They had spent the rest of August at The Castle and returned to Cavendish Square in London three days ago.The truth is I am struggling.
She rose and came toward the bed, shedding her robe. She climbed in beside him, and he pulled her close.
After a bit she said softly, “What’s wrong?”
He sighed and kissed her hair. “I’m sorry. This is the bed I used to share with Caro. I feel like she’s haunting me.”
He felt her stiffen slightly and cursed himself for being too blunt. She placed a hand on his bare chest and said calmly, “We can change rooms or change the bed. Would that help?”
“Perhaps.” He stroked her back. “Thank you.”
She nuzzled her head into his chest. “I thought you were restless.”
“Hm,” he grunted. “Thank you for being so understanding.”
“It’s only been five months, Emrys.” She spoke quietly.
“It feels like an eternity.”
“I’ll get us moved into a different room and have this bed replaced, shall I?”
He hesitated a moment and then nodded. “Yes, that would be best. I had all of her things removed, but...” He trailed off. “The place still feels like her. She chose all the colors and the furnishings. The whole damned house feels like her,” he admitted.
“Then perhaps I need to do some redecorating?” she said quietly.
He nodded.
“Are you sure?” she pressed, searching his face. “If I sweep everything away, will you resent it?”
He paused to consider this carefully.Will I?If Caro had just been killed without the drama and betrayal, it would all be different. He wouldn’t want his past eradicated. It was highly unlikely in that circumstance that he would have chosen to marry again at all. He would still be mourning her, still wallowing in sorrow...
But that wasn’t what had happened. He couldn’t recapture the fantasy he had been living with Caro, because it didn’t exist. It had all been an illusion, and he knew that now. He couldn’t put the genie back in the bottle. And the truth was he didn’t want to. He had Annis and the children and a new life. He didn’t want to cling to the old one.
“No,” he said slowly. “No, I want to start over, fresh. But you might check with the children. I don’t want them to feel they have lost touch with their mother. They still need to feel connected to her.”
She nodded. “Of course. I’ll be careful.”
His throat suddenly seized up, and he felt the prickle of tears under his lids. He closed his eyes and tried to swallow, but the lump was stuck and wouldn’t be pushed down. He had cried tears of rage and hurt in the immediate aftermath, but he hadn’t cried much since. He was surprised to find it happening now. But Annis’s sensitivity and understanding undid him.
He slid down the bed a bit and buried his face in her bosom and cried.
“Oh, Emrys,” she said softly. And she held him and stroked his hair and murmured things that made no sense but were comforting all the same.
When the storm passed, he sat up sniffing and wiped his tears on the sheets.
“Emrys, you’re such a grub!” she said affectionately and reached for a handkerchief from the bedside table and handed it to him. He blew his nose and noticed her wiping her own cheeks.
“I made you cry!” he said, conscience stricken.
“Sympathetic tears,” she said bracingly, sniffing. He handed her the handkerchief, and she found a dry bit to use.
“Do you feel better?” she asked, putting the handkerchief aside.
“Yes, I do.” He kissed her hand. “You’re a treasure, and I don’t deserve you.”
“Nonsense!” She shook her head, flushing faintly. “You have done so much for me—”
He cupped her face and kissed her. “We have already had this conversation. I consider the ledger well and truly balanced.” He pulled her against his chest and heard his stomach rumble. “I think it is time we got up. What do you have planned for the day?”
