, paralyzed by shame, hurt, and fear—emotions he was not accustomed to entertaining. He had made a wretched, self-serving attempt to apologize to Sarah, but when she pointed out that he had hurt Ashford, guilt had made him lash out at her! Which was unforgivable.
Every time he opened his mouth, he made things worse. He knew he was behaving like an arse and yet he couldn’t seem to do otherwise. So he took refuge in being the Duke of Troubridge and continued to behave like an arse.
*
Madeleine was informedby the duke’s servants that he wasn’t in residence at Berkeley Square—he was at his country seat. She decided to make the journey into Leicestershire. It was not her preferred option, but perhaps she could contrive to send word to him and seek an interview in private?
*
On the thirdday, Robert’s mother bailed him up and demanded that he repair the situation.
“I have received several letters from my acquaintance in town, asking if it is true that your new bride was caught in flagrante with Viscount Ashford! I cannot return to town with Ava until you fix this! You must do something, Robert. You know as well as I there was nothing in it, yet you are punishing Sarah unmercifully! What is the matter with you? I thought you loved her!” He had seldom seen his mother so furious.
He paced to the fireplace, his back to her. “I do!” he admitted wretchedly. “But she doesn’t love me!”
“Doesn’t she?”
“How could she, after the way I have behaved?” he turned back toward her, his eyes stinging. “I’ve made a mess of it, Mama. I don’t know what to do! She won’t speak to me! I pressed her to offer me an explanation, and she turned me off, said I should apply to Ashford for an explanation.” He couldn’t admit that the real problem was Lannister and his own behavior, that he had made only one meager attempt to speak to his wife about it before giving up. He had never loathed himself so much as he had in the last few days.
“Perhaps you should. The rumors are that Caroline has left him.”
“What?” He stared at her aghast.My God have I destroyed Emrys’s marriage with my intemperate behavior? Is there no end to the damage I have caused?“Then Caro must believe there is something in it! Why would she—?” He stopped, reflecting on the little that Emrys had let fall when they’d spoken in his study. Guilt sent a spike through him. Emrys was his friend, and he had done this to him! He chewed his lip. “You’re right. I do need to talk to Ashford.” He bent to kiss her cheek andstrode to the door, feeling a bit better now he had some sense of direction.
He turned back at the door. “Will you tell Sarah where I have gone and why?”
“You would be better to speak to her yourself,” Mama looked at him with a frown.
“I know, but—Mama, I fear she won’t talk to me, and I feel so horribly to blame for this. I feel I must set things to rights before I try to speak to her,” he confessed, feeling like he was five years old again.
His mother’s expression softened, and she rose from the couch and gave him a hug.
