Janet Adelaide Redmayne
Annis was sobbing by the end of the letter and Emrys took it gently from her and wrapped her in his arms. Kissing her hair and stroking her back. Her tears slowed and she sniffed. She reached for a handkerchief and blew her nose, wiping her eyes.
“Well, now we know the truth,” he said. “Quite romantic, really.”
“She must have loved him very much, I think,” she said softly.
“Hm. Not as much as I love you,” he said, his arms tightening round her.
Annis heart jerked and beat a rapid tattoo in her chest. “What did you say?”
He pulled back enough so he could see her face and said soberly, “I love you, Annis, so much it damned well hurts! The notion of anyone trying to do you harm tears me apart. I think I fell in love with you when I saw you sitting on your luggage in therain by the side of the road, although I was more than halfway there before that. It’s just taken me a while to sort out all my feelings. Can you forgive me for not knowing it sooner, love?”
She stared at him, blinking back tears, and then hugged him tight. “Oh, Emrys, I adore you! You’re the perfect husband and father. I thought you were still in love with Caroline, and it was breaking my heart.”
“I thought I was, too,” he admitted. “I’ve suspected for a while that you cared for me, and I was worried I didn’t deserve it, that I couldn’t give you everything you deserve, that Caroline had wrecked me for anyone else.” He traced her cheek with a finger.
“I thought I was happy with Caroline, you see,” he continued. “But I wasn’t. Though I didn’t realize that until you showed me the difference. Caro and I were so young when we got married, and I have only recently come to understand that I never really knew her. She kept parts of herself hidden from me and I never suspected. I dare say I kept parts of myself from her, as well, without intending to. I hurt her in lots of little ways that I never appreciated until much later. When she left me, I was heartbroken and angry. Then she died, and I was sad and angry and confused.” He sighed out a deep breath. “And then there was you.” He smiled. “Beautiful, loving, adorable, practical you.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t keep my hands off you, and at the same time I was scared as hell I’d hurt you and lose you like I did Caroline. I wanted to be absolutely sure I knew what I was doing before I declared how I felt, because I couldn’t bear to hurt you, love.”
“Emrys!” She hugged him again. “How could I not love you when you’re so wonderful? So kind and affectionate, playful and considerate, so downright adorable.”
“I’m not handsome,” he objected.
“You are to me.”
He sighed contentedly, snuggling down the bed a bit. “I need you, you know. That was why I was so high-handed in convincing you to marry me. It wasn’t because I couldn’t keep my hands off you—or not only because of that. In truth, you fill up this hungry space inside me that I never knew I had. And I felt it instinctively even then.” He stroked her back. “When we were in Bath and I took you so roughly, that was the neediness taking over. I couldn’t get close enough to you. I wanted to curl up in your arms and shut out the world. Like a child,” he admitted, looking shamefaced and embarrassed.
“Emrys, that is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever said to me,” she whispered softly. Pulling his head down onto her bosom she cradled him. “I’ll be your shield, as you are mine, my love,” she murmured.
He lifted his head. “Ah Annis, you are priceless. Is there anything you don’t understand?” He kissed her pressing her back into the pillows.
“Plenty of things, I’m sure, but we will figure them out together.”
“Yes, love, we will.” He kissed her again, and there was no more talk for a while.
Postscript
“Emrys?”
“Yes, love?” He looked up from the newspaper he was reading at the breakfast table. Annis sat across from him with a pile of letters at her elbow, as she had been working her way through their mail. But now she was holding a small book with a red cloth cover in her hands with an odd expression on her face.
“What is it?” he asked, dropping the newspaper and leaning forward, concern making his heart flip.
“Lawrence sent me this.” She showed him the book. “It’s Papa’s diary. He said since most of what was in it concerned me, I should have it.”
Emrys raised his eyebrows and came round the table to her side. “Are you going to open it?”
She bit her lip. “This is worse than Mama’s letter. What if Mama was wrong and he didn’t love us after all?”
Emrys crouched down by her chair and put an arm round her shoulders. “Do you want the truth or a fantasy?”
Annis swallowed visibly, and then nodded. “The truth.”
“Well, then.” He nodded at the book.
She pushed her plate aside and set the book down on the tablecloth and opened the first page. Emrys read over her shoulder.
14th May 1790
